interesting day... I realized last night that me and Jesus hadn't had a date for a while. so we set one for today, at this old abandoned barn that I discovered a few years back. I have to take a trail (that's pretty abandoned also) behind my house for about 15 minutes and then you come to another wider bike trail and then the barn/shed is off in the bush a bit. It's soooo quiet and sooo beautiful and peaceful and perfect there. so needless to say I was eager, not only to spend time with God, but also to return to our secret place which I haven't been to since the fall. So you can imagine my horror, surprise, disappointment, bitterness, frustration, shock ... [add any other expressive adjectives here] when I get up to the bike trail and it's nearly completely demolished and uneven because of large machinery tracks! Not only that but there were huge huge huge piles of dirt and filler where a line of trees used to stand. and the worst part? the path to my barn was now blocked by two big red boxes that read "DANGER: Explosives" and signs that said "NO TRESPASSING. $500 fine."

what the bloomin' bloomers.

arg! guys, this was one of my favorite places in the whole world! Me and my dog (and sometimes Kjer and other friends) would come up here and pray and laugh and take pictures and just enjoy the beauty. Me and Jesus would talk and cry and His presence was always so vivid there. i cried. i honestly did. and there was GARBAGE, like McDonald's crap all over too. who does that? and also, bear poo. it seems so lost, so forsaken (ok, it's a pile of crap, but still, it shows that bears still live there! and I bet they're more confused and hurt than I.) so i left. I took 232nd home instead of the trails because they were a little treacherous coming up (especially after that "tornado" yesterday! bloomin' blazes!) I went and sat in our boat in our tree shack instead and read and prayed. my friends... wow. Praise the Lord. in everything, all the time, for whatever reason! He's so worthy! I recounted my dreams to Jesus today. There's so much that is on my heart that I wanna do, but at this point in my life I don't know how to get out and actually live out those dreams. So I asked God why I had these dreams and what He'd do with them if i surrendered them to Him in faith. and it was so cool! He was like "I'll take them and multiply them and take you to the ends of the earth to fulfill them!"

there was so much more... like I was reading the Psalms and singing them and it was so cool. But then I started feeling like such a failure. And just how I've been such a moron to Kjerstin recently... for no real (or at least legit) reason! But gosh, it was just like pools of grace. and tears. and more grace... so much grace. And Jesus told me how He wants me to be real. no pretending. i need to be in full realization of my failures and my shortcomings and then REST IN HIS MERCIES. it's bloody OK to be a screw-up. because we all are. and the reason why so many of Jesus' followers were public outcasts is because they recognized their sin and let Him nail it on the cross. who knows, maybe that religious Saduccee struggled with lust or evil thoughts, but had been told that as a leader he must appear completely spotless. His desire to seem perfectly pious led to so many lies and cover-ups and he became fake. ugh. i hate the idea that i could be fake. sure, ok, i shouldn't go overboard and write "Following ALL of Janelle's actions, thoughts, words and motives in the past 18 1/2 years" and hand it out where ever I go (sounds a little insane, but i am one of extremes... :) ). but at the same time I want to be real with everyone. especially Jesus. and it's humbling... and hard... and I'm not there yet. but wow, He's so good, hey? Man, here's Psalm 113. It moved me so much today. Rest in His grace, my friends.

Praise the Lord.
Praise, O servants of the Lord,
praise the name of the Lord.
Let the name of the Lord be praised,
both now and forevermore.
From the rising of the sun to the
place where it sets,
the name of the Lord is to be
praised.
The Lord is exalted over all the
nations,
his glory above the heavens.
Who is like the Lord our God,
the One who sits enthroned on
high,
who stoops down to look
on the heavens and the earth?
He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from teh ash
heap;
he seats them with princes,
with the princes of their people.
He settles the barren woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
PRAISE THE LORD! (Ps. 113)

From Leslie Ludy's "Authentic Beauty":
"Just as there is a marked distinction between memorizing the definition of a rose and actually holding one in your hand, there is a huge difference between saying you know Jesus Christ and truly experiencing Him as your true Prince, your Hero, and the One you give up everything just to be with..."
Let us be a generation that pushes through the mediocre lifestyle of hypocrisy! I want to truly experience this world and this relationship with my Lord. I long for God to take me deeper with Him than He's ever taken anyone! And not because I'm more important, more worthy, or more in tune with Christ, because I would be the least worthy of that sort of intimacy. But because it is possible, I want to run for it. Because He gave it all to be with me, I want to really know what it's like to suffer for Jesus, to walk daily in His presence and to really really really let Him set me free. There's so much about surrendering that I need to learn to do...
In the past couple days I've really been hit hard with the importance of relationships. And I know i've talked about this many times before, but I know it's something that my Master wants to secure in me. I want to be a listener and an encourager and someone who, despite outside circumstances, or even though I'm late for class or have something "really important" to do that I would drop everything in a second to sit down and be Jesus to someone, anyone! Like, when it's crunch crew time, what remains? Not grades, not scholarships, not money, not any of my matieral goods... just people. Man, there's another quote that totally describes our society and even the selfishness of my soul:
"They said that they had noticed among us some gorged to the full with things of every sort while their other halves were beggars at their doors, emaciated with hunger and poverty. They found it strange that these poverty-stricken halves should suffer such injustice and that they did not take the others by the throat or set fire to their houses."
Justice... again and again that phrase has entered my mind.
"He has shown you, oh man, what is good and what the Lord requires of you: to do justice and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." (Micah 6:8)
Gosh... I want to be an advocate for those who cannot speak for themselves... for those who have no say... for those who are guilty, but still need to know His love, just as I need to know it. Jesus, send me to the nations as an ambassador for You! Let me lose myself in others! Strip me completely of all my selfish ambitions and desires and set in me a heart of compassion and a spirit of service. Let me KNOW You! Captivate my restless soul once again.