Happy summer days, guys! It's been so gorgeous and I've loved it! When was the last time I posted? hmm... not sure, so I just might recount past events you already know about. Please bear with me :)
Ok, so after exams I worked at the Craigs' (Jason, Jordan, Josh, etc, not Halael's family) with Laura and Christa doing some weeding. And then I went to Timberline. I was expecting a good week but NOTHING compared to how awesome it really ended up being! Seriously, it was so good. I was a wrangler (and I'm going back on Sunday to do 2 more weeks of wranglin'. yehaw!) and so I worked with the horses and with the kids riding horses all day long. Our day started at 5:45 am some morns and 6:45 others (depending if I was on morn feedings or not).  And then we ended at about 5:30-6pm every night. Then we'd have dinner and if there was a game in the evenings we helped being the bad guys or the hidden agents (lol, or whatever we were supposed to be). And usually there'd be some sort of wrangler or staff devo later on. and then there was campfire (which is oh so much fun! for seriously, i had a blast :)). and then lights out are at 11:00.  So right away I'm all like "poo, how am I supposed to find time for me and God?" so I started praying about it. and man, in all honesty I didn't spend that much time just one-on-one with Jesus that week, but He taught me SO much in all that went on. Like, all the morning staff devos and the evening wrangler devos and the late-night devos... EVERYTHING that was talked about in those times was EXACTLY what i needed to hear! I think Jesus was just telling me to soak everything up. and boy did I ever! gosh, it was like every word was directed RIGHT at me. I left so many of those community times either on the verge of tears, or already with them pouring down my cheeks. so good... so beautiful. And yah, not that I should ever replaced my quiet time with the Lord with other stuff, but I've been desperate for community for so long and beans, I think we get a taste of Heaven when we share ourselves with other believers. And i saw how close Jesus is when it's a group of broken believers. Man, brokenness is such a place where I'm at. Broken, yet stubborn. I was listening to Dido in the car on the way back from Vernon on Monday and there's this one song... here, I'll write it out. It's called "This Land Is Mine."
 
from behind these walls I hear  your song, oh sweet words
the music that you play lights up my world
the sweetest that I've heard
could it be that I'v ebeen touched and turned, oh Lord please
finally, finally things are changing
 
this land is mine but I'll let you rule
I'll let you navigate and demand
just as long as you know, this land is mine
so find your home and settle in
oh I'm ready to let you in
just as long as we know, this land is mine
 
after all the battles and wars, the scars and loss
I am still the queen of my domain
and feeling stronger now
the walls are down a little more each day, since you came
finally, finally times are changing
 
this land is mine but I'll let you rule
I'll let you navigate and demand
just as long as you know, this land is mine
so find your home and settle in
oh I'm ready to let you in
just as long as we know, this land is mine 
 
for all the days I've travelled alone
in this cold and colourless place till now
it's what I had to pay
 
this land is mine but I'll let you rule
I'll let you navigate and demand
just as long as you know, this land is mine
so find your home and settle in
oh I'm ready to let you in
just as long as we know, this land is mine 

I don't really know how to add to this. sometimes I hate taking a song and potentially twisting the author's original meaning to fit where I'm at. but seriously, she sounds like me. like, I'm at the place where I'm telling God that He's the one who's brought me this far, He can rule, and that He can make His home in me. Check yourself, Janelle... with those words of "surrender", I'm still saying, "But it's my life. I'm still queen. Don't forget that." I long to enter into His presence and truly completely surrender. to the point even maybe where things have to spin insanely out of control just so i am aware that I can't crown Him King but refuse to get off my throne. Praise Him for His patience with me, amen?
 
 
 

Hey guys... this is the order in which i wrote these songs. After looking at both of them I realize that it would "make more sense" to write them with "On His Hand" after "Scattered Pieces", but that's not how it played out in real life. so here goes :)

"On His Hand"
A mighty river flows
Washing away filthy remains
A beaming sun does rise
Flooding the fields with light

Do you not see
The mysteries around you?
Can you not feel
His presence in the win?

Like the stars
Winking in the skies
Like the waves
Beating on the sand
Your very name
Is written on His hand

He loves you so
More than you could ever know
He holds you dear
And whispers softly in your ear
Come to Me, My darling
Come to Me
Come to Me, My darling
Come to Me
Come
I'll set you free

"Scattered Pieces"
I never wanted to be like me
What went wrong along the way?
My spirit groans in misery
Will I one day be okay?

Every piece has been scattered
With a wretched, lonely prayer
I beg You, help me to discover
Why the depth of this dispair?

Set me free from who I am
So I can be released in Thee
Set me free from what I do
So I can do Your will for me
Let me flee from my disgrace
So in Your grace I find myself
Broken at Your feet

How could You take me back again?
See I'm just a shameful whore
Yet I find myself once more
Uncovered, shaking at Your door

Set me free from who I am
So I can be released in Thee
Set me free from what I do
So I can do Your will for me
Let me flee from my disgrace
So in Your grace I find myself
Broken at Your feet


I was with a friend last night and we were floating down the river, totally in awe at how pretty BC is, when we started talking about our futures and anticipations and fears. It dawned on me that I'm afraid of many things.

I'm afraid of rejection. Afraid of being real, and afraid that I'm fake. Afraid of searching too hard for the truth in case my realities have always been lies. Afraid of remaining who I've become and not being able to change. But afraid of change. I fear my fear... I fear that it will hold on to me and I'll never move beyond myself. I fear that I'm so inward-focused that I'll never be able to truly love others. I fear that my dreams, the ones that captivate and draw me, are mockers.

Discipline... i've been thinking alot about the training i am to receive from God in certain areas of my life to discipline me so that I can stand strong during these fears and struggles. And He has been training me and it's cool! but sometimes it hurts... and I just got this picture of me being the clay in the Lord's hands and I'm begging Him to shape me and mold me into His child and so He starts pressing and kneading me (the clay) and really mashing me up. and I'm all like "hey, wha? beans, what the heck are you doing? stop! this hurts!" and God says, "You want to be shaped by me, so you've gotta be softened up a little first. Trust Me."
i guess i just gotta learn sometimes :) love you all