I write.

I write before I realize there is a pen in my hand. Before I yank up the blinds or eat my breakfast, I write. As the clock's hands change from seven to eight to nine--oh gosh, I'm late!--I write.

Because he strolled so deliberately across the road with shadows in his eyes, I write. For who would tell his story? Surely not I, for we have never met. But he screams to be known! And so I write.

Beacuse the plump finch springs lightly on the lawn, I write, for she cannot.

Because there are pages and pages to fill and thoughts and words and laughter and emotion and expression and frustration and ugliness and humanity. Because we are, I write. Because there is and there was and there will be, I write.

And so I write. And so I always will, as long as there is time, I will write. As long as there are seasons and naked trees and clothed trees and the smells of the damp earth and the noises of the rivers... I will write. And even when these fade I will write, of what they were and how they change and what now I will write of instead. For as long as there is life there is inspiration and as long as there is inspiration will be canvases to fill and pages to flood and song to compose.

So may you take your inspiration and do what you do. Dance. Paint. Play. Create. Explore. Today is alive--that is all we can know. Tomorrow may slink up as darkness, so find in your imagination and reality the ideals and impossibilities of your dreams and let them meander out of your soul and watch them explode into sprints. And then do the same thing tomorrow. And then again. And over and over until you realize that you can never return to any sort of mediocrity. Allow yourself to become pregnant with uncontainable possibility and, for the love of it all, spill over.

I feel like I have no words to express what my heart is bursting with right now... but I'll try.

I have never in my life faced such a long time of question and confusion, where I resented all that I said I believed and fell into a place of wanting to be free from this Christ. I wanted out. I felt lied to and deceived by the thing I had clung to the most in my life. I was so hurt and frightened. And was clearly being sucked in by lies and facing Satan's oppression.

I can't say that I've achieved enlightenment now (or whatever it may be), but I have been chased and caught, and it feels so great! Guilt is EVIL. Shame is NOT from God! It never will be! We are so afraid of turning back to Him because the devil has whispered to us that the Lord is angry, or worse, disappointed in us. That He is pulling the plug on our blessings because we failed. That He is revoking the gifts He gave us. That He will punish us. Or that He will remove His presence from us. NO NO NO, this is WRONG! HE ADORES YOU! and ME! He looks at us in our most F-ed up situations and picks us up oh so gently in those moments. He. wants. to. free. us. Satan wants to destroy us! If we opened our tear-swollen eyes and looked up we would see that God is standing over us, fighting for us, breaking the arrows of the enemy in mid-flight. He. is. fighting. for. us. period.

Go. Go to Him and worship, no matter what state you are in. Proclaim His goodness. No "buts!" Stand up and tear off the layers of guilt, shame, lies, deceit, fear, anxiety... tear them off like clothes. Stand naked before Jesus and watch as He walks to you with a gorgeous purple robe to re-dress you in. Stand and be healed, for He already looks at you as clean and pure. Accept it! Why would you want to continue to stand in the hopelessness of life? Please, go and be free. Go and be healed and know that you are so dearly dearly loved.

Early this morning--like early early... maybe 2:30 or so--I was just settling in to bed after a rowdy night of fun new year's action. As I turned over to grab my bible, I remember thinking about some of the past conversations that I have had with friends, just sorting through my heart and all the questions that I have come upon. I have been reading in John, but last night I wanting something a bit different. Here's how the conversation went (one that, I'll admit, seems like I had with myself, but it could definitely have been God... I really never can recognize His voice because it sounds a lot like, well, mine.)

Janelle: Hmm, where should I read? I want some good ol' truth.
God(?) : Does it matter? Isn't the entire Bible truth?
Janelle: Uhh... yes.
God: Do you trust me?
Janelle: Uhh... yes.
God: Read Chronicles. 16. 2nd Chronicles 16.
Janelle: Uhh... ok.

So I read it. And FRICK it was just what I needed. JUST what I needed. The thing that struck me the most was verse 9: "For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him."

I long to be found as one who is fully committed to the Lord. Despite my doubts, and lack of faith and insecurities in Christ, I want to be found undivided in my committment to Him. The eyes of the Lord wander to and fro, looking for the faithful. And when they are found He gives them strength. I think I need to toss aside my intellect and spend a season chasing Jesus in blind faith. That has a negative connotation to it, but... where is my child-like devotion? My unhindered faith. I have let the reason, intellect, and critical thought of this world--all aspects which have their time and place, even in the faith--crush the simplicity of belief. May it never be so again.