I desire mercy, not sacrifice...
I know not what this means. Or I guess I do, but I don't know how it looks. How to live it. There is so much I do not know. So much has happened in my life recently, but I think I've left God out of most of it. I don't want this to be a complaining blog however. But I'll just spew. Here goes.

Crap, how do I LIVE Christ? Like, life can go on for me and I can get up early and earnestly seek the Lord and talk to Him throughout the day, fellowship with other believers, worship Him, and even pour myself out before Him in tears and... nothing. Then I can have a day where I don't get up early, I really don't talk to Him that much, I don't spend any time talking about Him with friends or praying and... nothing. Seriously, I find it hard to discipline myself to get to know Him when it honestly doesn't seem to make any difference at all. Sure, there are TONS of things in my life that I need to give up and let Him destroy. And I offer them to Him. and I offer them to Him. and I surrender. and I surrender. and nothing changes. So I guess now i'm in a place of rebellion. It's easier for me to to hold on to my "golden calf." It's too emotionally and mentally and spiritually destructive otherwise. NOTHING BLOODY CHANGES. I feel like I'm fooling myself when I tell people (or myself) that my God is a healing God. I can't explain why He doesn't always heal or why some people don't experience Him or feel Him. But something in me explodes with passion to know Him and to have others know Him too. Every night I pray that I would see the Lord in dreams. EVERY NIGHT. Every morning I ask to see Him during that day, or to have divine appointments with people, or to walk in the Spirit constantly. EVERY MORNING. and every day I beg to be free, I place all my worries and fears on Him, and offer myself up as a living sacrifice to be used as His ambassador. EVERY DAY. and nothing changes. nothing. bloody. changes. So for the past... mmm... maybe 5 days I haven't. I haven't sought Him wholeheartedly, surrendered all of me, or worshipped Him lovingly. And wanna know what really gets me? Nothing changed. I mean, I've asked so many times that I would have a relationship with Jesus where I NOTICE when I haven't read my Bible or talked to Him because my day sucks, my attitude sucks, or I just feel off. It's heartwrenching when nothing changes either way. When I don't notice it. I feel like I've given and poured so much of me into knowing Christ and ... nothing. Crap, I hate saying that. Because I KNOW it's not true. But i refuse to live a partial life with the Lord! It's gotta be ALL or nothing. and more than anything i long for it to be completely consuming and fulfilling, but again, to be honest, other things are fulfilling me in life. I need to be brought to a place where I HAVE to rely on Him, I guess. oh, i don't know what I need. There's this verse that says "Seek the Lord while He may be found" and so often I wonder if He isn't to be found by me. Like, He's there, but ... nothing. I don't know how to live.
And all these different theologies... don't even get me started :)
"If you follow my teachings, then you are truly my disciples. Then you will know the TRUTH and the TRUTH will set you free." (mark 8:34)
thanks guys for listening :)

-exerpt from mine and Jesus' morning convo-

God: "I tell you, NOW is the time of God's favour, NOW is the day of salvation!" (2 Corinthians 6:2)

Me: Yes Lord! Man, my spirit groans within me... I present myself as a living sacrifice, but for some reason I keep crawling off the altar! I long for 100% total devotion, but my interests are so divided... my focus is blurred and I've become so worldly.

God: "No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs--she wants to please her commanding officer" (2 Tim. 2:4) And also, "What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For you are the temple of the living God!" (2 Cor. 2:16)

Me: Man, I'm the temple of THE LIVING GOD, yet I stumble in following Him because I'm disctracted by my armful of idols. Father, bring me to that place of undivided focus! I miss You... the REAL You. I want to experience ALL of You! The sufferings and trials, the intercession, the miracles, the worship, the glory, the fellowship and community, the power, and the righteousness!

God: "Rather, as a servant of God, you commend yourself in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weaposn ofrighteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonour, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, yet possessing everything. (2 Cor. 6:4-10)

Me: I want to be a freedom fighter and advance on the gates of hell, retrieving the lost and bringing them into the Kingdom! Set the captives free ... yes, Lord. I want to proclaim the Good News to all the nations.

God: "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news..." (Romans 10:15)

Me: I want to be able to give all that I have and am to the poor, the widows, the broken, the orphans, the outcasts.

God: "The Spirit of the Lord is on you, because He has anointed you to preach good news to the poor. He has sent you to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favour." (Luke 4:18-19)...

Let It Be.

"As God has said, 'I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be My people." (2 Cor. 6:17)