Who am I? Who is she?
What's behind Is she more than the
my eyes? Shame in her eyes?
I painted The fear that
A self-portrait Keeps her hiding.
See, it's hanging The rotting stench
in my room In her soul
A secret room. A life of lies
I've pulled it down And mishapened truths
(Did I let it be ripped down?) Have distorted her view
Here it lays, shattered Cross-eyed
Pieces. Pieces. Pieces... With selective hearing
Not of me! But of a She sews her broken pieces
Beautiful brokenness Together with empty words
Who shall reconstruct And pointing fingers
The contours of my soul When will she remove
And patterns of my identity The No Tresspassing Sign
In my heart? From her heart?
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
I feel a frozen waterfall
At least it still hurts
'Cuz the damage of standing in front
Of a mirror
Seeing the gaping, bleeding hole
In my Chest
Yet feeling no pain
Scars more than the
Soul-wrenching
Agony of distress
You said I showed
Frozen emotion
Like a winter waterfall
You wanted to
Increase the volume
Of my muted screams
To thaw this passive numbness
Pathetically apathetic...
Don't say you didn't know him
I recognize in those eyes
Destroyed from the inside
At least it still hurts
'Cuz the damage of standing in front
Of a mirror
Seeing the gaping, bleeding hole
In my Chest
Yet feeling no pain
Scars more than the
Soul-wrenching
Agony of distress
You said I showed
Frozen emotion
Like a winter waterfall
You wanted to
Increase the volume
Of my muted screams
To thaw this passive numbness
Pathetically apathetic...
Don't say you didn't know him
I recognize in those eyes
Destroyed from the inside
Thursday, October 13, 2005
My future...
Seriously, I have such a love-hate relationship with that concept. Part of my is like, "wohoo, my future! I am going to travel and see things and have random adventures and get married and have more adventures!" The other part of me goes, "Dang. I am so not going anywhere in life right now."So you can understand my obvious dilemma.
Right now, Trinity is awesome. I really am feeling connected, and I love learning and hanging out with friends, so this environment is perfect. All aspects of my life--emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally--are definitely enjoying the journey. Yet I am really uncertain about what comes next. I got a four-year academic scholarship, but I was almost reluctant to take it because I felt like I was signing away the next four years of my life. After thinking and discussing it with my dad (he's my hero) I realized that there is no pressure to do all my studies at Trinity, and that if I feel like I would want a year or semester off, that is not really an issue either.
Then I had an epiphany. I do not think it is so much that I am not wanting to start and finish my university major in four consecutive years, but that I have a blatant fear of committment.
Yep, I'm freaked. I love having countless options before me to toss around. The problem comes when I have to make a (potentially life-changing) decision after reviewing all my choices. I think I am afraid that if i choose wrong, then that's it, I've blown it. I also don't know what I am actually good at, and that thing being something that I also really enjoy doing. So in that sense, I fear that if I choose something and commit to it then I have limited myself and closed doors. But I think the deepest issue here is that I'm afraid that, say I choose something and put my whole heart into it, what happens if I fail? What happens if the thing that I want to do more than anything else in the world is my downfall? I guess that is why, for me, it seems so much easier to have a slew of options and to do a plethora of things mediocre. That way, if I do not succeed at one of those things, I can shrug it off easier and know that it's okay because I didn't try my very hardest.
It seems like a truly sad concept to me.
So, okay, now I've recognized my fears, but the realization has not pushed me any closer to discovering what I want to do with my life or who I want to be. Maybe I'll just do one semester at TWU and then travel or work. Or maybe I'll take a year off in between years. Or maybe I'll transfer to a community college or an international school. The maybe's aren't very reassuring.
I think perhaps what I really want is for someone to sit me down and say, "Look, Janelle: here are your talents. Here are your weaknesses. I think you would love to do ______." But, I really don't want someone else telling me what I should do with my life. Maybe just a little push in the right direction would do it...
Little help?
Seriously, I have such a love-hate relationship with that concept. Part of my is like, "wohoo, my future! I am going to travel and see things and have random adventures and get married and have more adventures!" The other part of me goes, "Dang. I am so not going anywhere in life right now."So you can understand my obvious dilemma.
Right now, Trinity is awesome. I really am feeling connected, and I love learning and hanging out with friends, so this environment is perfect. All aspects of my life--emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally--are definitely enjoying the journey. Yet I am really uncertain about what comes next. I got a four-year academic scholarship, but I was almost reluctant to take it because I felt like I was signing away the next four years of my life. After thinking and discussing it with my dad (he's my hero) I realized that there is no pressure to do all my studies at Trinity, and that if I feel like I would want a year or semester off, that is not really an issue either.
Then I had an epiphany. I do not think it is so much that I am not wanting to start and finish my university major in four consecutive years, but that I have a blatant fear of committment.
Yep, I'm freaked. I love having countless options before me to toss around. The problem comes when I have to make a (potentially life-changing) decision after reviewing all my choices. I think I am afraid that if i choose wrong, then that's it, I've blown it. I also don't know what I am actually good at, and that thing being something that I also really enjoy doing. So in that sense, I fear that if I choose something and commit to it then I have limited myself and closed doors. But I think the deepest issue here is that I'm afraid that, say I choose something and put my whole heart into it, what happens if I fail? What happens if the thing that I want to do more than anything else in the world is my downfall? I guess that is why, for me, it seems so much easier to have a slew of options and to do a plethora of things mediocre. That way, if I do not succeed at one of those things, I can shrug it off easier and know that it's okay because I didn't try my very hardest.
It seems like a truly sad concept to me.
So, okay, now I've recognized my fears, but the realization has not pushed me any closer to discovering what I want to do with my life or who I want to be. Maybe I'll just do one semester at TWU and then travel or work. Or maybe I'll take a year off in between years. Or maybe I'll transfer to a community college or an international school. The maybe's aren't very reassuring.
I think perhaps what I really want is for someone to sit me down and say, "Look, Janelle: here are your talents. Here are your weaknesses. I think you would love to do ______." But, I really don't want someone else telling me what I should do with my life. Maybe just a little push in the right direction would do it...
Little help?
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