My future...

Seriously, I have such a love-hate relationship with that concept. Part of my is like, "wohoo, my future! I am going to travel and see things and have random adventures and get married and have more adventures!" The other part of me goes, "Dang. I am so not going anywhere in life right now."So you can understand my obvious dilemma.

Right now, Trinity is awesome. I really am feeling connected, and I love learning and hanging out with friends, so this environment is perfect. All aspects of my life--emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally--are definitely enjoying the journey. Yet I am really uncertain about what comes next. I got a four-year academic scholarship, but I was almost reluctant to take it because I felt like I was signing away the next four years of my life. After thinking and discussing it with my dad (he's my hero) I realized that there is no pressure to do all my studies at Trinity, and that if I feel like I would want a year or semester off, that is not really an issue either.

Then I had an epiphany. I do not think it is so much that I am not wanting to start and finish my university major in four consecutive years, but that I have a blatant fear of committment.

Yep, I'm freaked. I love having countless options before me to toss around. The problem comes when I have to make a (potentially life-changing) decision after reviewing all my choices. I think I am afraid that if i choose wrong, then that's it, I've blown it. I also don't know what I am actually good at, and that thing being something that I also really enjoy doing. So in that sense, I fear that if I choose something and commit to it then I have limited myself and closed doors. But I think the deepest issue here is that I'm afraid that, say I choose something and put my whole heart into it, what happens if I fail? What happens if the thing that I want to do more than anything else in the world is my downfall? I guess that is why, for me, it seems so much easier to have a slew of options and to do a plethora of things mediocre. That way, if I do not succeed at one of those things, I can shrug it off easier and know that it's okay because I didn't try my very hardest.

It seems like a truly sad concept to me.

So, okay, now I've recognized my fears, but the realization has not pushed me any closer to discovering what I want to do with my life or who I want to be. Maybe I'll just do one semester at TWU and then travel or work. Or maybe I'll take a year off in between years. Or maybe I'll transfer to a community college or an international school. The maybe's aren't very reassuring.

I think perhaps what I really want is for someone to sit me down and say, "Look, Janelle: here are your talents. Here are your weaknesses. I think you would love to do ______." But, I really don't want someone else telling me what I should do with my life. Maybe just a little push in the right direction would do it...

Little help?