When my baby doesn't sleep, Mama smiles

The past few weeks Judah has decided that he doesn't need to go to bed at 7 pm. Or 7:30. Or 8:30. Heck, why not stay up and happily play and explore until 9:55 pm?

Okay, so that only happened once, but it was a crazy enough "once" to mention. If I recall correctly, David and I were sprawled across the living room in our pyjamas in a nearly passed out state as we watched Judah crawl and climb from couch to mini trampoline to cat to Daddy to banister to cat to chair to toy bin to cat to Mummy to door to fridge to cat... and repeat. After numerous attempts to put him down, tire him out, wind him down, and every other tactic we could think of, we eventually lay him in his crib, kissed him for the umpteenth time, and collapsed into our own bed while we listened to him giggling on the monitor.

You know, I act exasperated... but truthfully? I love it. 

Call me crazy but I L.O.V.E this new stage of crawling and climbing and exploring. I love that he hasn't figured out how to fit under the couch to retrieve his ball but will repeatedly attempt to master this feat. I love how he motors towards the dishwasher every time I open it. I love that he pulls out all the craft drawers and reorganizes the paintbrushes and markers (he's his father's son, that boy). I honestly love that he makes messes and eats sand and hides food in his diaper and has learned how to dump our water bottles all over the carpet.
Because in these moments he is doing and becoming everything a healthy, happy little boy should be doing...

...Unlike his physiotherapy, which reduces him to a screaming, flailing, gasping, hyperventilating, nineteen pound bundle of noise and tears.

And that's not even mentioning the full range of emotions that it puts David and me through.

To be honest, I haven't blogged in a couple of months because there hasn't been much to say. Or at least, not much to say that has been positive. I really hate the idea of this turning into a venting corner, and that's really not my style anyway, so I tend to avoid writing the woe-is-me-my-life-is-a-gong-show posts. But to catch you up to speed (warning: brutal honesty ahead)...

1. Helmut has been little more than a sweaty fashion statement over the summer, seeing as how Hawk's head hasn't grown in size since May. Helmut functions as a mold for Hawk's head to grow into, as opposed to applying direct force on the skull to somehow force it into becoming the appropriate shape. Picture the practice of growing a square watermelon in a box versus shaping a lump of dough into a ball using your hands: the former is a passive boundary whereas the latter is an active force. Simply put, if Judah's head isn't growing, Helmut isn't doing anything, so these past three months haven't resulted in any improvement. However, up until May Helmut was doing exactly what it was supposed to be doing in proportion to Judah's rapidly growing head, and since then his head has looked great--almost "normal"! The orthotists are convinced that there's a growth spurt right around the corner, and prayerfully that will be the final push that is needed for Judah to have a proportioned head--and be Helmut free! Please pray that this happens soon. Helmut doesn't aid in happy physio exercises, so the sooner it's off the better :).

2. We hit a huge wall with physiotherapy (read: no improvement in spite of 5 months of treatment and persistently doing the exercises at home multiple times daily), so we were advised to seek private treatment. This new therapist believes that one, maybe two, months of aggressive treatment should have a significant effect on Judah's head tilt (please pray that it's only one month!), so we are now attending 45+ minute sessions three times a week in Surrey, and doing three exercise sessions at home each day, roughly 25 minutes each time.

Let's just say there is a lot of crying involved. And not all of the tears belong to Judah.

Nitin, our physiotherapist, is incredible and patient and has genius ideas for helping Judah, and he's TRAINED in working with babies who are having meltdowns... but even he needs to take a smoke break after Judah's treatments. Yeah. I feel guilty about that too.

Some of our friends and family have seen us perform the neck stretches on Judah, but we have not been able to bring ourselves to do his strengthening exercises in public... mostly because it's brutal to watch and in spite of its necessity, we feel guilty putting Judah through this. Definitely not something that we'd like an audience for.

Sometimes, if we're feeling that extra strength coming our way, David and I are able to work together to do his afternoon/evening sessions. One of us acts as the distractor, jumping and twirling, waving pretty-shiny-noisy-obnoxious things, singing and dancing and generally applauding and giving as much verbal encouragement to Judah as possible. I bet it's hilarious to watch, but it really only serves to counteract the "we feel dead inside" emotions. However, more recently David and I haven't been able to handle the scream fests, so we spell each other off as needed, which is amazing and for which I'm SO grateful. Honey, if you're reading this, you're a total gem and I love you.

Timing his sessions takes the skill of an organizational wizard (whom I am not). Catching those windows of opportunity three times a day where he's not hungry-not tired-not sleeping is actually harder than it seems--but nothing is harder than saying, "Yay, you're well rested, well fed, and playing so nicely and learning how to explore the world; have fun! Just kidding, it's time for you to get to work! It's been almost two hours since Mummy made you cry bloody murder. Goodie!"

So even though Judah's new being up late streak has started to throw our evening habits into a bit of a tizzy, I really don't mind it at all. Because there's a great rule in our house and it's "No Physio After 7". So you stay up, kiddo, and you play to your heart's content! And we'll play with you and we promise we won't touch your neck or dangle you in awkward positions that would make any yoga fanatic green with envy. We will play and read you books and chase you around the house and forget just for a little while that we "should" be using this time to squeeze in an extra strengthening session. These late night frenzies have honestly been the highlight of my days.

... And after all that, tonight he was in bed and snoozing at 6:54 pm. Wonders never cease! Sleep well, tiny love, and may these words be etched forever on your heart:

"For you created my inmost being;

    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

¹⁴ 

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    your works are wonderful,

    I know that full well.

¹⁵ 

My frame was not hidden from you

    when I was made in the secret place,

    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

¹⁶ 

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

    all the days ordained for me were written in your book

    before one of them came to be."

Psalm 139:13-16