I desire mercy, not sacrifice...
I know not what this means. Or I guess I do, but I don't know how it looks. How to live it. There is so much I do not know. So much has happened in my life recently, but I think I've left God out of most of it. I don't want this to be a complaining blog however. But I'll just spew. Here goes.
Crap, how do I LIVE Christ? Like, life can go on for me and I can get up early and earnestly seek the Lord and talk to Him throughout the day, fellowship with other believers, worship Him, and even pour myself out before Him in tears and... nothing. Then I can have a day where I don't get up early, I really don't talk to Him that much, I don't spend any time talking about Him with friends or praying and... nothing. Seriously, I find it hard to discipline myself to get to know Him when it honestly doesn't seem to make any difference at all. Sure, there are TONS of things in my life that I need to give up and let Him destroy. And I offer them to Him. and I offer them to Him. and I surrender. and I surrender. and nothing changes. So I guess now i'm in a place of rebellion. It's easier for me to to hold on to my "golden calf." It's too emotionally and mentally and spiritually destructive otherwise. NOTHING BLOODY CHANGES. I feel like I'm fooling myself when I tell people (or myself) that my God is a healing God. I can't explain why He doesn't always heal or why some people don't experience Him or feel Him. But something in me explodes with passion to know Him and to have others know Him too. Every night I pray that I would see the Lord in dreams. EVERY NIGHT. Every morning I ask to see Him during that day, or to have divine appointments with people, or to walk in the Spirit constantly. EVERY MORNING. and every day I beg to be free, I place all my worries and fears on Him, and offer myself up as a living sacrifice to be used as His ambassador. EVERY DAY. and nothing changes. nothing. bloody. changes. So for the past... mmm... maybe 5 days I haven't. I haven't sought Him wholeheartedly, surrendered all of me, or worshipped Him lovingly. And wanna know what really gets me? Nothing changed. I mean, I've asked so many times that I would have a relationship with Jesus where I NOTICE when I haven't read my Bible or talked to Him because my day sucks, my attitude sucks, or I just feel off. It's heartwrenching when nothing changes either way. When I don't notice it. I feel like I've given and poured so much of me into knowing Christ and ... nothing. Crap, I hate saying that. Because I KNOW it's not true. But i refuse to live a partial life with the Lord! It's gotta be ALL or nothing. and more than anything i long for it to be completely consuming and fulfilling, but again, to be honest, other things are fulfilling me in life. I need to be brought to a place where I HAVE to rely on Him, I guess. oh, i don't know what I need. There's this verse that says "Seek the Lord while He may be found" and so often I wonder if He isn't to be found by me. Like, He's there, but ... nothing. I don't know how to live.
And all these different theologies... don't even get me started :)
"If you follow my teachings, then you are truly my disciples. Then you will know the TRUTH and the TRUTH will set you free." (mark 8:34)
thanks guys for listening :)
6 comments:
hello my friend,
i can relate to you somewhat, and i have really no idea what to tell you, but all i can say is that i'll pray for you, and i love you. ya, like shannon said, our God IS a healer and he IS faithful... even though it's hard to believe right now, hang on that.
p.s you're gonna be hot on friday :)
hey gals... thanks so much. that was awesome, from both of you. it made me teary. and so grateful to have such amazing friends. read jEF's blog too... so much like how i'm feeling (except I'm a girl in need of grace, not a man ;)) I know the Lord is good and I know He has so much in His hands that I am too small yet to understand. thanks for the prayers! I need to be captured once again. love u
Those words you wrote, Janelle, were dark yet lovely. Truly. As I thought about what you were saying, and even what you were saying on your last post a few scriptures came to mind:
"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for the WILL be filled." Matt 5:6
"...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" Phil 1:6
And Prov chapter 2, but I won't write it all out. You can read it when you have some time. Janelle, you ARE an ambassedor, you ARE a warrior, you ARE a lover of God, and nothing can take it from you, not even yourself. Because it wasn't yours to achieve in the first place, but rather it was the grace of God that called you by a new name. He wants to call us all by a new name. Where, in our frustration, we beat ourselves down in our striving, he wants to calm us and whisper into our ears. The beauty of the kingdom of God is that those who want more of God get it. It might be a long process, but as Matt Moerman taught me, sometimes the things that take the longer to grasp and understand and sort out, last the longest and produce the most change. If you are hungry for it, he will fill you. Seekers find, askers receive, and those who knock on doors will see them open before their eyes. Keeping knocking, Janel. You inspire me.
jeF
jeF, Mary... thanks. :) Sooo much. It's friends like you that keep me afloat! may our Savior be so close
Thank you so much for writing this blog! Recently Ive been struggling forgeting the Lord and following my own path. Ive felt really selfish and resentful of having to change my behavior to honor Him. Im tired of reading my Bible. Im tired of telling others about Him. I am tired of trying to do the right thing all of the time.
Anyway last night I prayed to the Lord and told him all of this and today I got a comment on my myspace that read
"I know not what this means." I thought it was a strange comment so I googled the phrase thinking it was from a poem or something which lead me to your page.
Its nice to know that Im not all alone in my feelings and that God is obviously listening and cares. Hopefully now 4 years later you feel differently.
Thank you
take heart--things do change! and the Lord is patient through our ravings. I can look back, four years later, and KNOW that there is a God in heaven, and his heart is sold-out for me. Peace to all.
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