Living with people can be the most rewarding the most draining experience of your life. There are times when I've laughed so hard at the most ridiculous thing that I felt like I was about to pass out from lack of oxygen to the brain. There are also times when someone cracks out 94.5 The Beat FM and the craziest dance party emerges. And then you start rubbing off on each other. So-and-so from Oregon uses the word "fetus" alot and then, what do ya know, you drop the word casually too, without even meaning it. It's exhilarating, making fun of each other's accents and learning all about the cultural differences in Toronto. And I feel accepted and funny and safe.
But then the quirks and issues arise. Someone makes a self-conscious comment. Another complains about another's habits. It makes me want to scream, "Stop! Let's all go back to week one where we all knew each other's favorite food, silly one-liners, and music genres! Let's just go for group walks where we explore abandoned houses and search for old apples in those stray fields! Let's just snack on sour keys and licorice while watching "Friends" and "Emperor's New Groove" together!"
Man, seriously, those times are so unterrifying.
Maybe I'm afraid of intimacy. Yeah, I probably am. The more I get to know someone the more I realize they are getting to know me, and it honestly can scare the living hell out of me.
I guess it's because I hate not knowing myself, and am concerned that the stunted fragments of me will come out misunderstood or that who I am really is so far from who I want to be. Who I should be. Who I was chosen to be.
I don't trust the Lord as I need to. If I did, if I actually and truly believed that He was Who He says He is, I would have nary a care in the world. I realize when I'm not trusting God, I start to feel like I'm dangling over a ravine on a thin rope. I struggle and squirm and attempt to reach a tree branch or the cliff edge just to gain some sort of feeble control. And knowing me, I probably start getting quite moody, cursing the rocks, the winding river way below, even the very cord that's holding me up. And I'm sure I'm crying by this point too. Then I start getting desperate. I think of all the things I have to offer in order to be placed on safe ground again. I think of all the ways I've messed up and start rambling off hurried and uncontemplated appologies, and praying that I've gathered enough good karma to get me out of this uncomfortable position.
I think the configuration of my life has been tragically marred by a perfectionism that doggedly pursues me, and an inability to exhaustively understand and receive the unadulterated mercy of God Almighty. That I should ever be so proud as to spite His favor and demand that I do it my own, bumbling, pathetic way is devastating. It would be laughable if it wasn't so blatantly appalling.
Ohh... when will I learn?
1 comment:
Janelle, I'd say it's pretty safe to say that I know you quite well, maybe even very well. You're incredible. Simply put, there are a million things I could say about you, all of which are good. Not to mention the other million things I could say that aren't so good. But one thing I do know, is that you trust in the Lord. No matter what happens in your life, you always turn to God in pray. More than that, you seek him, fervently. It amazes me, your very longing to always be seeking and searching for God. You've already found Him. Or maybe I should say, He's already found you. And He's not one to let go. So...what do you do when you're dangling over that cliff. You stop, pray, and realize that you never were dangling, you were flying in the arms of God the whole time.
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