wow, tis been a long time. impishly long. i'd like to meet a leprechaun. quirky little fellas, i bet. anyway...
man, this week has been a chapter of Hell. but at the same time it's been so good. i have so much pride that i don't even realize it until I've done or said something completely foolish. God's been teaching me so many little things, through so many friends. my thoughts are so completely random and i've about 3 and a quarter dozen things running through my mind at once in the past week or so that when i even try to sit and think rationally or pray or even just talk with someone, i feel like i'm running on auto-pilot and the batteries are fading quick. beans, that's a gross feeling.
I think i need to ask 27 or so people's forgiveness... i've been so crabby and snotty and just a super crap jerk recently, for no real reason! i just want to please Christ. My heart feels beat up so much too... even from the Lord. like, so many prayers that i haven't seen acknowledgement from Him, let alone answers one way or the other. i think i need to be hit again with the simplicity yet intricate awesomeness of the Gospel. of the incarnation. lotsa prayer for that... especially now that it's coming up to easter. anyway, if you want to know more, grab me in the calls, or call me, folks! (463-7430). i'd love to write more, but Joel's sleeping in the computer room tonight so i gotta jetison. love. lovelovelovelovelovelovelove. amen.
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
Hey dudes and dudettes! what is up?
you know what's so cool, but at the same time kinda bittersweet? I've been praying alot recently that the Lord would help me to get up early and read the bible and pray. and it's totally be working! in that I don't get outta bed until i've prayed for a couple minutes and read a few chapters. except i can't for the LIFE of me really remember what it is that i've read. i hang out with Jesus at night too, right before bed, but i like the whole "first thing in the morning" thing where it's the start of the day. i mean, how lame is being all like "yah, and uh, i dedicate this day I just had to you and surrender all of me unto You to be used for Your glory... tomorrow?" lol.. i've seriously said that before. like, known how much more focused and alert I am at night so devoted myself for the next day. and don't get me wrong, I think that I kinda need to be in constant reminder of being devoted, so it's a good thing, but at the same time, I want to notice a difference in my day when I don't spend quality time with Christ in the morning. and i mean QUALITY time... i know I'm not there yet. i think i'm gonna start praying for that though... that I'd really really see a change in the days I hang out and surrender first thing and the days I don't. apparently it takes 40 consecutive days to form a habit. but they never really tell you the other statistic--it only takes one day to break it! I think during this Lentish time for me the Lord is calling me to REALLY use it to make some good habits. ooo, it reminds me of that verse in Romans... gimme a sec, lemme find it...
---------I N S E R T -- J E O P A R D Y -- M U S I C -- H E R E -------------------------------------
ahh, most excellent. here it be... not Romans, 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 :)
"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that WILL last forever! Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it a slave so that after I have preached to others, I myeslf will not be disqualified for the prize"....
and there's also 1 Tim 4:8
"For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for ALL things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come!"
cool hey?? I mean, this life we live with Christ is awesome, but it takes discipline! i honestly love the feel of training for something, working hard to achieve goals, whether physically or training Billie (my horsie :) ) or in school or whatever! i love it! but it surely does take effort on my part. and that's what it'll take to have a feast with Christ every morning! that and a heaping tablespoon of his grace :)
Wow, another thing He's been teaching me is about blessing people. you know how like, Jacob got Esau's blessing from Isaac? those blessings were powerful! I'm reading The Final Battle by C.S. Lewis and people can actually, like, curse other people! it's like praying to Satan! doesn't that freak you out? it totally shouldn't though because Jehovah is oh so much more powerful, but curses and blessings DO affect people! God's totally been pushing me to pray for people with blessings! like not just "bless so-and-so" but like, the way they blessed people in the old testament! yah... He's so cool :) anyway, i need to get some ZZZZZZZZ's, so i'll see y'all later!
yay for Esperanza! Pray pray pray sooo much into it! Pray and believe and then expect the richest of the blessings and wonders from our Lord Jesus while we're there! Pray for miracles! for wonderous, miraculous, mind-boggling experiences! all to Him,
Janella
"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every though and make it obedient to Christ!" 2 Cor. 10:5
you know what's so cool, but at the same time kinda bittersweet? I've been praying alot recently that the Lord would help me to get up early and read the bible and pray. and it's totally be working! in that I don't get outta bed until i've prayed for a couple minutes and read a few chapters. except i can't for the LIFE of me really remember what it is that i've read. i hang out with Jesus at night too, right before bed, but i like the whole "first thing in the morning" thing where it's the start of the day. i mean, how lame is being all like "yah, and uh, i dedicate this day I just had to you and surrender all of me unto You to be used for Your glory... tomorrow?" lol.. i've seriously said that before. like, known how much more focused and alert I am at night so devoted myself for the next day. and don't get me wrong, I think that I kinda need to be in constant reminder of being devoted, so it's a good thing, but at the same time, I want to notice a difference in my day when I don't spend quality time with Christ in the morning. and i mean QUALITY time... i know I'm not there yet. i think i'm gonna start praying for that though... that I'd really really see a change in the days I hang out and surrender first thing and the days I don't. apparently it takes 40 consecutive days to form a habit. but they never really tell you the other statistic--it only takes one day to break it! I think during this Lentish time for me the Lord is calling me to REALLY use it to make some good habits. ooo, it reminds me of that verse in Romans... gimme a sec, lemme find it...
---------I N S E R T -- J E O P A R D Y -- M U S I C -- H E R E -------------------------------------
ahh, most excellent. here it be... not Romans, 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 :)
"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that WILL last forever! Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it a slave so that after I have preached to others, I myeslf will not be disqualified for the prize"....
and there's also 1 Tim 4:8
"For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for ALL things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come!"
cool hey?? I mean, this life we live with Christ is awesome, but it takes discipline! i honestly love the feel of training for something, working hard to achieve goals, whether physically or training Billie (my horsie :) ) or in school or whatever! i love it! but it surely does take effort on my part. and that's what it'll take to have a feast with Christ every morning! that and a heaping tablespoon of his grace :)
Wow, another thing He's been teaching me is about blessing people. you know how like, Jacob got Esau's blessing from Isaac? those blessings were powerful! I'm reading The Final Battle by C.S. Lewis and people can actually, like, curse other people! it's like praying to Satan! doesn't that freak you out? it totally shouldn't though because Jehovah is oh so much more powerful, but curses and blessings DO affect people! God's totally been pushing me to pray for people with blessings! like not just "bless so-and-so" but like, the way they blessed people in the old testament! yah... He's so cool :) anyway, i need to get some ZZZZZZZZ's, so i'll see y'all later!
yay for Esperanza! Pray pray pray sooo much into it! Pray and believe and then expect the richest of the blessings and wonders from our Lord Jesus while we're there! Pray for miracles! for wonderous, miraculous, mind-boggling experiences! all to Him,
Janella
"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every though and make it obedient to Christ!" 2 Cor. 10:5
Saturday, February 21, 2004
g'day all!
wow, JessL, great stuff you talked about. I must say, that career fair was super boring, but the best part? skipping out of it and walking around downtown a bit (shhh!) and just seeing all the people. wow. that was harsh. there was this one guy and he was sitting on the corner of the street and asking for change. honestly, i had about $3.00 in change, but wasn't sure how good giving him money would do. so i gave him my yogurt. and then i saw him a few mins later eating it and he grabbed his stuff and hurried off. it felt good to give him something, but at the same time, i had a good clothes on, some stuff in my back pack, a hardy waterbottle, comfy shoes... and i gave this guy YOGURT? i mean, like, it's like this King walking around with gold falling out of his pockets, he's tripping on his thick, long, gorgeous robe, jewels and glittering on every finger and on his crown, and he passes a commoner a handkerchief. nice, thanks dude, i'll be sure to wipe my face extra gently with this baby. i wanna do so much more! and like, my WHOOOOLLLEEE life i've wanted to get out of Canada and into Africa, Asia, South and Central America, etc, to do the Lord's work. and maybe that's where He'll take me. but so much of my heart is right here too. right where the Natives are oppressed and the druggies are shooting up right next door. i mean, we KNOW the language of our nation and the culture and the people. we may not be immersed in the everyday struggles of the "real world", but it seems to make so much more sense to like, stay here and defend the cause of the poor and the needy, speaking up for those who can't speak for themselves.
man, on another note, do you ever get it where it's like everything inside of you is running in different directions at once and you feel like if you open a window you'll lose an arm or something? holy moly rolly polly, the Lord's totally just been showing me recently what it means to have an "undivided heart". like, my heart and passions are focussed, yet soooo divided right now! i have so many idols and high places and blah. grrr! go away! it was cool cuz after I was at Robyn's (lol, SHARI'S) house tonight I went up to the barn and was thinking about some crap and I parked so that I had to run across my ring (like 200 feet). on the way back from the barn to the car i somehow got a prickle in my shoe but still tried to ignore it and run anyway. God was totally like "it's hard to run your best when you've got something lodged in your way, hey?" and i was just sorta stubborn and like "yah, but whatever, i don't really notice it", and He was like "suit yourself, but that thing will get infected if you don't take it out, and you'll really start to lag in the race. get rid of those thorns." kwap. i hate thorns... i hate that sometimes they don't go away. II Corinthains 12. i feel for ya, Paul. Hmm, what a faithful God He is though! We've been praying for good weather for the Esperanza car wash and it looks like Jesus is gonna do juuuuuust that! Blessed at the pure in heart... for they will SEE THE LORD! Father, grant me a pure heart, let me not lift up my soul to another. be blessed!!!
PS. one little boy once wrote to Mother Theresa, completely enthralled by her selfless works and devotion to helping others. He asked how he could change his world and do those same things as her, serving those who couldn't help themselves. He asked where he should go to make the most impact. She wrote back with a simple reply. it said: "Find your own Calcutta." Calcutta... Vancouver... Maple Ridge... Pitt Meadows... could even be chapels at Haney or Fuel. where ever it is, the Psalms say that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted, the downcast, and the weary. let us find that Calcutta and faithfully flood it with prayer and miracles and commitment. i feel that i've been way too slack on my faithfulness recently to some things i have responsibility in. let us make the most of TODAY by surrounding it with so much prayer and finding courage from the Almighty to do those things we cannot do on our own but He pleads us to do. yes Lord! stop thinking my friends... get on the move!
PPS. that last PS was really long. :)
janners
wow, JessL, great stuff you talked about. I must say, that career fair was super boring, but the best part? skipping out of it and walking around downtown a bit (shhh!) and just seeing all the people. wow. that was harsh. there was this one guy and he was sitting on the corner of the street and asking for change. honestly, i had about $3.00 in change, but wasn't sure how good giving him money would do. so i gave him my yogurt. and then i saw him a few mins later eating it and he grabbed his stuff and hurried off. it felt good to give him something, but at the same time, i had a good clothes on, some stuff in my back pack, a hardy waterbottle, comfy shoes... and i gave this guy YOGURT? i mean, like, it's like this King walking around with gold falling out of his pockets, he's tripping on his thick, long, gorgeous robe, jewels and glittering on every finger and on his crown, and he passes a commoner a handkerchief. nice, thanks dude, i'll be sure to wipe my face extra gently with this baby. i wanna do so much more! and like, my WHOOOOLLLEEE life i've wanted to get out of Canada and into Africa, Asia, South and Central America, etc, to do the Lord's work. and maybe that's where He'll take me. but so much of my heart is right here too. right where the Natives are oppressed and the druggies are shooting up right next door. i mean, we KNOW the language of our nation and the culture and the people. we may not be immersed in the everyday struggles of the "real world", but it seems to make so much more sense to like, stay here and defend the cause of the poor and the needy, speaking up for those who can't speak for themselves.
man, on another note, do you ever get it where it's like everything inside of you is running in different directions at once and you feel like if you open a window you'll lose an arm or something? holy moly rolly polly, the Lord's totally just been showing me recently what it means to have an "undivided heart". like, my heart and passions are focussed, yet soooo divided right now! i have so many idols and high places and blah. grrr! go away! it was cool cuz after I was at Robyn's (lol, SHARI'S) house tonight I went up to the barn and was thinking about some crap and I parked so that I had to run across my ring (like 200 feet). on the way back from the barn to the car i somehow got a prickle in my shoe but still tried to ignore it and run anyway. God was totally like "it's hard to run your best when you've got something lodged in your way, hey?" and i was just sorta stubborn and like "yah, but whatever, i don't really notice it", and He was like "suit yourself, but that thing will get infected if you don't take it out, and you'll really start to lag in the race. get rid of those thorns." kwap. i hate thorns... i hate that sometimes they don't go away. II Corinthains 12. i feel for ya, Paul. Hmm, what a faithful God He is though! We've been praying for good weather for the Esperanza car wash and it looks like Jesus is gonna do juuuuuust that! Blessed at the pure in heart... for they will SEE THE LORD! Father, grant me a pure heart, let me not lift up my soul to another. be blessed!!!
PS. one little boy once wrote to Mother Theresa, completely enthralled by her selfless works and devotion to helping others. He asked how he could change his world and do those same things as her, serving those who couldn't help themselves. He asked where he should go to make the most impact. She wrote back with a simple reply. it said: "Find your own Calcutta." Calcutta... Vancouver... Maple Ridge... Pitt Meadows... could even be chapels at Haney or Fuel. where ever it is, the Psalms say that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted, the downcast, and the weary. let us find that Calcutta and faithfully flood it with prayer and miracles and commitment. i feel that i've been way too slack on my faithfulness recently to some things i have responsibility in. let us make the most of TODAY by surrounding it with so much prayer and finding courage from the Almighty to do those things we cannot do on our own but He pleads us to do. yes Lord! stop thinking my friends... get on the move!
PPS. that last PS was really long. :)
janners
Monday, February 16, 2004
hey guys! I've been thinking recently, and all of the sudden the idea of Lent came to mind. LENT! I was like "fruit, what's lent?" So I asked Mrs. Campbell and looked it up on the internet and here's what i found!
it's pretty much 40 days (not including sundays) of mouring and sacrifice before easter. in some churches it's 40 days of fasting certain foods. it starts on Ash Wednesday and ends the Saturday before Easter. It's supposed to be a time of confession and recomittment. I've never done Lent before, but I think that it could be totally profound and a deeply intimate experience with Jesus. And I know that i'll have to constantly be checking myself... making sure i'm not just going on a power trip--like just proving to myself and others that i can go without something for 6 weeks. and to use my desire for that certain something as an "alarm clock" to remind me to go and pray RIGHT then, or something like that. hm... something to think about for sure. For anyone who's interested it starts Wednesday, Feb. 25th and goes until Saturday, April 10th. And you can fast anything: PlayStation, Slurpees, meat... something that you find it hard to "live without" from day to day. but i also think it's a seriously personal thing. but i've got over a week to pray about it, so we'll see how it goes! If anyone else is interested and wants to do some sorta accountability thing, here i am :) ciao!
it's pretty much 40 days (not including sundays) of mouring and sacrifice before easter. in some churches it's 40 days of fasting certain foods. it starts on Ash Wednesday and ends the Saturday before Easter. It's supposed to be a time of confession and recomittment. I've never done Lent before, but I think that it could be totally profound and a deeply intimate experience with Jesus. And I know that i'll have to constantly be checking myself... making sure i'm not just going on a power trip--like just proving to myself and others that i can go without something for 6 weeks. and to use my desire for that certain something as an "alarm clock" to remind me to go and pray RIGHT then, or something like that. hm... something to think about for sure. For anyone who's interested it starts Wednesday, Feb. 25th and goes until Saturday, April 10th. And you can fast anything: PlayStation, Slurpees, meat... something that you find it hard to "live without" from day to day. but i also think it's a seriously personal thing. but i've got over a week to pray about it, so we'll see how it goes! If anyone else is interested and wants to do some sorta accountability thing, here i am :) ciao!
Saturday, February 14, 2004
Woe to those who fear not God! Whose ferocious love rests in another, whose prideful hand shoves down the opressed...woe to those who have taken idols! Whose worship bounces off bronze bellies and praises flutter to the earth... woe to those all void of passion! Whose hearts don't leap nor weep. Emotionless, devotionless, atrociousness. Woe am I, for i've seen the Lord! My unholy face drawn into His...my reeking soul has beheld pure glory. Oh, that He may bless me indeed! Cover me in blood that I may be clean.
The praise of my tongue is the least You are due! To walk hand in hand with Your love... My whole being cries out for a spirit of worship to reign. These iron shackles trip me up, pull me down. I've tried to run, but i'm crawling on the ground. Yesterday they caught me in Tomorrow's empty promises. A silver key You hold in your hand...
Can we rise above the squalour when the prince has the chains done up tight? We reformed to his ways, dead in life. Stretching out hands up, we slip. Muddy feet, faces, arms and clothes. How can we be relieved, transformed unto the Almighty? Weak and arrogant in the prince of lies! We serve the one we detest. Dances with the devil! Too weak to lead, too tired to let go, he drags us through the motions. We let him spin us, dip us, twirl us into the confusion of our sin. Oh, let the King take me over! Take my hand, so bony, grubby.. His so firm, yet soft. Let us dance to His glory, in His life, though His death and resurrection, above all fear, beyond all hate. hate of you. of me. of nothing and everything. Let me dance, sweet Jesus, with YOU!
The praise of my tongue is the least You are due! To walk hand in hand with Your love... My whole being cries out for a spirit of worship to reign. These iron shackles trip me up, pull me down. I've tried to run, but i'm crawling on the ground. Yesterday they caught me in Tomorrow's empty promises. A silver key You hold in your hand...
Can we rise above the squalour when the prince has the chains done up tight? We reformed to his ways, dead in life. Stretching out hands up, we slip. Muddy feet, faces, arms and clothes. How can we be relieved, transformed unto the Almighty? Weak and arrogant in the prince of lies! We serve the one we detest. Dances with the devil! Too weak to lead, too tired to let go, he drags us through the motions. We let him spin us, dip us, twirl us into the confusion of our sin. Oh, let the King take me over! Take my hand, so bony, grubby.. His so firm, yet soft. Let us dance to His glory, in His life, though His death and resurrection, above all fear, beyond all hate. hate of you. of me. of nothing and everything. Let me dance, sweet Jesus, with YOU!
Happy Valentine's Day, guys! Yah know, I love Valentine's day :) I mean, red, white, and pink go really well together. And the ribbon-wrapped flowers and the little hearts everywhere. And the seasonal V-day candy and chocolate. and how the writing on cards and in shopping malls and on wrappers is all loopy calligraphy. Man, do men hate this time of year? Because it sure makes me feel girly! But I'm pretty materialistic on Feb. 14th because I'm unaware of the story behind the holiday, if there is one. Me and Jesus are going on a Valentine's date today. well, we sorta started it and then I got distracted (i swear I have ADHD.. j/k) but we'll try that again in a few minutes :) But yah guys, like, fall in love with Jesus again on this day. It's kinda wierd because so much of V-day seems like fluff and puppy love and cutesy smoochy lovey dovey gah gah emotions, which is NOT what i want my relationship with Jesus to be. like, it should be so much more... oh i dunno, grounded :) not that it's wrong to be giddy. pickles, be giddy and giggly in your love for Christ! but let's let this day be a reminder of how it's so soooooo much more than nuts and fluff... yah. :)
head over heels,
Janelle
XO XO XO (lol, sorry, couldn't resist!)
head over heels,
Janelle
XO XO XO (lol, sorry, couldn't resist!)
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Whoa-ho, it's been a looooong time since i've last blogged! so sorry about that! I've thinking about knowing the Lord. I mean like REALLY knowing him. really really. There's this verse, Jeremiah 22:16. it goes: "'He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know Me?' declares the Lord."
Can someone know the Lord and never have come in contact with His Son? Is it possible for people who don't proclaim that Jesus is the Messiah, yet love everyone and serve wholeheartedly to enter the Kingdom of Heaven? 1 Corinthians 13 pretty much says that Love is what endures forever. But then of course it's Romans that states that we must confess with our mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in our hearts that God raised him from the dead and we will be saved. but you can do that without knowing Christ, no?
I could read every single biography and autobiography, newsclipping, magazine article, and website on Vincent Van Gogh and know everything about his life: when he was born, who his girlfriend was, all his interesting habits, but not really KNOW him. i'd know all about him, no doubt, but he personally would still be a mystery.
I could examine every piece of Van Gogh's artwork, studying each line and analyzing every curve, until I was able to recognize his paintings from across the room and pull apart the meaning underneath each one. I'd know his masterpieces and his style, but the artist would still be unknown to me.
I could attend seminars, listen to speakers, join a Van Gogh fan club, and put aside certain times where i'd simply meditate on understanding his condition. but i STILL wouldn't truly KNOW him!
i think real knowledge, true intimacy comes from experience. I can't know any of my friends unless i hang out with them and discover what makes them tick, their pet peeves, their favorite jokes, their deep thoughts, their dreams and hopes, their fears and their frustrations. in the same way, i don't feel as though I truly KNOW the Lord. I certainly know of him, what He's done and famous for, the way He acted in certain situations, but ... it still just feels like i'm doing a lifetime project on someone reputable. and that totally devalues our God. takes away from the relationship. hmm...
I was at the Model United nations thing these past 4 days and it was really fun! imust say, one of my more memorable moments was this talk Lindsay and I had for over an hour late at night in bed. i dunno, it just totally got me thinking about true Christianity and what it means. We watched some dancers from teh Maxwell School of Ba'Hai for a couple hours earlier that day as part of the opening ceremonies for the MUN, and they were amazing! totally cool! but just the whole theology is sooo interesting. and i was talking to these students that go there and he let us see his school binder and ... man, i dunno. the whole weekend was just soaked in pluralism and multiculturalism. sooo interesting and sooo thought-provoking.
sorry that this has been kind of vague... i'm doing quite well emotionally, but like spiritually, i'm just kinda floating. like so much is in my head and so many thoughts and questions, my pursuit of truth seems to have been hindered by my desire for comfortability... erm... i guess it's just easier sometimes to take my brain out and keep it in a jar, not having to think about anything save history, french and what i'll do with my free blocks. but yah... i don't know, through all of everything, the Lord is sooo good! so good... hmm... like no matter how many questions i have, there's always the transcending peace :) awesome! ciao for now,
Janners
Can someone know the Lord and never have come in contact with His Son? Is it possible for people who don't proclaim that Jesus is the Messiah, yet love everyone and serve wholeheartedly to enter the Kingdom of Heaven? 1 Corinthians 13 pretty much says that Love is what endures forever. But then of course it's Romans that states that we must confess with our mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in our hearts that God raised him from the dead and we will be saved. but you can do that without knowing Christ, no?
I could read every single biography and autobiography, newsclipping, magazine article, and website on Vincent Van Gogh and know everything about his life: when he was born, who his girlfriend was, all his interesting habits, but not really KNOW him. i'd know all about him, no doubt, but he personally would still be a mystery.
I could examine every piece of Van Gogh's artwork, studying each line and analyzing every curve, until I was able to recognize his paintings from across the room and pull apart the meaning underneath each one. I'd know his masterpieces and his style, but the artist would still be unknown to me.
I could attend seminars, listen to speakers, join a Van Gogh fan club, and put aside certain times where i'd simply meditate on understanding his condition. but i STILL wouldn't truly KNOW him!
i think real knowledge, true intimacy comes from experience. I can't know any of my friends unless i hang out with them and discover what makes them tick, their pet peeves, their favorite jokes, their deep thoughts, their dreams and hopes, their fears and their frustrations. in the same way, i don't feel as though I truly KNOW the Lord. I certainly know of him, what He's done and famous for, the way He acted in certain situations, but ... it still just feels like i'm doing a lifetime project on someone reputable. and that totally devalues our God. takes away from the relationship. hmm...
I was at the Model United nations thing these past 4 days and it was really fun! imust say, one of my more memorable moments was this talk Lindsay and I had for over an hour late at night in bed. i dunno, it just totally got me thinking about true Christianity and what it means. We watched some dancers from teh Maxwell School of Ba'Hai for a couple hours earlier that day as part of the opening ceremonies for the MUN, and they were amazing! totally cool! but just the whole theology is sooo interesting. and i was talking to these students that go there and he let us see his school binder and ... man, i dunno. the whole weekend was just soaked in pluralism and multiculturalism. sooo interesting and sooo thought-provoking.
sorry that this has been kind of vague... i'm doing quite well emotionally, but like spiritually, i'm just kinda floating. like so much is in my head and so many thoughts and questions, my pursuit of truth seems to have been hindered by my desire for comfortability... erm... i guess it's just easier sometimes to take my brain out and keep it in a jar, not having to think about anything save history, french and what i'll do with my free blocks. but yah... i don't know, through all of everything, the Lord is sooo good! so good... hmm... like no matter how many questions i have, there's always the transcending peace :) awesome! ciao for now,
Janners
Friday, January 23, 2004
hello! Yes, i am still alive. alive and well! I've forgotten about being a blogger though, probably due to exams and such. but life is so good.
man, i always have these epiphanys late at night! so (once again) please excuse that which may not be entirely coherent.
lol, as my links aren't working, i cant' comment on the blogs i read just now (Shannon's and Jess L's)... so i'll say it on here, girls!
Shay: i love love love your heart. and the whole sitting IN prayer, not merely throwing up requests is so beautiful, and exactly what i need to be doing as well. may there be so many blessings for you that come with that!
Jess: Yah, i hear yah when it comes to talking about boys and marriage and relationships. dude, it's hard. it's so easy to just sit and talk about boys. which, as you said, is healthy :) but where's the line? i honestly don't know. but these guys are our brothers, precious to us and to the body of Christ. it robs them of true value and honour when we see them only as "potentials" (not that you do this, just rambling :) ) but yah, once again, thanks for your wisdom and i love how you put the Bible right into your blogs! yay!
gosh, Bible this past week and a half has truely been a blessing. except i know i need to throw out an appology to all those in my bible class, especially those who were making presentations when i was being distracted. i've been blown away by people in CHRP recently! i LOVED everyone's project for 2 reason: 1) most of them were truly from the heart and so full of wisdom and truth and, 2) it gave me a chance to see so many of my friends in a vulnerable position and totally do an amazing job at what they did. so thanks all you in Bible! i love you guys!
it's crazy, there were so many topics discussed in Bible... Worship, ghosts, halloween, Gandhi, desensitization, the poor, astrology, love, music, beauty, fashion, ... the list goes on! And i have walked away from the presentations so full of questions and such a desire to seek truth. everyone did an amazing job of looking into the Word for God's answers, but sometimes things just aren't answered. and it totally got me to thinking about WHY i get frustrated sometimes when i don't know answers to things, especially "spiritual" things. like, sometimes I just want Jesus to be black and white, with an opinion on everything, with a "right" path for my life, with absolute truths. And i need to totally repent for that... that's me putting Christ in a box. something i HATE to have happen to me... and something that totally takes away from the mystery, holiness, and wisdom of Yahweh. brutal...
another thing God's shown me about my life is: ME. everything i do is about me. seriously, everything, from giving money to help others to worship to school to relationships. i sacrifice time, money, means, etc, for ME. not intentionally, but the things i do i do in hopes to make me feel better. make me more comfortable. Oh Jesus, throw a different card at me! force me out of my gluttonous, pleasure living life! and gah, see, that's for me too! i need a serious humility lesson. and thankfully, we've got the best Teacher. reminds me of Phil 2...
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself. Each of you should look not only to your own interest, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be that of Christ Jesus: Who, in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant..." (and on... it's so good, read it! :) )
wow... yes Lord. and so, as mentioned in that passage, i know that I AM important and i am the temple of the living, mighty God, and so how i care for my self and think of myself is crucial, but at the same time, there's that whole "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me" verse as well. DENY myself. what is that really? whatever it is, i know i want to do it. every single day! every moment. i GOTTA walk the talk. man, totally! where is the love? mine is very teeny tiny and pretty conditional. and i think so much of being a follower of Christ is suffering for him, but i'm waaaaaay to comfy cozy to experience any of that. sweet pickles, i need Him bad!
"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who, WHO can be against us?" (Romans 8:31).
Janellio-yo-ho-wiggedy-whack-smack-pitter-pat-gotta-go
man, i always have these epiphanys late at night! so (once again) please excuse that which may not be entirely coherent.
lol, as my links aren't working, i cant' comment on the blogs i read just now (Shannon's and Jess L's)... so i'll say it on here, girls!
Shay: i love love love your heart. and the whole sitting IN prayer, not merely throwing up requests is so beautiful, and exactly what i need to be doing as well. may there be so many blessings for you that come with that!
Jess: Yah, i hear yah when it comes to talking about boys and marriage and relationships. dude, it's hard. it's so easy to just sit and talk about boys. which, as you said, is healthy :) but where's the line? i honestly don't know. but these guys are our brothers, precious to us and to the body of Christ. it robs them of true value and honour when we see them only as "potentials" (not that you do this, just rambling :) ) but yah, once again, thanks for your wisdom and i love how you put the Bible right into your blogs! yay!
gosh, Bible this past week and a half has truely been a blessing. except i know i need to throw out an appology to all those in my bible class, especially those who were making presentations when i was being distracted. i've been blown away by people in CHRP recently! i LOVED everyone's project for 2 reason: 1) most of them were truly from the heart and so full of wisdom and truth and, 2) it gave me a chance to see so many of my friends in a vulnerable position and totally do an amazing job at what they did. so thanks all you in Bible! i love you guys!
it's crazy, there were so many topics discussed in Bible... Worship, ghosts, halloween, Gandhi, desensitization, the poor, astrology, love, music, beauty, fashion, ... the list goes on! And i have walked away from the presentations so full of questions and such a desire to seek truth. everyone did an amazing job of looking into the Word for God's answers, but sometimes things just aren't answered. and it totally got me to thinking about WHY i get frustrated sometimes when i don't know answers to things, especially "spiritual" things. like, sometimes I just want Jesus to be black and white, with an opinion on everything, with a "right" path for my life, with absolute truths. And i need to totally repent for that... that's me putting Christ in a box. something i HATE to have happen to me... and something that totally takes away from the mystery, holiness, and wisdom of Yahweh. brutal...
another thing God's shown me about my life is: ME. everything i do is about me. seriously, everything, from giving money to help others to worship to school to relationships. i sacrifice time, money, means, etc, for ME. not intentionally, but the things i do i do in hopes to make me feel better. make me more comfortable. Oh Jesus, throw a different card at me! force me out of my gluttonous, pleasure living life! and gah, see, that's for me too! i need a serious humility lesson. and thankfully, we've got the best Teacher. reminds me of Phil 2...
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself. Each of you should look not only to your own interest, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be that of Christ Jesus: Who, in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant..." (and on... it's so good, read it! :) )
wow... yes Lord. and so, as mentioned in that passage, i know that I AM important and i am the temple of the living, mighty God, and so how i care for my self and think of myself is crucial, but at the same time, there's that whole "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me" verse as well. DENY myself. what is that really? whatever it is, i know i want to do it. every single day! every moment. i GOTTA walk the talk. man, totally! where is the love? mine is very teeny tiny and pretty conditional. and i think so much of being a follower of Christ is suffering for him, but i'm waaaaaay to comfy cozy to experience any of that. sweet pickles, i need Him bad!
"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who, WHO can be against us?" (Romans 8:31).
Janellio-yo-ho-wiggedy-whack-smack-pitter-pat-gotta-go
Thursday, January 08, 2004
Hey all! Here are some poems that i've written recently... :)
Revealed Identity
Will you dance with me?
Tap out this fearful melody
Across the floor of all my dreams
Can you dance with me?
Will you walk with me?
Hand in hand beside the sea
Painting out sweet nature’s themes
Can you walk with me?
Will you laugh with me?
Dispel the darkest insanity
Chuckle at mischievous schemes
Can you laugh with me?
Will you sing with me?
Whistle soft the harmony
Musical scales, crescendoed moonbeams
Can you sing with me?
And will you speak to me?
Whisper dear truths of eternity
Endless phrase and sentence streams
Please, come speak, to me
Freedom’s Songbird
I carry a finch in my pocket
A fragile little thing
She’s not much bigger than a mite
Yet everything makes her sing
Sometimes she chirps so loud
And beats her feisty wings
I think she wants out of my pocket
Her pecking is starting to sting
Up, aloof, beyond the sun
She soars so high and perches proud
Inspired, accepted, life is good
The faintest dreams are sung aloud
Far beneath the airborne finch
Desperate cries are heard
She circles slowly, listen now
She hears the cry, but what’s the word?
Trapped, imprisoned are the sparrows
Legs in nets and wings near broken
Bloody beaks sing not of joy
Only sheer pain is spoken
My finch, she pauses for a moment
Up here the sky is so blue
How could she leave it for that mess?
But what else can she do?
She touches down, alert and ready
Wasteland as far as she can see
Down here things sure aren’t pretty
But it’s where she needs to be
A Girl’s Best Friend
Cut an diamond
From a rock
How sheer and crisp
It rests
Each edge perfected
Vastly stunning
Is it brilliance
Majestically asserted, see
It shimmers upon
Velvet bed
But drop that diamond
In the ocean
Let it become dimmed
Pounding waves of
Crushing force
Smooth every corner
Down
Pounded against
Rock and shore
This little jewel
Groans
Sand in its cracks
Oily seaweed
Steals its gleam
Berated and numbed of
Excellence
For when you toss
Gems to the sea
Their preciousness
Is lost
And any opal
Pearl
Or ruby
Looks like
Any other rock
Nature’s Symphony
Take me up to the mountain
To the floods of flowing fountains
Let it rain
Under the fir find shelter
Leaves run helter skelter
Let it snow
Trim the peaks with smothered silence
Attack the valley with ashen vengeance
Let it sun
Victorious, rise up in conquest
Pursued, tumble into the west
Let it storm
Flatted ferns with exhalation
Forked shocks and thundering perspiration
Let it hail
Sleeted sheets not rain nor snow
Frozen orbs, look out below!
Be still
To hold the heavens of passionate weather
To quiet the bird of quivering feather
I do not hold within my grasp
The keys to such forbidden task
Revealed Identity
Will you dance with me?
Tap out this fearful melody
Across the floor of all my dreams
Can you dance with me?
Will you walk with me?
Hand in hand beside the sea
Painting out sweet nature’s themes
Can you walk with me?
Will you laugh with me?
Dispel the darkest insanity
Chuckle at mischievous schemes
Can you laugh with me?
Will you sing with me?
Whistle soft the harmony
Musical scales, crescendoed moonbeams
Can you sing with me?
And will you speak to me?
Whisper dear truths of eternity
Endless phrase and sentence streams
Please, come speak, to me
Freedom’s Songbird
I carry a finch in my pocket
A fragile little thing
She’s not much bigger than a mite
Yet everything makes her sing
Sometimes she chirps so loud
And beats her feisty wings
I think she wants out of my pocket
Her pecking is starting to sting
Up, aloof, beyond the sun
She soars so high and perches proud
Inspired, accepted, life is good
The faintest dreams are sung aloud
Far beneath the airborne finch
Desperate cries are heard
She circles slowly, listen now
She hears the cry, but what’s the word?
Trapped, imprisoned are the sparrows
Legs in nets and wings near broken
Bloody beaks sing not of joy
Only sheer pain is spoken
My finch, she pauses for a moment
Up here the sky is so blue
How could she leave it for that mess?
But what else can she do?
She touches down, alert and ready
Wasteland as far as she can see
Down here things sure aren’t pretty
But it’s where she needs to be
A Girl’s Best Friend
Cut an diamond
From a rock
How sheer and crisp
It rests
Each edge perfected
Vastly stunning
Is it brilliance
Majestically asserted, see
It shimmers upon
Velvet bed
But drop that diamond
In the ocean
Let it become dimmed
Pounding waves of
Crushing force
Smooth every corner
Down
Pounded against
Rock and shore
This little jewel
Groans
Sand in its cracks
Oily seaweed
Steals its gleam
Berated and numbed of
Excellence
For when you toss
Gems to the sea
Their preciousness
Is lost
And any opal
Pearl
Or ruby
Looks like
Any other rock
Nature’s Symphony
Take me up to the mountain
To the floods of flowing fountains
Let it rain
Under the fir find shelter
Leaves run helter skelter
Let it snow
Trim the peaks with smothered silence
Attack the valley with ashen vengeance
Let it sun
Victorious, rise up in conquest
Pursued, tumble into the west
Let it storm
Flatted ferns with exhalation
Forked shocks and thundering perspiration
Let it hail
Sleeted sheets not rain nor snow
Frozen orbs, look out below!
Be still
To hold the heavens of passionate weather
To quiet the bird of quivering feather
I do not hold within my grasp
The keys to such forbidden task
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
What would happen if all of a sudden, I started typing in a different language. I mean, THINK ABOUT IT. And what if i seriously had no idea I was typing in a foreign language. that would be hilarious! And then I'd just be sitting fedadf que gloik vreti pobbu io hagen daz tres isine guilot dunca aluh guten vas gratzi notre por cabayano! haben cette facon el chico?
Isn't it crazy how sometimes God chooses the most random things to teach us lessons? I mean, I'm reading a book right now called The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, and it's such a girl book and I think it's so funny, but there's this little kid in it (ok, she's like 12) and she's really sick and someone asks her what she's afraid of. And her answer totally struck home with what I'M afraid of! It was crazy, and she just worded it so well. And for a 12 year old she was pretty insightful (ok, ok, it's a book, but still :). She said she was afraid of TIME. Afraid that she wouldn't have enough time to do all that she wanted. or that she wouldn't use the time she'd been given to do what really counts in this world.
Holy hot bananas. That's ME!
When I think of this right now, I just get this picture of Christmas time all again. I had asked a few weeks ago that the Lord would totally reveal His gift to me this Christmas. So when I see Christmas right now, this time it's just me and Jesus in the room with the warm fire and comfy couches... and he hands me this gift and I totally tear off the wrapper and look down at a clock. Pretty much just an ordinary, non digital clock, which ticks softly, but confidentally loud enough. I don't say anything because I'm a little confused. I guess I was expecting a box of wisdom, or a gift bag full of joy, or a stocking of faith, or a huge wrapped tweezer to help me remove my thorn... but a... clock?
So i'm looking at it, nodding slightly, thinking "maybe it's got a psycho annoying alarm to make sure I wake up early enough to do devos..." Jesus can see me analyzing the meaning behind the clock and he laughs and takes it from my hands.
"It's TIME, Janelle. It's seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks..."
"Ohh... wow..." I feel pretty stupid
"And I haven't given Time to you to make you feel guilty or stressed. it's not here to nag you to pray or to read your Bible or even to go and minister to others. But I hope you do those things anyway. This clock is to remind you of how short life is... many things you'll only have one opportunity to do. And in giving you this clock, this time, i'm really giving you the chance to have a full, abundant life. so go and live it!"
pickles, what a rush! After seeing this it's like why the fruit am i still at a computer??? Where are the homeless? Where are the hurting? the broken! the lost! or even, where's my bible!? And my guitar... I should call people over to pray! But no joke, like time IS ticking away and we need to take hold (whoa, deja vu of Darren Jones conference :) ) of livin' life full out and dispel all apathy and complacency and laziness. Proverbs talks SO much of people who are procrastinators and lazy and do-nothing-ers... and it's not cool stuff. I need to get moving! Who knows when that clock will pause, shudder, and die out? Who knows how long you or I will be here for? no one but Jesus! But whether I'm here for another 7 seconds or another 700 years, may every single second represent an undivided focus... complete devotion to Jesus and His people. Wow. that's huge. yes Lord! May His wisdom fill you with awe and may we all fall ,once again, in love with Jesus Christ. amen :)
Isn't it crazy how sometimes God chooses the most random things to teach us lessons? I mean, I'm reading a book right now called The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, and it's such a girl book and I think it's so funny, but there's this little kid in it (ok, she's like 12) and she's really sick and someone asks her what she's afraid of. And her answer totally struck home with what I'M afraid of! It was crazy, and she just worded it so well. And for a 12 year old she was pretty insightful (ok, ok, it's a book, but still :). She said she was afraid of TIME. Afraid that she wouldn't have enough time to do all that she wanted. or that she wouldn't use the time she'd been given to do what really counts in this world.
Holy hot bananas. That's ME!
When I think of this right now, I just get this picture of Christmas time all again. I had asked a few weeks ago that the Lord would totally reveal His gift to me this Christmas. So when I see Christmas right now, this time it's just me and Jesus in the room with the warm fire and comfy couches... and he hands me this gift and I totally tear off the wrapper and look down at a clock. Pretty much just an ordinary, non digital clock, which ticks softly, but confidentally loud enough. I don't say anything because I'm a little confused. I guess I was expecting a box of wisdom, or a gift bag full of joy, or a stocking of faith, or a huge wrapped tweezer to help me remove my thorn... but a... clock?
So i'm looking at it, nodding slightly, thinking "maybe it's got a psycho annoying alarm to make sure I wake up early enough to do devos..." Jesus can see me analyzing the meaning behind the clock and he laughs and takes it from my hands.
"It's TIME, Janelle. It's seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks..."
"Ohh... wow..." I feel pretty stupid
"And I haven't given Time to you to make you feel guilty or stressed. it's not here to nag you to pray or to read your Bible or even to go and minister to others. But I hope you do those things anyway. This clock is to remind you of how short life is... many things you'll only have one opportunity to do. And in giving you this clock, this time, i'm really giving you the chance to have a full, abundant life. so go and live it!"
pickles, what a rush! After seeing this it's like why the fruit am i still at a computer??? Where are the homeless? Where are the hurting? the broken! the lost! or even, where's my bible!? And my guitar... I should call people over to pray! But no joke, like time IS ticking away and we need to take hold (whoa, deja vu of Darren Jones conference :) ) of livin' life full out and dispel all apathy and complacency and laziness. Proverbs talks SO much of people who are procrastinators and lazy and do-nothing-ers... and it's not cool stuff. I need to get moving! Who knows when that clock will pause, shudder, and die out? Who knows how long you or I will be here for? no one but Jesus! But whether I'm here for another 7 seconds or another 700 years, may every single second represent an undivided focus... complete devotion to Jesus and His people. Wow. that's huge. yes Lord! May His wisdom fill you with awe and may we all fall ,once again, in love with Jesus Christ. amen :)
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
Wow, i'm making coffee cake right now (did you know that there's actually NO coffee in coffee cake! that, my friends, is deception! :) ) and it's taking a LONG time to cook. so that's why you guys get 2 blogs in one night! Another thing i was going to mention was that i'm so full of questions... like i read something and just TONS of questions come to me! they used to totally confuse me and i'd get frustrated, but now they're more just really spicy challenges... and it's cool! but i was finding that i was so busy that i would just ask all these questions and journal them and then not go and actually find the answers. so to solve my problem... i now read the BIble with a commentary beside me! (most of the time!) seriously, it's SO interesting! Like, you'll be reading something and you'll be like "sorceror"... what does that word actually mean? and then you'll read the little section in the commentary and it'll tell you that that word comes from the word "Pharmakia" which means "the illigitemit distribution of drugs", so a sorceror was, in a sense, a drug dealer. and for me, the Word has just totally come alive with new meanings and such! it's so neat! but not that we should be relying on a commentary for answers all the time. savvy? like, the Bible is the only inspired Book, but sometimes it's totally helpful and you'll read something and it'll be even more meaningful because you truly understand it. :) so yah, that's my 2 cents. i think my cake is done now! hopefully? we'll see!
J Ro
J Ro
Yo! I haven't too much to say, and as it's after 1:00 am i'm sure most of this isn't comprehendable, let along legible :) but i'll try my best!
so basically, i was sitting here just now and was thinking to myself "What has God taught me recently? Where's he pointing things out to me in my life?" and i think more and more He's revealing to me who i am. and who He wants me to be. and how those are similar and how those may have differences. one big thing as i learn who i am, i notice certain personality traits that i don't like. and they're not neccesary BAD traits, but i'll look at them and be like "hmm... i wish i was more outgoing..." or "Gee, i wish i could make everyone laugh"... and "boy, it sure would be nice to laugh all the time" and i become almost disappointed that i'm not those things. and i dunno, like i know that the Lord has crafted me with precision and detail, so i'm thinking that it's almost like shoving the Lord's creation back into His face because it didn't turn out how i'd like it to be. but then again i don't know. i don't think it's wrong to strive to be more boisterous and humourous, etc.
another thing is I think He's let me spend these past couple months dreaming about humongous things, things that there's no way i could accomplish on my own, but are so beautiful at the same time because HE can do them... but now it's like He's saying i've spent enough time at the easel sketching and drawing and dreaming and planning and now
IT'S TIME
i totally feel Him nudging me out the door, saying "look, there it is! The whole world I've given you to use... now let's go and ACCOMPLISH those desires! stop dreamin' and start livin'!"
and it's cool. now i need to wake up every morning and just really remember the shortness of life is... i think i'm gonna dry a flower and put it on my dresser to remind me of how quickly the flowers and beauty and life can wither away and to spur me forward to action and not complacency. yes Lord! i love you guys :)
Jan-L
so basically, i was sitting here just now and was thinking to myself "What has God taught me recently? Where's he pointing things out to me in my life?" and i think more and more He's revealing to me who i am. and who He wants me to be. and how those are similar and how those may have differences. one big thing as i learn who i am, i notice certain personality traits that i don't like. and they're not neccesary BAD traits, but i'll look at them and be like "hmm... i wish i was more outgoing..." or "Gee, i wish i could make everyone laugh"... and "boy, it sure would be nice to laugh all the time" and i become almost disappointed that i'm not those things. and i dunno, like i know that the Lord has crafted me with precision and detail, so i'm thinking that it's almost like shoving the Lord's creation back into His face because it didn't turn out how i'd like it to be. but then again i don't know. i don't think it's wrong to strive to be more boisterous and humourous, etc.
another thing is I think He's let me spend these past couple months dreaming about humongous things, things that there's no way i could accomplish on my own, but are so beautiful at the same time because HE can do them... but now it's like He's saying i've spent enough time at the easel sketching and drawing and dreaming and planning and now
IT'S TIME
i totally feel Him nudging me out the door, saying "look, there it is! The whole world I've given you to use... now let's go and ACCOMPLISH those desires! stop dreamin' and start livin'!"
and it's cool. now i need to wake up every morning and just really remember the shortness of life is... i think i'm gonna dry a flower and put it on my dresser to remind me of how quickly the flowers and beauty and life can wither away and to spur me forward to action and not complacency. yes Lord! i love you guys :)
Jan-L
Sunday, December 28, 2003
Lol, ok, have you guys ever been to quizilla.com? it's hilarious! they have tons of those totally lame but curiously intriuging quizzes you can take... i took a LOTRs one and here's the scoop :P
Congratulations! You're Aragorn!
Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
hahaha... that's no fair! just because i said i liked mud wrestling. it's ironic though because the first time i took it i said i enjoyed candle light dinners and jaccuzis and i was Legolas who was self absorbed and obsessed with my looks and then i went back and saw mud wrestling (didn't notice it at first) and changed it and all of a sudden i'm a complete slob! hahaha... good times.
Congratulations! You're Aragorn!
Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
hahaha... that's no fair! just because i said i liked mud wrestling. it's ironic though because the first time i took it i said i enjoyed candle light dinners and jaccuzis and i was Legolas who was self absorbed and obsessed with my looks and then i went back and saw mud wrestling (didn't notice it at first) and changed it and all of a sudden i'm a complete slob! hahaha... good times.
Thursday, December 25, 2003
woof... where do i start? i guess Merry Christmas? hahaha, but seriously, i hope it rocked for one and all out there. Christmas for me was... good. no, that's a lie. i mean, nothing horribly drastic went wrong... i got the gifts i hoped for, the food was excellent, the hanging out was sweet (err, "spicy" is the new "sweet", eh Kristeen? :) ), and it's happening all again in 2 days when my rellies from the interior come down! hurrah! erm.... i'm sorry, i'm not being sarcastic, really i'm not. i honestly DID enjoy Christmas and i seriously DO love seeing my family and doing the whole kit 'n kaboodle this time a year, but i'm so empty. gosh, i'm empty. more than that, i'm rebellious. and bitter. crap, if there's anything i hate it's when i'm bitter. my thorn has been jammed in me deep, and i guess it's hard not to notice. it's like there's such a battle that wages war in me. Jesus has one arm and Satan has the other and they argue over who gets me. and the frustrating thing is, i'm really not resisting the devil that much. because what he has to offer sometimes seems so worthwhile, so beautiful. but yuck, what an awful, disgusting thing it really is.
hmmm... i feel as though I have a lot more to say, like about daily giving 100%, making a conscious decision to live for Yeshua, and to really honestly DO the things He's placed on my heart to do... but i think i'm gonna take a shower, read le Bible, and be back. hopefully :) talk to you guys soon!
Janelle
"seek the Lord while He may be found..."
hmmm... i feel as though I have a lot more to say, like about daily giving 100%, making a conscious decision to live for Yeshua, and to really honestly DO the things He's placed on my heart to do... but i think i'm gonna take a shower, read le Bible, and be back. hopefully :) talk to you guys soon!
Janelle
"seek the Lord while He may be found..."
Thursday, December 11, 2003
help! i didn't change anything, but i no longer have comment thingers... and no more links. at least, i don't see them anywhere on my computer. i tried changing the template cuz i thought that might be it. but it's not. hmm... God let people make computers so that my patience could be tested and made strong! lol. love you muchly.
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
Whoa, two blogs in one day! that's simply nuts. but i wrote a poem. and it doesn't really accurately describe how i'm feeling like RIGHT now, but definately at times. so here it is! it's called Model Me.
Model Me
Why are you idols
So beautiful to me?
Gods of destruction
Scrutinous, seductive
You images without colour or soul
Why beckon the innocent into your arms?
The shapeless judgements, over shapen
You've touched the glass
Reflected your standards
To the dismay of your worshippers
With captivity you coyly skirt
About the seams
To make my worst enemy
That of myself
Hollow voices praise you (cranberried lips)
Blind, empty seekers (long lashed eyes)
I hate you
I love you
I am you
But don't you place
Dimples in my smiles
Don't dance your figures
Over our own
Sticks and stones
You sticks weighed in stones
You devour those who won't consume
Bars of guilt
Formed yet deformed
Hands on no hips
We crowned you our queen
And faithful are we
To the shadows you cast
In my mind's looking glass
Could we dethrone you?
Cut your life short
But I fear of the exile
Betrayal has promised
And so now we stay
Merely bones and some skin
And align in the army
Of crumbling manequins.
Model Me
Why are you idols
So beautiful to me?
Gods of destruction
Scrutinous, seductive
You images without colour or soul
Why beckon the innocent into your arms?
The shapeless judgements, over shapen
You've touched the glass
Reflected your standards
To the dismay of your worshippers
With captivity you coyly skirt
About the seams
To make my worst enemy
That of myself
Hollow voices praise you (cranberried lips)
Blind, empty seekers (long lashed eyes)
I hate you
I love you
I am you
But don't you place
Dimples in my smiles
Don't dance your figures
Over our own
Sticks and stones
You sticks weighed in stones
You devour those who won't consume
Bars of guilt
Formed yet deformed
Hands on no hips
We crowned you our queen
And faithful are we
To the shadows you cast
In my mind's looking glass
Could we dethrone you?
Cut your life short
But I fear of the exile
Betrayal has promised
And so now we stay
Merely bones and some skin
And align in the army
Of crumbling manequins.
Greetings all! Hmm, interesting day. We had an awesome somosas talk in Bible about who we were versus who we've become and will grow into be, and about relationships and premarital sex, and dating in high school, etc. There were some really insightful things said. It was good.
something that just came to mind is this: i haven't FELT God in a while. idon't know when i last "felt" Him. but i'm doing soooo good. so good. like, thinking about who i was before this year was hard for me to do in Bible because so much of it is so personal and emotional and still tries to grab me sometimes. But before I was so full of fear and envy and self-hate and guilt. and like, i've been praying for so long that i'd be free from all those things that lock me in those cages, and i haven't seen any drastic changes, but the minor ones are worth praising Jesus for! but yah, and i've been sitting here going "ok... i haven't really specifically HEARD from the Lord in a while or felt His presence strongly..." but i still get the sense that we're just jogging along together, enjoying the view. and that's cool! but at the same time i'm not really sure if life is just good and i'm not compeltely pressing into Christ, or if life is good because we're just enjoying each other. does that make any sense? i still have such such such a deep passion to know the Lord so much more and just to go deeper and to have big dreams and visions and to have experiences with Him and share Him with other people. It just sort of seems like some of the hype is gone. which is good? or maybe not? lol, i'm no spiritual guru. but it's more like, do you ever go to worship or youth events and just get SOOO "high" on Christ and things are so awesome, but you go home and you're physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted? i sure have before! and it doesn't really seem right. like, i'm all for meeting Jesus through song and dance and utter surrenderings and all, but it's like we work sooo hard to get soooo enthused in the church during that revival time but then go home and start getting doubts and frustrations because that same hype isn't there. i'm certainly not saying i've reached a stage in my God journey where i'm beyond the fickleness of feelings and the abstract emotions, but now things are just SO PEACEFUL. SOOO PEACEFUL. and it's just so grood! great and good! i just want to take in so much of the Spirit and bless people soo much. Like, get lost in helping others. that's where we'll find Jesus! i've certainly spent enough time judging others or being afraid of "sinners" and separating myself from those who are "bad influences on me". it's just so bull. i mean, i won't put myself in a situation where i have a strong weakness and will very easily fall into sin, but the heart of Christ seems to be at the heart of people. all people. every person. those lesbians in the mall. that ungrateful druggie by the 7-11. the ruthless money lenders. the unrepentant and the repentant. those made righteous by His blood adn those who slander His name. hey, we all are the same. sinners. sometimes i look at "unfortunate" people and try to put a face to them...like the fact that they may be a prostitute because they were nurtured poorly and were kicked out of the house, or they're forced to live on the streets because they lost all their money and no one would take them in. some of them for sure are, in the world's sense, dealt a poor hand. but we are nothing better. Jesus... you are closer to the hell-bound adulterer than you are to me because I am too proud to associate with him. please, i'm so sorry... help me never... never never ever to judge again. show me where you are, where your heart is, and let me live in that space. Let this Christmas be one of utter humility and generosity and love... and then let Christmas last all year round.
something that just came to mind is this: i haven't FELT God in a while. idon't know when i last "felt" Him. but i'm doing soooo good. so good. like, thinking about who i was before this year was hard for me to do in Bible because so much of it is so personal and emotional and still tries to grab me sometimes. But before I was so full of fear and envy and self-hate and guilt. and like, i've been praying for so long that i'd be free from all those things that lock me in those cages, and i haven't seen any drastic changes, but the minor ones are worth praising Jesus for! but yah, and i've been sitting here going "ok... i haven't really specifically HEARD from the Lord in a while or felt His presence strongly..." but i still get the sense that we're just jogging along together, enjoying the view. and that's cool! but at the same time i'm not really sure if life is just good and i'm not compeltely pressing into Christ, or if life is good because we're just enjoying each other. does that make any sense? i still have such such such a deep passion to know the Lord so much more and just to go deeper and to have big dreams and visions and to have experiences with Him and share Him with other people. It just sort of seems like some of the hype is gone. which is good? or maybe not? lol, i'm no spiritual guru. but it's more like, do you ever go to worship or youth events and just get SOOO "high" on Christ and things are so awesome, but you go home and you're physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted? i sure have before! and it doesn't really seem right. like, i'm all for meeting Jesus through song and dance and utter surrenderings and all, but it's like we work sooo hard to get soooo enthused in the church during that revival time but then go home and start getting doubts and frustrations because that same hype isn't there. i'm certainly not saying i've reached a stage in my God journey where i'm beyond the fickleness of feelings and the abstract emotions, but now things are just SO PEACEFUL. SOOO PEACEFUL. and it's just so grood! great and good! i just want to take in so much of the Spirit and bless people soo much. Like, get lost in helping others. that's where we'll find Jesus! i've certainly spent enough time judging others or being afraid of "sinners" and separating myself from those who are "bad influences on me". it's just so bull. i mean, i won't put myself in a situation where i have a strong weakness and will very easily fall into sin, but the heart of Christ seems to be at the heart of people. all people. every person. those lesbians in the mall. that ungrateful druggie by the 7-11. the ruthless money lenders. the unrepentant and the repentant. those made righteous by His blood adn those who slander His name. hey, we all are the same. sinners. sometimes i look at "unfortunate" people and try to put a face to them...like the fact that they may be a prostitute because they were nurtured poorly and were kicked out of the house, or they're forced to live on the streets because they lost all their money and no one would take them in. some of them for sure are, in the world's sense, dealt a poor hand. but we are nothing better. Jesus... you are closer to the hell-bound adulterer than you are to me because I am too proud to associate with him. please, i'm so sorry... help me never... never never ever to judge again. show me where you are, where your heart is, and let me live in that space. Let this Christmas be one of utter humility and generosity and love... and then let Christmas last all year round.
Sunday, December 07, 2003
Hey guys! You know, i think i need a crash course in blogging 101 because I simply cannot figure out how to figure out this figure out how to this out figure what this figure how out! is that how you spell figure? I think i've overspelled it and now it looks funny.
something the Lord's been once again drilling into my head: If at first I don't succeed, pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray again. but seriously, the power of prayer has totally been revealed to me recently! and just things that I thought were "little" too! I just spend an amazing night with my elementary school bestest friend and whereas we've changed and discovered new things, it was just like old times! it seems so cliche, but we sat around laughing at the past, trying to courageously discuss the future, and renew promises to stay in touch. but she left and I went up to the barn (it's pretty much a tabernacle for me... so God-filled) and prayed for her and for me to remain close to her and all. Like, my heart just cries out for her to come to know the Lord and I want to totally be a part of that. and so many other prayers answered as well... i've been thinking alot recently about "living for the moment" and how I can do that and what exactly that is. I think God's showing me that so much of it is just lots of prayer and then jumping at every single single every every every single opportunity! Nehemiah... wow, good book. read it. but the first chapter has Nehemiah as a servant in a pagan king's household. nehemiah's heart is broken because he's realized the state Jerusalem is in. the king notices his distress and calls Nee (let's call him Nee :) ) to him to talk about what the problem is. Nee was put on the spot but recognized that the king could help him get back to Jerusalem to fix up that wall. So when he's summoned, Nee quickly sends up a prayer and then jumps at the chance to put his faith in action. and what happened? well, you should read it for yourself, but it's pretty amazing stuff!
hmm, another thing that's been forefront in my soul has been the desire for pure, honest community. like, i have friends, but none of them KNOW me. like really really KNOW me. and part of that is my fears and distrust, but i don't think i really KNOW anyone either! maybe certain aspects of others and maybe some deep things, but it's become so comfortable and easier to stay surface with everyone. it's all so fake. it's all meaningless! Mr. Kennedy talked to us on Thursday in Bible about community as well, and if you've ever been though one of his more emotional lectures, you'll understand what i mean when i say i was so passionate and frustrated, encouraged and discouraged, and ready to break into tears at any moment. my thoughts are, why do we even live with other people if we're gonna push them away our whole ives? why is it that our relationship with the Lord has become so personal that it's completely impersonal? ouch. that's so big. there's definately an intimacy with Jesus that is sacred in a one-on-one relationship kind of way, but where is the brokenness and the openness and the support and the accountability? I see it no where around me. and there's an emptiness. then we went to FIA that night (there's like 10 of us from Bible class that go to FIA) and had an amazing time in our small groups. I didn't hear from the grade 11s, but the girls and guys in grade 12 just had such a blessed evening, and it was only a TASTE of true community. craziness. there's something inside of me that longs to be explored and discovered. i LOVE it when people ask me questions. why? because they take away with them something that is part of me. It's like unwrapping a gift. Merry Christmas everyone! here i am... let's get to KNOW each other.
"These people come near to Me with their mouth and honour Me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship is made up only of rules taught by men. THerefore once more I will astound these people with wonder upon wonder; the wisdom of the wise will perish, the intelligence of the intelligent with vanish."
May the grace of our Lord be with you now and always!
something the Lord's been once again drilling into my head: If at first I don't succeed, pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray again. but seriously, the power of prayer has totally been revealed to me recently! and just things that I thought were "little" too! I just spend an amazing night with my elementary school bestest friend and whereas we've changed and discovered new things, it was just like old times! it seems so cliche, but we sat around laughing at the past, trying to courageously discuss the future, and renew promises to stay in touch. but she left and I went up to the barn (it's pretty much a tabernacle for me... so God-filled) and prayed for her and for me to remain close to her and all. Like, my heart just cries out for her to come to know the Lord and I want to totally be a part of that. and so many other prayers answered as well... i've been thinking alot recently about "living for the moment" and how I can do that and what exactly that is. I think God's showing me that so much of it is just lots of prayer and then jumping at every single single every every every single opportunity! Nehemiah... wow, good book. read it. but the first chapter has Nehemiah as a servant in a pagan king's household. nehemiah's heart is broken because he's realized the state Jerusalem is in. the king notices his distress and calls Nee (let's call him Nee :) ) to him to talk about what the problem is. Nee was put on the spot but recognized that the king could help him get back to Jerusalem to fix up that wall. So when he's summoned, Nee quickly sends up a prayer and then jumps at the chance to put his faith in action. and what happened? well, you should read it for yourself, but it's pretty amazing stuff!
hmm, another thing that's been forefront in my soul has been the desire for pure, honest community. like, i have friends, but none of them KNOW me. like really really KNOW me. and part of that is my fears and distrust, but i don't think i really KNOW anyone either! maybe certain aspects of others and maybe some deep things, but it's become so comfortable and easier to stay surface with everyone. it's all so fake. it's all meaningless! Mr. Kennedy talked to us on Thursday in Bible about community as well, and if you've ever been though one of his more emotional lectures, you'll understand what i mean when i say i was so passionate and frustrated, encouraged and discouraged, and ready to break into tears at any moment. my thoughts are, why do we even live with other people if we're gonna push them away our whole ives? why is it that our relationship with the Lord has become so personal that it's completely impersonal? ouch. that's so big. there's definately an intimacy with Jesus that is sacred in a one-on-one relationship kind of way, but where is the brokenness and the openness and the support and the accountability? I see it no where around me. and there's an emptiness. then we went to FIA that night (there's like 10 of us from Bible class that go to FIA) and had an amazing time in our small groups. I didn't hear from the grade 11s, but the girls and guys in grade 12 just had such a blessed evening, and it was only a TASTE of true community. craziness. there's something inside of me that longs to be explored and discovered. i LOVE it when people ask me questions. why? because they take away with them something that is part of me. It's like unwrapping a gift. Merry Christmas everyone! here i am... let's get to KNOW each other.
"These people come near to Me with their mouth and honour Me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship is made up only of rules taught by men. THerefore once more I will astound these people with wonder upon wonder; the wisdom of the wise will perish, the intelligence of the intelligent with vanish."
May the grace of our Lord be with you now and always!
Sunday, November 30, 2003
Hey guys! wow, it's been a while since I was on here. I've been thinking alot about my "future" and "what I'm gonna do with my life" as well as "career options". lol, i'm not sure why exactly I put those in quotations. :) but maybe it's because I don't really take those phrases super seriously. We listened to this song in English the other day and we were supposed to analyze it. When I first heard it, it totally reminded me of like my future and all the things I want to do, but then how the fears and risks and other people's views on my dreams sorta trap me. Here are the lyrics:
Let me fall
Let me climb
There's a moment when fear
And dreams must collide
Someone I am
Is waiting for courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me
So let me fall
If I must fall
I won't heed your warnings
I won't hear them
Let me fall
If I fall
Though the phoenix may
Or may not rise
I will dance so freely
Holding on to no one
You can hold me only
If you too will fall
Away from all these
Useless fears and chains
Someone I am
Is waiting for my courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me
So let me fall
If I must fall
I won't heed your warnings
I won't hear
Let me fall
If I fall
There's no reason
To miss this one chance
This perfect moment
Just let me fall
And it's not like super deep, but I think that this is the time in my life when I really need to break away, but in a good way. My relationship with my rents has totally been blessed in the past 6 months or so and we've grown so much closer. it's awesome because I know that this time next year I may not be living at home and so i want to enjoy all the time I have with them. but then again, the closer I get to them the less rebellious I am towards them and the more respect I have for their decisions and hopes for me. awesome, right? yes! BUT... I think recently I've been waiting for them to kinda push me in the right direction. I have all these wonderfully amazing options in front of me but when I present them to my rents, they kinda smile and nod and encourage me to keep looking into it. Where once I would have balked and sneered at THEIR thoughts regarding MY future, I've felt almost hurt, and sorta like a floundering fish. Ha ha, ok, here's a good picture. My horse, Billie, always tries to sneak outside of the gate when it's opened and then go running around the property, eating grass and carousing with the neighbours' horses. But sometimes he'll get out when I'm at school and then spend all day running in circles around the paddock trying to get back in because the gate has closed itself behind him. He doesn't realize he's free and while it makes it easier for me to catch him, it looks quite pathetic and hilarious. I think the worst thing I could do is not do anything. Like, the Lord has put so many visions and dreams and desires in me, especially regarding options for the years after high school, and if i were to sit here stressing and being so undecisive that i choose to do nothing, that would be the biggest waste ever. so i think i'm just gonna jump into something, pray about it, and then see where He leads. someone once told me that GOd likes to steer a moving vessel. You've gotta trust Him by leaving the dock, and know that if you're headed in the wrong direction, He'll flip that rudder around and have you moving where He wants you. hm... pretty sweet stuff. This God of ours, He just keeps getting more and more amazing, hey? :)
PS. that song "Let me fall" by Josh Groban is really about Cirque de Soleil... i was kinda disappointed :)
Let me fall
Let me climb
There's a moment when fear
And dreams must collide
Someone I am
Is waiting for courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me
So let me fall
If I must fall
I won't heed your warnings
I won't hear them
Let me fall
If I fall
Though the phoenix may
Or may not rise
I will dance so freely
Holding on to no one
You can hold me only
If you too will fall
Away from all these
Useless fears and chains
Someone I am
Is waiting for my courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me
So let me fall
If I must fall
I won't heed your warnings
I won't hear
Let me fall
If I fall
There's no reason
To miss this one chance
This perfect moment
Just let me fall
And it's not like super deep, but I think that this is the time in my life when I really need to break away, but in a good way. My relationship with my rents has totally been blessed in the past 6 months or so and we've grown so much closer. it's awesome because I know that this time next year I may not be living at home and so i want to enjoy all the time I have with them. but then again, the closer I get to them the less rebellious I am towards them and the more respect I have for their decisions and hopes for me. awesome, right? yes! BUT... I think recently I've been waiting for them to kinda push me in the right direction. I have all these wonderfully amazing options in front of me but when I present them to my rents, they kinda smile and nod and encourage me to keep looking into it. Where once I would have balked and sneered at THEIR thoughts regarding MY future, I've felt almost hurt, and sorta like a floundering fish. Ha ha, ok, here's a good picture. My horse, Billie, always tries to sneak outside of the gate when it's opened and then go running around the property, eating grass and carousing with the neighbours' horses. But sometimes he'll get out when I'm at school and then spend all day running in circles around the paddock trying to get back in because the gate has closed itself behind him. He doesn't realize he's free and while it makes it easier for me to catch him, it looks quite pathetic and hilarious. I think the worst thing I could do is not do anything. Like, the Lord has put so many visions and dreams and desires in me, especially regarding options for the years after high school, and if i were to sit here stressing and being so undecisive that i choose to do nothing, that would be the biggest waste ever. so i think i'm just gonna jump into something, pray about it, and then see where He leads. someone once told me that GOd likes to steer a moving vessel. You've gotta trust Him by leaving the dock, and know that if you're headed in the wrong direction, He'll flip that rudder around and have you moving where He wants you. hm... pretty sweet stuff. This God of ours, He just keeps getting more and more amazing, hey? :)
PS. that song "Let me fall" by Josh Groban is really about Cirque de Soleil... i was kinda disappointed :)
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