—What say you, Rogue? Tripping through the rumbles of the night. Cacooned in another’s cloak, displaced of faith, aye, strong in faith! With mortal persistence and shallow perception have you now come? Seek freedom’s window, delayer of soiled garments. Release the sound of waiting; its chasms of transparent harmonies. Address thy soul and the stalker of thine heart. Dismiss all darkened footholds to collapse into ecstatic benevolence.—

I write.

I write before I realize there is a pen in my hand. Before I yank up the blinds or eat my breakfast, I write. As the clock's hands change from seven to eight to nine--oh gosh, I'm late!--I write.

Because he strolled so deliberately across the road with shadows in his eyes, I write. For who would tell his story? Surely not I, for we have never met. But he screams to be known! And so I write.

Beacuse the plump finch springs lightly on the lawn, I write, for she cannot.

Because there are pages and pages to fill and thoughts and words and laughter and emotion and expression and frustration and ugliness and humanity. Because we are, I write. Because there is and there was and there will be, I write.

And so I write. And so I always will, as long as there is time, I will write. As long as there are seasons and naked trees and clothed trees and the smells of the damp earth and the noises of the rivers... I will write. And even when these fade I will write, of what they were and how they change and what now I will write of instead. For as long as there is life there is inspiration and as long as there is inspiration will be canvases to fill and pages to flood and song to compose.

So may you take your inspiration and do what you do. Dance. Paint. Play. Create. Explore. Today is alive--that is all we can know. Tomorrow may slink up as darkness, so find in your imagination and reality the ideals and impossibilities of your dreams and let them meander out of your soul and watch them explode into sprints. And then do the same thing tomorrow. And then again. And over and over until you realize that you can never return to any sort of mediocrity. Allow yourself to become pregnant with uncontainable possibility and, for the love of it all, spill over.

I feel like I have no words to express what my heart is bursting with right now... but I'll try.

I have never in my life faced such a long time of question and confusion, where I resented all that I said I believed and fell into a place of wanting to be free from this Christ. I wanted out. I felt lied to and deceived by the thing I had clung to the most in my life. I was so hurt and frightened. And was clearly being sucked in by lies and facing Satan's oppression.

I can't say that I've achieved enlightenment now (or whatever it may be), but I have been chased and caught, and it feels so great! Guilt is EVIL. Shame is NOT from God! It never will be! We are so afraid of turning back to Him because the devil has whispered to us that the Lord is angry, or worse, disappointed in us. That He is pulling the plug on our blessings because we failed. That He is revoking the gifts He gave us. That He will punish us. Or that He will remove His presence from us. NO NO NO, this is WRONG! HE ADORES YOU! and ME! He looks at us in our most F-ed up situations and picks us up oh so gently in those moments. He. wants. to. free. us. Satan wants to destroy us! If we opened our tear-swollen eyes and looked up we would see that God is standing over us, fighting for us, breaking the arrows of the enemy in mid-flight. He. is. fighting. for. us. period.

Go. Go to Him and worship, no matter what state you are in. Proclaim His goodness. No "buts!" Stand up and tear off the layers of guilt, shame, lies, deceit, fear, anxiety... tear them off like clothes. Stand naked before Jesus and watch as He walks to you with a gorgeous purple robe to re-dress you in. Stand and be healed, for He already looks at you as clean and pure. Accept it! Why would you want to continue to stand in the hopelessness of life? Please, go and be free. Go and be healed and know that you are so dearly dearly loved.

Early this morning--like early early... maybe 2:30 or so--I was just settling in to bed after a rowdy night of fun new year's action. As I turned over to grab my bible, I remember thinking about some of the past conversations that I have had with friends, just sorting through my heart and all the questions that I have come upon. I have been reading in John, but last night I wanting something a bit different. Here's how the conversation went (one that, I'll admit, seems like I had with myself, but it could definitely have been God... I really never can recognize His voice because it sounds a lot like, well, mine.)

Janelle: Hmm, where should I read? I want some good ol' truth.
God(?) : Does it matter? Isn't the entire Bible truth?
Janelle: Uhh... yes.
God: Do you trust me?
Janelle: Uhh... yes.
God: Read Chronicles. 16. 2nd Chronicles 16.
Janelle: Uhh... ok.

So I read it. And FRICK it was just what I needed. JUST what I needed. The thing that struck me the most was verse 9: "For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him."

I long to be found as one who is fully committed to the Lord. Despite my doubts, and lack of faith and insecurities in Christ, I want to be found undivided in my committment to Him. The eyes of the Lord wander to and fro, looking for the faithful. And when they are found He gives them strength. I think I need to toss aside my intellect and spend a season chasing Jesus in blind faith. That has a negative connotation to it, but... where is my child-like devotion? My unhindered faith. I have let the reason, intellect, and critical thought of this world--all aspects which have their time and place, even in the faith--crush the simplicity of belief. May it never be so again.

It's like the whole world is waiting for something big to happen. We all line up, hoping to catch a glimpse of, well, anything. Something to make us chuckle and something to make us weep. Something to help us remember and something to let us forget. Something to tell us we are doing just fine an something to reveal that we have been doing it wrong all along. Some of us want calculated rationale and some of us want experiential mysticism.

They forgot to tell us that this isn' t the circus or a freak show. There are no bearded women or lions jumping through rings of fire or midgets on the trapeze. We are sitting in the wrong seats, hoping to shriek in terror and squeal with delight. We do not want entertainment--we want chaos. Insanity in our days in order to stifle the piercing quiet in our souls. We want to run life at breakneck speed in order to prove to the others careening about that we have accomplished something. Something important. We do not cast off the disorder, why? Because we are afraid of what we will encounter in the clarity. We refuse to stop muttering or to turn off the music, or to unplug the computer and TV because the silence is screaming for survival and we dread its gasping connotations.

For what is there in the nothingness of the wind's taunts? What man-made deception has removed the taste of damp earth from our feet, forcing us to distance our extremities from the elements? And why do we curse the elements so, buttoning up when in frost, and delayering when under sun-glare?

I feel awful. Awfully comfortable. Oddly secure, yet fretfully ill at ease.

Who is God, my Creator? Why have I cheaped His favour? To whom shall I belong?

Who am I? Who is she?
What's behind Is she more than the
my eyes? Shame in her eyes?
I painted The fear that
A self-portrait Keeps her hiding.
See, it's hanging The rotting stench
in my room In her soul
A secret room. A life of lies
I've pulled it down And mishapened truths
(Did I let it be ripped down?) Have distorted her view
Here it lays, shattered Cross-eyed
Pieces. Pieces. Pieces... With selective hearing
Not of me! But of a She sews her broken pieces
Beautiful brokenness Together with empty words
Who shall reconstruct And pointing fingers
The contours of my soul When will she remove
And patterns of my identity The No Tresspassing Sign
In my heart? From her heart?

I feel a frozen waterfall
At least it still hurts
'Cuz the damage of standing in front
Of a mirror
Seeing the gaping, bleeding hole
In my Chest
Yet feeling no pain
Scars more than the
Soul-wrenching
Agony of distress
You said I showed
Frozen emotion
Like a winter waterfall
You wanted to
Increase the volume
Of my muted screams
To thaw this passive numbness
Pathetically apathetic...
Don't say you didn't know him
I recognize in those eyes
Destroyed from the inside

My future...

Seriously, I have such a love-hate relationship with that concept. Part of my is like, "wohoo, my future! I am going to travel and see things and have random adventures and get married and have more adventures!" The other part of me goes, "Dang. I am so not going anywhere in life right now."So you can understand my obvious dilemma.

Right now, Trinity is awesome. I really am feeling connected, and I love learning and hanging out with friends, so this environment is perfect. All aspects of my life--emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally--are definitely enjoying the journey. Yet I am really uncertain about what comes next. I got a four-year academic scholarship, but I was almost reluctant to take it because I felt like I was signing away the next four years of my life. After thinking and discussing it with my dad (he's my hero) I realized that there is no pressure to do all my studies at Trinity, and that if I feel like I would want a year or semester off, that is not really an issue either.

Then I had an epiphany. I do not think it is so much that I am not wanting to start and finish my university major in four consecutive years, but that I have a blatant fear of committment.

Yep, I'm freaked. I love having countless options before me to toss around. The problem comes when I have to make a (potentially life-changing) decision after reviewing all my choices. I think I am afraid that if i choose wrong, then that's it, I've blown it. I also don't know what I am actually good at, and that thing being something that I also really enjoy doing. So in that sense, I fear that if I choose something and commit to it then I have limited myself and closed doors. But I think the deepest issue here is that I'm afraid that, say I choose something and put my whole heart into it, what happens if I fail? What happens if the thing that I want to do more than anything else in the world is my downfall? I guess that is why, for me, it seems so much easier to have a slew of options and to do a plethora of things mediocre. That way, if I do not succeed at one of those things, I can shrug it off easier and know that it's okay because I didn't try my very hardest.

It seems like a truly sad concept to me.

So, okay, now I've recognized my fears, but the realization has not pushed me any closer to discovering what I want to do with my life or who I want to be. Maybe I'll just do one semester at TWU and then travel or work. Or maybe I'll take a year off in between years. Or maybe I'll transfer to a community college or an international school. The maybe's aren't very reassuring.

I think perhaps what I really want is for someone to sit me down and say, "Look, Janelle: here are your talents. Here are your weaknesses. I think you would love to do ______." But, I really don't want someone else telling me what I should do with my life. Maybe just a little push in the right direction would do it...

Little help?

So there was this time last night when I was like "hey! I should do all my homework on Saturday. That way I'll have a free Sunday and a unstressful Monday!"
So I tried. I really did! I woke up at 8:45 this morning and sat at my computer for THREE HOURS STRAIGHT! I truly did, and I finished a Rels paper.
And then Bekah phoned and Kjer phoned. Yep... and then Kjer came over on the ferry. So we went to Fort Langley and wandered through antique shoppes (you need to spell it with the extra "pe" when you're talking ancient artifacts, people). And we ate lunch at Wendell's and went to a hat store where there (honestly!) were ladies in there buying hats for cocktail parties this weekend! I felt exotic, and like I should be off to the races or something.
Then I came back to my dorm and really thought about my homework! I did! But then it was cooler to go for a hike through the endangered-snail-infested-back-40 to the Town Pantry to buy eggs and oil. Alas, they sold neither, so we bought candy and chips instead.
BUT! then back at Trinity we bought 2 eggs and a small cup of oil with our dinner. And came back to bake some smokin' awesome just-add-eggs-oil-and-water M & M brownies. And then we had to make popcorn too.
And we watched "Bend It Like Beckham" too. which caused us to come back and have a sweet East Indian dance party.
Next we started playing soccer with the leftover balloons from Marie's birthday on Tuesday. And then I remembered that there was still a soccer ball out on the rugby field! so Linoleum (just kidding, it's Linette), Jen, Jess, Lauren and I went out there in the pitch dark. and we got freaked out by this scary white sign, but Jen and Lin and I went pretty close to it.
Next we went to the highway and Jen and I crossed the road. and then lay down on it, like they do in "The Notebook." but that was short lived because lots of cars go zipping down Glover Rd... meanwhile, Jess and Lin were rolling down a hill and Lauren was making sure they didn't fall into the pond (oi, ditch itch!).
There was also this creepy white van and lo and behold, it was unlocked! but we didn't do much there.
we went to the Lower Caf next. and on the heated waiting rack someone's french fries were ready. his name was Vernon. but Vernon wasn't there. So we talked to this English/H-Kin major named Chris who told us the extensive and well-remembered story of Gilgamesh. Poor guy, he faced so many crazy trials in his life, and only succeeded in helping some snake...
Then we stole Vern's fries and booked it. Poor Vernon.
Then we met up with Cameron and Brendan and talked to them in the freezing winter night. It was chilly, it sure was. And we decided to Sac Lauren's Mento. It was a riot!
And that, Professor, is the reason why my new testament papers, my psych assignment, my english reading, and my history studying isn't finished. I'll try again next weekend....

another moment of divinity.
secluded, late at night, and in a room I often pass by, I sat.
i didn't even take a full breath in when Jesus sat in front of me.
and He touched me.
and I am blessed. loved! chosen.
utterly incompetant and frustratingly unfaithful.
but He wants me. me. I could barely breathe now for His face was so close to mine.
i didn't come to pray. not to thank Him or even to talk.
i really didn't even intend to see Him tonight.
and He didn't come to chastise. i don't even remember what He said.
or if He spoke.
but He was there. just... there.
and i wanted--needed--nothing else

For the Lord, our God, He is holy

Living with people can be the most rewarding the most draining experience of your life. There are times when I've laughed so hard at the most ridiculous thing that I felt like I was about to pass out from lack of oxygen to the brain. There are also times when someone cracks out 94.5 The Beat FM and the craziest dance party emerges. And then you start rubbing off on each other. So-and-so from Oregon uses the word "fetus" alot and then, what do ya know, you drop the word casually too, without even meaning it. It's exhilarating, making fun of each other's accents and learning all about the cultural differences in Toronto. And I feel accepted and funny and safe.
But then the quirks and issues arise. Someone makes a self-conscious comment. Another complains about another's habits. It makes me want to scream, "Stop! Let's all go back to week one where we all knew each other's favorite food, silly one-liners, and music genres! Let's just go for group walks where we explore abandoned houses and search for old apples in those stray fields! Let's just snack on sour keys and licorice while watching "Friends" and "Emperor's New Groove" together!"
Man, seriously, those times are so unterrifying.
Maybe I'm afraid of intimacy. Yeah, I probably am. The more I get to know someone the more I realize they are getting to know me, and it honestly can scare the living hell out of me.
I guess it's because I hate not knowing myself, and am concerned that the stunted fragments of me will come out misunderstood or that who I am really is so far from who I want to be. Who I should be. Who I was chosen to be.
I don't trust the Lord as I need to. If I did, if I actually and truly believed that He was Who He says He is, I would have nary a care in the world. I realize when I'm not trusting God, I start to feel like I'm dangling over a ravine on a thin rope. I struggle and squirm and attempt to reach a tree branch or the cliff edge just to gain some sort of feeble control. And knowing me, I probably start getting quite moody, cursing the rocks, the winding river way below, even the very cord that's holding me up. And I'm sure I'm crying by this point too. Then I start getting desperate. I think of all the things I have to offer in order to be placed on safe ground again. I think of all the ways I've messed up and start rambling off hurried and uncontemplated appologies, and praying that I've gathered enough good karma to get me out of this uncomfortable position.
I think the configuration of my life has been tragically marred by a perfectionism that doggedly pursues me, and an inability to exhaustively understand and receive the unadulterated mercy of God Almighty. That I should ever be so proud as to spite His favor and demand that I do it my own, bumbling, pathetic way is devastating. It would be laughable if it wasn't so blatantly appalling.
Ohh... when will I learn?

The Voice of my Beloved!
Through all my heart it thrills,
He leaps upon the mountains,
And skips upon the hills.

For like a roe or young hart,
So swift and strong is He,
He looketh through my window,
And beckoneth unto me.

"Rise up, My love, My fair one,
And come away with Me,
Gone are the snows of winter,
The rains no more we see.

"The flowers are appearing,
The little birds all sing,
The turtle dove is calling,
Through all the land 'tis spring.

"The shoots are on the grapevines,
The figs are on the tree
Arise, My love, My fair one,
And come away with Me.

"Why is My dove still hiding?
When all things else rejoice,
Oh, let Me se thee, fair one,
Oh, let Me hear thy voice".
(Cant. 2:8-14)

I'm not sure what "Cant" is short for... it may be a book in the apocrypha.
Read "Hinds Feet in High Places" by Hannah Hurnard.

When I trod the fields of Eden
Soaking soil 'tween my toes
I forget the cycle of the sun
And that I've shed all clothes
The hungry fingers of the wind
Rub lightly 'cross my face
The freshness of my untanned skin
Shivers as it feels the rain's embrace

I do not see him walking there
His face o'ershadowed by the tree
And I, intriguèd by its fruit
Balk as he falls in step with me

Caught in my shame I make excuse
For drinking up deceit and lies
I pause for breath and seek his glance
A sigh, and tears slip from his eyes

Stunned am I to see his grief
For in my apathy and pride
I am expecting words of grace
But he has turned his face aside

I'm sick to see the pain I've wrought
On man I've named my dearest friend
That I can merely weep and plead
For love once more to make its mend

For ne'er before exists such love
Whose depth can turn the lock of fear
And beckons forth with deep desire
Arise, my Dove, your place is here

-Janelle Kristine, June 5th-

For this I must appologize to Ben Harper (and Jack Johnson), but when I first heard the song it totally seemed like it was someone singin' about Jesus. So the word "sun" has been changed to "Son", but otherwise it's word for word. And it's me.

I know you may not want to see me
On your way down from the clouds
Would you hear me if I told you
That my heart is with you now

She's only happy in the Son
She's only happy in the Son

Did you find what you were after?
The pain and the laughter brought you to your knees
But if the Son sets you free, sets you free
You'll be free indeed

She's only happy in the Son
She's only happy in the Son

Every time I hear you laughing,
Hear you laughing,
It makes me cry
Like the story of life, of your life
Is hello, goodbye

She's only happy in the Son
She's only happy in the Son

The sun shines

and leaves blow

and my hope like autumn

is turning brown.

And I know it seems like

I'm always falling down.

But it does not matter to me although it seems like it should.

It's because I know I'm understood when I hear Him say

"Rest in me, little David and dry all your tears, you can lay down your armor

And have no fear cause I'm always here

When you're tired of running, and I'm all the strength that you need"

It's up hill

both ways,

tomorrow I swear

I won't act this way.

And I know it seems like

that is what I always say.

But it does not matter to me although it seems like it should.

It's because I know I'm understood when I hear Him say

"Rest in me, little David and dry all your tears, you can lay down your armor

And have no fear cause I'm always here

When you're tired of running, cause I'm all the strength that you need.

"You know I want to be like Jesus,

but it seems so very far away,

and when will I learn to obey, obey?

I fear that i have become a hider. That i've been manipulating conversations so that I never have to admit how i'm really feeling. And that instead of clinging to those who have known my struggles, I've been skirting around their presence and fleeing from contact and conversation that might lead to the revelation of my soul. and the One who knows me most intimately--I've allowed myself to live under a cloak of shame and walk only in the shadowy outskirts of his throneroom. no wonder i'm suffering so!

"I need a miracle, someone to help me help myself..."

Some times I would fight against the norm. Occasionally I'd forget my loathings of mediocrity and would have to start fighting all over again.

So things have been sorta back to our "norm" (if we can even call it that) this week. Classes 8-12 Monday to Wednesday this week, final spanish exam wednesday. tonight is our talent show at this cafe in antigua as well as my friend's birthday dinner. tomorrow we have service (my group is helping on this farm in a few cities over) after spanish and some easter entertainment night tomorrow night. wednesday in the afternoon is cultural day, learning about the way they do easter down here. Wednesday night MIGHT be free (please!). Thursday we are making these sawdust carpets in the streets for 5 hours and then I have PMG (Peer Mentoring Group) and then i'm leading worship after supper. Friday is the huge processional day in ANtigua and I also have a one-on-one with my mentor. I am tired just thinking about all of it! this past week was really draining, so i'm losing my momentum, and my focus too, i think. and being tired has left me open to so much attack. but the vulnerability has drawn me in closer to Jesus. I wanna praise a little louder than before... I wanna lift my hands higher than before... I wanna dance a little longer than before. Jesus! all for Jesus...

I'm beginning to feel worn out. maybe i just need more sleep. maybe they're just packing tons into the weeks. but i've felt like i've been missing the movements of God that have been happening in the group. I don't feel gyped so much as i am scared that i've left God hanging. I keep sitting down to make things right, but just walking away feeling unfulfilled. maybe being fulfilled shouldn't be my ultimate goal. no, no of course it shouldn't! I want all of me dead! More than anything! I'm not going to try to cram 2 spirits into my being. All of me MUST go! I can't pursue Him and chase my own worldliness also! How can i surrender more and more? What walls must be destroyed? i can't even really see them anymore, but i think i'm standing SO close to them that I just haven't recognized them. it's time for some good clean-up and ... I don't know. Fresh wind. Rain... so many of the things that people have been "randomly" saying and that i've been "coincidentally" reading has mentioned rain. and wow, rain... I don't know, but maybe it's not even the gentle, refreshing rain i need. maybe it's the pounding, screaming, cleansing, flood-gates rain. pray for rain. for showers and showers of mighty rain!

Let there be an awakening.

Howdily doodily fine neighbours!
Last you heard I was in Livingston, no? Yes, i believe so. Soooooo the next day we went to this awesome white sandy beach and walked up this river with all these little waterfalls and then to a larger one where we "cliff jumped." It wasn't big, but it was fun :) and the river water was WARM! how crazy is that? It was sort of cloudy that day, but we still swam in the Caribbean and lay on the beach.
The next day we were up super duper early for our snorkelling excursion! wohoo! It was a private tour (just like the day before) and our boat ride was an hour and a half into the heart of Belizan waters. SO blue and pretty! One of the beaches we landed on was COVERED in those huge conch shells. You literally could have taken them home by the dozens. So lots of tanning (through the clouds :)) and some shell searching (ooh, say that 12 times fast!) While we were snorkelling I felt something in my snorkelling bootie bite me and it HURT SO bad. I came up freaking out and yelling. I pulled off my boot (it wasn't a flipper) and looked at my toe, but I saw no blood or entry mark of any sort, so I shrugged it off as maybe a psycho big prickle or something. But then my foot started to feel numb, so I swam back to the boat and looked inside my boot only to find...
a SCORPION! more freaking out. but not really. I told the rest of the gang and held the boot closed at a distance. Our guide dumped him out and threw many rocks at him. so he's now dead. But I, my friends, am a-ok! my whole foot was numb for 24 hours, but no other symptoms at all. praise the Lord!
The next day we headed back to Jocotenango. We all met at the APPE Spanish school as we do every sunday in Antigua for Domino's. Very good meat lovers pizza and i usually hate meat lovers. mmm!
Monday and yesterday we had Spanish classes. Yesterday for the 2nd half of Spanish our teacher took our group (me, Geoff, Xena, Ben) to this small town called San Philipe to see some of the Semana Santa prep they've got going at the church there. It's really neat all that they do. A lot of the focus is on Christ's death, so all Thursday night no Guatemalteca sleeps because they are up all night making sawdust carpets with pictures of Jesus, flowers, trees, etc that are like 30 feet long in the streets. Then on Friday there are processionals from 6 am to 1 am the next day! The carpets get destroyed, obviously, from the parades, but it's such a huge thing for them to do all that work. Then Sunday is just sort of a nothing/clean-up day.
Next Thursday our site and site 2 are gonna make our own sawdust rug in Antigua! 10 meters long and about 3-4 meters wide. Our SPanish teachers are helping us, which is good, because it's all new to us!
Today was a culture day. We headed into Guatemala City at 7:30 am and went to a museum of ancient artifacts (think of the movie "Ice Age" and everything is so much funnier in the museum :) I swear that movie modelled its characters after the ancient Mayans during their cold times). It was neat! then we went to a HUGE cemetery... The people are all "buried" in very high cement walls that have square doors that are like 2 feet square. the remains are slid in. Apparently that cemetery is a huge make-out spot (I mean, come on, what could be more romantic than acres of smelly old, elaborate tombs??). Some of the richer families buy their own plot of land with their own huge block that is carved with pictures and painted and all fancy. Then the whole family can be "buried" together. And that way gangs don't steal the remains (apparently that happens lots too from the poorer sections of the "walls"). Anyway, that was really interesting.
Speaking of smelly, the cemetery backs up to the Guatemalan City Dump, which is 24 football fields big. We looked down over to it and it was super sad. There was one or 2 excavators in there trying to push the garbage around, but also tons of people scrounging around for anything salvageable. The wind blew dirt and garbage into our eyes and the "houses" that surrounded the place were horrific.
After lunch we headed to this ministry center right at the Dump called The Potter's House. There we learned that 10,500 people LIVE and work at the Dump and 6,400 of those are children. The average family income is $24 Canadian a month for a family of 8-9. We saw the dining room and the school and learned about the programs that The Potter's House runs. We were going to be able to go down into the Dump to hand out sandwhiches, but in January there was a huge fire, and since then the government has taken quite the control of the Dump and set up new regulations (such as, no one in the Dump without a working permit). So we just watched from a distance. If any of you are interested in the programs (there are 5 and all super neat) that The Potter's House runs, check out www.pottershouse.org.gt.
After that we went to Tikal Futura, the biggest mall in Guatemala City. Quite the extreme after the Dump. We didn't really do that much there... some people bought a few things, and there was a huge food court with American food, so we ate there. But that's about it. And here I am now! Tomorrow it's back to Spanish class. In the evening we have worship, but we also are having a big community discussion. I think the leaders are feeling upset with the group and many of us have expressed the desire to just get home asap. There's a real lack of good relationships and trust going on, and a lot of lost focus. So that's something I've been praying about. Hopefully after tomorrow night things will be cleared up a bit more. But yeah, so that's the scoop! I miss you all, and no, as much as I love you guys, I don't want to come home yet. :) Maybe when it gets a little closer to mid April I will, but for now, I'm loving it. Feelin' the community strain, but still having a blast. Thanks for all your prayers! Be so blessed...

Hey! Ok, ok, i know that its been entirely too long since ive been on here, but after 2 1/2 weeks, im back!
Lets see... On the 21st we left for Columba, which is the guerilla capital of Guatemala! I thought that was pretty neat. we didnt see any though. We stayed at this massive finca (means farm) run by this man named Antonio. There he grew coffee, bred race horses, has a worm farm, and has tons of greenhouses and land full of plants etc that he sells to the states. We had a tour and the place is HUGE! its like the old feudal system in that he has dozens of workers that live in houses right on his property that hes in charge of. anyway, for us (and site 2) it was a spiritual retreat. it was awesome to have all of us girls, plus all site 2 girls (so 30 in total) sleeping in the same room again! we were like that at Camp Adullam at the beginning, and its super fun. for most people. i like it. but yeah, Blayne Greiner, one of our first semester speakers, and his wife Betty, were there for the week also. So we had a couple short sessions with him. Other than that our sites meant separately each morn and then we would all go off on our own to learn more about ourselves. it was cool, but i have to admit, i had pretty high and idealistic expectations for the week. I did learn some things about me, but nothing spectacularly huge. i loved it though. lots of free time and praying time and just relaxing by the pool time. oh! haha, they had tiendas (like mini corner stores) all over the place and none of them around there had chocolate, but i guess the got the hint that we all were in dire need because they soon informed us that they had ordered a bunch for us. we bought them out in 4 hours. so they had to get much more. it was funny :)

We hiked up to this awesome waterfall in the rainforest after a 2 hour ride crammed with 11 others in the back of a pick up. there were 5 trucks in total and the roads were nuts and windey and we kept stalling, but it was awesome. the waterfall was SWEET and super fun :)

2 weeks back we had Spanish again, except it was in the afternoons from 2-6, which definitely isnt my fave time to have school. but it went well. next week we are back to the regular 8-12 morning classes, so that means i can hang out in antigua all afternoon again :)

there is this place in Antigua called The Cross On The Hill which over looks the whole city and we went there with Blayne last week. it was foggy so the view was not the best, but we got some sweet pics of the group and had worship.

And then last week we left for our Travel Week! We started off by driving for 9 hours up to Ixabel (Ish-a-bell) where we stayed at this finca that has rescued monkeys and macaws! super neat. and we slept in hammocks! yes! so awesome! Excep its actually pretty hard to sleep in those things when you are insanely tall. oh, and they had a bar that played music until (no joke) 5 in the morning! and we had to be up at 7. So i would randomly wake up to Jack Johnson and (get this Grad 2004:) Black Knight! You know, that East Indian music that Nina always plays and is on our grad CD. you have NO idea how excited I was to hear it, but it was after 2 am, so my joy was slightly stifled, and couldnt be shared with the group until the next morning. haha!

The next day we hiked through some fields and forest to reach this cave! We wandered around in there a bit. We waded through some water and had to use candles and flashlights to see things. Not much to see except bat poo, but it was very Indiana Jones at the same time. I jumped onto a rock and posed like Gollum from LOTRs. Oh! speaking of pictures, im pretty sure that the Outtatown website is updated with Guate stuff. http://www.outtatown.com/04site1/ so you can check it out if you want :)

The day we drove to Yaxha (Yuck-Shaw) which is in the jungle and we slept in tree houses! It was right on this lake, but we didnt swim because there are crocodiles in there! Travel week we had Gareth Goossen, another speaker from semester one, come with us. he did worship under the stars that night. i love being outside! it was amazing. some people heard the howler monkeys in the middle of the night. i didnt and was a bit disappointed, but the next morning we woke early and trekked into the jungle, stopped a bit at some ancient Mayan ruins, and then went off the beaten trail to find howler monkeys! all you do is follow their cries! And they were right above us! We also saw spider monkeys! Seriously, some of the things I saw during Travel Week have BLOWN my mind!!! We took lots of pictures and even swung on some vines! ahh, the life of Tarzan. muy bien. that day we drove to Tikal and saw the huge Mayan ruins! Its ginormous all the things in there! Me, Karis, Katie, Dee, Geoff, and Xena stuck together and climbed more stairs than ive ever seen in my life. and took many pictures. and loved it! One of the Temples, Temple IV, was where part of Star Wars was filmed! I think in Return of the Jedi, but i forget. but now i have to watch those again and be like "I was there!" haha!

That night we drove into a city in Peten that has this Christian camp called Hearts in Action in it. We stayed there that night, all very grateful for no bugs and hot showers! Ben even leant me, Katie, Pan, Karis, and Dee his laptop so we could watch the last 2 episodes of Alias again (Katie brought that disc along). Ahhh, good ole Alias!

Next day we drove to the Rio Dulce where we met up with site 2 (they did all what we did, just in the opposite order). we hopped into 3 covered speed boats and took off down the very junglish, amazingly beautiful river on our way to Amatique Bay, a 5 star resort in Puerto Barrios. We boated into the resort and it felt like I was on the Bachelorette or something! Ive never seen a more exotic and amazing resort on TV or brochures!!! all the students stayed in this MANSION with a huge kitchen and personal pool out back and a living room, dining room, and bedrooms. we had to put some people on the floor and then rotate for the next night. The main pool is HUGE! It had 2 nearly full sized waterslides (with no lifeguards, so we had 17 of us go down all together many times and do other crazy things:) ), a pirate ship in the middle of the pool, a swim up bar and tunnels and caves and all these neato things! And it was deserted! Every now and then we would see someone, but we pretty much owned the place for those 2 days! awesome! They even let us give them our CDs and threw us a dance party on the last night! super super super vacationy! And we were right on the Caribbean too, so played some beach volleyball and waded around in the surf. OH! And Tabitha was baptized by Blayne while she was there! She had been planning it for a while, after discussing it with her family and church and all. so that was great for all of us to see and awesome for her to do.

Then on Wednesday, me, Katie, Dee, Geoff, Karis, Tabitha, Xena, and Julia boated to Livingston, this town right on the Caribbean Coast for our free weekend. Blayne had booked us into this 5 star hotel and got us this amazing deal where it would only cost each of us $85 USD for the 4 nights. so we got there and they had no record of our reservation, no understanding of any special deal, and worst of all, no room for us. crap. so we sat and thinked and this one guy told us all about his friend"s hostel-type place. 3 of us went to check it out and it seemed affordable and legit, so we headed there. but on the way we stopped at this little hotel called La Posada El Delfin and loved it and they are charging us $75 for all 4 nights per person, and no, its not 5 star and we dont have a huge pool, but we are the only ones there, we all get to share one big room, they give us breakfast and bottled water. we are loving it so far! It POURED for the first time ive been in Guatemala yesterday! It was super cool. Today we went to the Playa Blanca (white sandy beach) and these waterfalls called the Seven Alters to go cliff jumping. that was cool! except the weather was cool and cloudy, so not the best for the beach, but it was still cool. and tomorrow we are going to Belize! hurrah!!! We will be swimming and snorkelling out there, so that is freaking amazing and exciting! wohoo!!! And the tour today and tomorrow is with our hotel, so we get our own boat and it is private, so that just makes it even more awesome :) hopefully and prayfully the weather tomorrow will be sunny and clear for good snorkelling. anyways, i have written tons and tons and should get going. i will try to keep on top of things better! we head back to Joco on Sunday and then next week is Spanish followed by another free weekend (maybe i will go back to the Montericco beach again) and then SPanish the following week and Semana Santa (Holy Week, the 4 days before easter), and then Easter in Antigua, which is a don"t-you-dare-miss-this-excitement sort of thing. and then a week of independent service. and then we have 9 days of debrief. and then we are back to Winnipeg. man. it is going so fast. but it is oh so good. i should take off though. love you muchly! miss you and pray for you guys lots too.
Janal

HELLO! So we're back in Jocotenango now! After Monday's 8 hour travel escapade, we decided to leave as early as we could handle today from the orphanage. We were planning on just stepping out of the house at 6:30 am and walking around with our hiking backpacks plus my guitar until we found a taxi. THANKFULLY Herlyn, the mom of the orphanage, got up with us and advised we call a taxi because they never circle that area of Xela. But today we made excellent time and I was stepping into my house in Joco at 11:15. But that's boring news, i'll tell you about the rest of the week...
pretty much it was amazing! I felt like I spent the whole time in the presence of God. They were long days, but not that physically draining, and it was just such a sweet experience. Herlyn has a younger brother that took us to see a Meet the Fockers (they're all in English with Spanish subtitles) and then to this really cool touristy antiques cafe after for cake. It was great to have a night out :) Oh, except the town is pretty sketchy... Herman carried his TAZER with him while we walked from the car to the theatre entrance! thankfully he didn't have to use it. oh, it's crazy, every year the college students in guatemala have a few weeks where they dress in black or purple robes with pointed hats and tiny holes for eyes (yes, you read right... pretty much hundreds of KKK-looking people walking around a foreign country. unnerving is an understatement) and go around asking for money. they use the money to throw a year-end party, but they can get a little violent. like they get on the buses and usually they are harmless, but you give them a Q (like 16 cents) if you have it! They go around to businesses too, and if the owners don't pay up they come back in the nights and do major vandalizing. sketchy, yes. so we saw them EVERYWHERE in Xela and mostly at nights. crazy sauce!
we did lots of cleaning and cooking and painting for the orphanage and just hung out and danced with the kids. it was super super super awesome and fun. last night they made us all goodbye cards and it was ADORABLE! i miss them already... There was a big football (soccer) game between Guatemala and Belize last night, so we thought "hey, fiesta!!" and brought the TV into the dining room and had hot dogs, pop, chips, candy, cookies, balloons, and face paints for them. it was a HUGE hit and just so much fun. and Guate won, 2-0, so that was even more awesome :) and then we had a dance party. v. cool :) yeah... so that's pretty much been the week! awesome, amazing, and fun. oh, except today on the chicken bus from Chimaltenango to Joco, all of Joanne's money and debit card was taken from her money belt, which was well hidden under her pants, a shirt, and a hoodie. Poor girl! She had lots in there too. it'll be a good wake-up call for all of us, i guess.

so tomorrow is a well needed day off to do laundry, internet, and we have to take these spiritual gifts/personality tests for the knowing yourself/spiritual retreat week we're doing starting Tuesday. I'm excited for that. Blayne Greiner, a first semester speaker, is coming down for that! hurrah! it'll be a good week to process my time here, figure out some more of who i am and where i'm going. it should be awesome! and we'll be on a coffee plantation. oooo! so far all the coffee i've had here has been instant, which is raunchy. ok, ok, so i don't actually drink coffee, so i can't tell if the stuff here is good or not, but apparently the real, homegrown stuff tastes different than at home. but yeah, that's about all... gotta run! Meeting Katie and Jo and Niki at the fountain. Miss you all! happy days!
PS. Mom, Dad, Joel, Paul, Nicole: PLEASE email me! i haven't heard from any of you in ages and i miss you. Paul: Go to Esperanza.
PPS. All you others, PLEASE email me! i will reply! and i love feeling connected to home and knowing how you're all doing. be blessed!
Psalm 58