I desire mercy, not sacrifice...
I know not what this means. Or I guess I do, but I don't know how it looks. How to live it. There is so much I do not know. So much has happened in my life recently, but I think I've left God out of most of it. I don't want this to be a complaining blog however. But I'll just spew. Here goes.
Crap, how do I LIVE Christ? Like, life can go on for me and I can get up early and earnestly seek the Lord and talk to Him throughout the day, fellowship with other believers, worship Him, and even pour myself out before Him in tears and... nothing. Then I can have a day where I don't get up early, I really don't talk to Him that much, I don't spend any time talking about Him with friends or praying and... nothing. Seriously, I find it hard to discipline myself to get to know Him when it honestly doesn't seem to make any difference at all. Sure, there are TONS of things in my life that I need to give up and let Him destroy. And I offer them to Him. and I offer them to Him. and I surrender. and I surrender. and nothing changes. So I guess now i'm in a place of rebellion. It's easier for me to to hold on to my "golden calf." It's too emotionally and mentally and spiritually destructive otherwise. NOTHING BLOODY CHANGES. I feel like I'm fooling myself when I tell people (or myself) that my God is a healing God. I can't explain why He doesn't always heal or why some people don't experience Him or feel Him. But something in me explodes with passion to know Him and to have others know Him too. Every night I pray that I would see the Lord in dreams. EVERY NIGHT. Every morning I ask to see Him during that day, or to have divine appointments with people, or to walk in the Spirit constantly. EVERY MORNING. and every day I beg to be free, I place all my worries and fears on Him, and offer myself up as a living sacrifice to be used as His ambassador. EVERY DAY. and nothing changes. nothing. bloody. changes. So for the past... mmm... maybe 5 days I haven't. I haven't sought Him wholeheartedly, surrendered all of me, or worshipped Him lovingly. And wanna know what really gets me? Nothing changed. I mean, I've asked so many times that I would have a relationship with Jesus where I NOTICE when I haven't read my Bible or talked to Him because my day sucks, my attitude sucks, or I just feel off. It's heartwrenching when nothing changes either way. When I don't notice it. I feel like I've given and poured so much of me into knowing Christ and ... nothing. Crap, I hate saying that. Because I KNOW it's not true. But i refuse to live a partial life with the Lord! It's gotta be ALL or nothing. and more than anything i long for it to be completely consuming and fulfilling, but again, to be honest, other things are fulfilling me in life. I need to be brought to a place where I HAVE to rely on Him, I guess. oh, i don't know what I need. There's this verse that says "Seek the Lord while He may be found" and so often I wonder if He isn't to be found by me. Like, He's there, but ... nothing. I don't know how to live.
And all these different theologies... don't even get me started :)
"If you follow my teachings, then you are truly my disciples. Then you will know the TRUTH and the TRUTH will set you free." (mark 8:34)
thanks guys for listening :)
Monday, May 31, 2004
Friday, May 07, 2004
-exerpt from mine and Jesus' morning convo-
God: "I tell you, NOW is the time of God's favour, NOW is the day of salvation!" (2 Corinthians 6:2)
Me: Yes Lord! Man, my spirit groans within me... I present myself as a living sacrifice, but for some reason I keep crawling off the altar! I long for 100% total devotion, but my interests are so divided... my focus is blurred and I've become so worldly.
God: "No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs--she wants to please her commanding officer" (2 Tim. 2:4) And also, "What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For you are the temple of the living God!" (2 Cor. 2:16)
Me: Man, I'm the temple of THE LIVING GOD, yet I stumble in following Him because I'm disctracted by my armful of idols. Father, bring me to that place of undivided focus! I miss You... the REAL You. I want to experience ALL of You! The sufferings and trials, the intercession, the miracles, the worship, the glory, the fellowship and community, the power, and the righteousness!
God: "Rather, as a servant of God, you commend yourself in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weaposn ofrighteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonour, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, yet possessing everything. (2 Cor. 6:4-10)
Me: I want to be a freedom fighter and advance on the gates of hell, retrieving the lost and bringing them into the Kingdom! Set the captives free ... yes, Lord. I want to proclaim the Good News to all the nations.
God: "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news..." (Romans 10:15)
Me: I want to be able to give all that I have and am to the poor, the widows, the broken, the orphans, the outcasts.
God: "The Spirit of the Lord is on you, because He has anointed you to preach good news to the poor. He has sent you to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favour." (Luke 4:18-19)...
Let It Be.
"As God has said, 'I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be My people." (2 Cor. 6:17)
God: "I tell you, NOW is the time of God's favour, NOW is the day of salvation!" (2 Corinthians 6:2)
Me: Yes Lord! Man, my spirit groans within me... I present myself as a living sacrifice, but for some reason I keep crawling off the altar! I long for 100% total devotion, but my interests are so divided... my focus is blurred and I've become so worldly.
God: "No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs--she wants to please her commanding officer" (2 Tim. 2:4) And also, "What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For you are the temple of the living God!" (2 Cor. 2:16)
Me: Man, I'm the temple of THE LIVING GOD, yet I stumble in following Him because I'm disctracted by my armful of idols. Father, bring me to that place of undivided focus! I miss You... the REAL You. I want to experience ALL of You! The sufferings and trials, the intercession, the miracles, the worship, the glory, the fellowship and community, the power, and the righteousness!
God: "Rather, as a servant of God, you commend yourself in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weaposn ofrighteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonour, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, yet possessing everything. (2 Cor. 6:4-10)
Me: I want to be a freedom fighter and advance on the gates of hell, retrieving the lost and bringing them into the Kingdom! Set the captives free ... yes, Lord. I want to proclaim the Good News to all the nations.
God: "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news..." (Romans 10:15)
Me: I want to be able to give all that I have and am to the poor, the widows, the broken, the orphans, the outcasts.
God: "The Spirit of the Lord is on you, because He has anointed you to preach good news to the poor. He has sent you to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favour." (Luke 4:18-19)...
Let It Be.
"As God has said, 'I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be My people." (2 Cor. 6:17)
Sunday, April 25, 2004
why must we obey that which we don't understand? i cannot see the result of my actions. i cannot look at my whole life as a map of winding roads and destinations, swamp lands and highways, mountain ranges and rocky beaches... I don't know where roads lead and paths connect. i'm glad i don't! i like life as an adventure.
sometimes i don't like being set apart. especially recently. it makes me confused and hurt and bitter and frustrated and emotional. but i know there's soooo much more that God's got planned for me, that I can't even see.
"those who obey my teachings are truly My disciples..." (Mark 8:34a)
I've never really pictured obedience as paramount in my walk with God. i mean, sure, it's there and there are things that I do and think later that i disobeyed Him, but just things like flipping out at my mom, or being a jerk to a friend, or wasting my time here on earth. but like, i don't really hear from God, so I never know day-to-day, what He wants me to do. so obedience for me is just more like trying to live each day under a shroud of worship and surrender my problems and worries to Him. so i long to actually hear His voice directing me where to go and what to do. but when that voice comes, am I too leery to trust and obey? hmm..
Oh Jesus, may the whole earth rise up in worship to You! May the trees dance and the birds dive and the creatures cry out. You said that if we stopped praising You the rocks would open up and praise You because Your creation cannot be silent before Your awesomeness.
"God, let me never let the rocks cry out louder than the voice You've given me! As long as I have breath to breathe, my lips with sing Your praise. Until the day in glory when I find the sweetest melody with words to rhyme, as long as I have breath to breathe, i will sing Your praise."
take me. break me. shape me. remake me. direct me. lead me.
for Your glory! You are so beautiful! Be ever near, sweet Messiah... Abba Father... je vous aime
1 John 4:18... perfect love
sometimes i don't like being set apart. especially recently. it makes me confused and hurt and bitter and frustrated and emotional. but i know there's soooo much more that God's got planned for me, that I can't even see.
"those who obey my teachings are truly My disciples..." (Mark 8:34a)
I've never really pictured obedience as paramount in my walk with God. i mean, sure, it's there and there are things that I do and think later that i disobeyed Him, but just things like flipping out at my mom, or being a jerk to a friend, or wasting my time here on earth. but like, i don't really hear from God, so I never know day-to-day, what He wants me to do. so obedience for me is just more like trying to live each day under a shroud of worship and surrender my problems and worries to Him. so i long to actually hear His voice directing me where to go and what to do. but when that voice comes, am I too leery to trust and obey? hmm..
Oh Jesus, may the whole earth rise up in worship to You! May the trees dance and the birds dive and the creatures cry out. You said that if we stopped praising You the rocks would open up and praise You because Your creation cannot be silent before Your awesomeness.
"God, let me never let the rocks cry out louder than the voice You've given me! As long as I have breath to breathe, my lips with sing Your praise. Until the day in glory when I find the sweetest melody with words to rhyme, as long as I have breath to breathe, i will sing Your praise."
take me. break me. shape me. remake me. direct me. lead me.
for Your glory! You are so beautiful! Be ever near, sweet Messiah... Abba Father... je vous aime
1 John 4:18... perfect love
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
thanks Jesus for the little blessings each day...
like today, for example! I woke up, and lo, it was morning. But hark, it was sunny! And behold, it was also about 20 minutes earlier than I usually rise! I read 2 Peter 2 this morning and it was good. There's this one verse I remember and it goes "make every effort to add to your faith, goodness; and to goodness, faithfulness; and to faithfulness; self-control. In addition to that self-control, perseverence; and to perseverence, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love."
Man, it all comes back to love, hey? I didn't even really know that WE, in and of ourselves, COULD "add to our faith"... but maybe following Christ is 100% trusting Him and 100% personal effort?
someone told me yesterday that they've come once again to the point where they realized that all they really really want in life is to know Christ, but that they've put zero energy into the whole relationship part. Like, they just expected that once they believed, they'd automatically grow closer. i totally fall into that too... just being lazy and all like "meh, my place is secured in Heaven" and then just sorta shrugging off actually
getting
to
know
our
Lord.
[commercial break to let that sink in]
so back to more of today's blessings:
and so because I was up earlier, i was able to walk to the barn instead of drive. and indeed i did. and the weather is fantabulous! and then at the barn I even had time to quickly brush my horse and pick some plops from his paddock (whew, say that 10 times fast! :)). and i dunno, it wasn't that i had a major spiritual experience, but it made me want to get up earlier EVERY morning, just so that i can have time to wake up and enjoy Jesus in His glorious creation.
and THEN i get to school and forsooth, there be-eth only 4 of us in French 12 instead of our usual 8. pourquoi? ah, because the others are on a Geography field trip, hiking and stuff! (lucky bean curds) But our wonderful teacher was like, "well, i won't give you any more french work.. just catch up on whatever you want to!" and so i did some french and then watched the Physics class destroy a computer with hammers to retrieve the cathode ray nodes something-or-else-thinga-hoojits from inside. that was classic :) they broke ALL of the safely warnings on that thing!
and just now, as I sit in the library, my eyes lit upon the kids book section where they get info for doing reports on animals. well, i honestly was unsure entirely what Prairie Dogs were and where they live, what they eat, etc, etc, so I picked up a "Nature's Children: Prairie Dogs" book and read it! and it was cool! I want to be a Prairie Dog! or at least live like one. here's an excerpt:
"If the prairie dog sees nothing to disturb it, it tilts its head back and makes a few short, sharp sounds, or chirks. With each chirk [btw, what the beans is a "chirk"???] its tail quivers and sems to signal 'all clear!' Soon more prairie dogs come out of their homes. They greet each other with kissing and nuzzling. When morning greetings are over, the business of the day begins. The prairie dogs feed busily, bask in the sun, take dust bathes, visit neighbours or wash themselves."
sounds pretty good to me! but yah, i guess i really don't have much more to say... i'd like to pray more with people. i haven't done that recently and i really miss it. and i think one day i would love to live in a community that's just like a prairie dog town!
Right now i'm into:
music: Dido (Mary's in India, Don't Leave Home), oldies, anything that's NOT from The Sound of Music :)
food: try Turtle Cheesecake, my friends!
smells: sunny morning air, and my baby cousin's hair
books: Jillian Jiggs... reliving that childhood, baby!
Bible story: The Israelites winning that battle because Moses held his hands up the whole time... sweet action
like today, for example! I woke up, and lo, it was morning. But hark, it was sunny! And behold, it was also about 20 minutes earlier than I usually rise! I read 2 Peter 2 this morning and it was good. There's this one verse I remember and it goes "make every effort to add to your faith, goodness; and to goodness, faithfulness; and to faithfulness; self-control. In addition to that self-control, perseverence; and to perseverence, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love."
Man, it all comes back to love, hey? I didn't even really know that WE, in and of ourselves, COULD "add to our faith"... but maybe following Christ is 100% trusting Him and 100% personal effort?
someone told me yesterday that they've come once again to the point where they realized that all they really really want in life is to know Christ, but that they've put zero energy into the whole relationship part. Like, they just expected that once they believed, they'd automatically grow closer. i totally fall into that too... just being lazy and all like "meh, my place is secured in Heaven" and then just sorta shrugging off actually
getting
to
know
our
Lord.
[commercial break to let that sink in]
so back to more of today's blessings:
and so because I was up earlier, i was able to walk to the barn instead of drive. and indeed i did. and the weather is fantabulous! and then at the barn I even had time to quickly brush my horse and pick some plops from his paddock (whew, say that 10 times fast! :)). and i dunno, it wasn't that i had a major spiritual experience, but it made me want to get up earlier EVERY morning, just so that i can have time to wake up and enjoy Jesus in His glorious creation.
and THEN i get to school and forsooth, there be-eth only 4 of us in French 12 instead of our usual 8. pourquoi? ah, because the others are on a Geography field trip, hiking and stuff! (lucky bean curds) But our wonderful teacher was like, "well, i won't give you any more french work.. just catch up on whatever you want to!" and so i did some french and then watched the Physics class destroy a computer with hammers to retrieve the cathode ray nodes something-or-else-thinga-hoojits from inside. that was classic :) they broke ALL of the safely warnings on that thing!
and just now, as I sit in the library, my eyes lit upon the kids book section where they get info for doing reports on animals. well, i honestly was unsure entirely what Prairie Dogs were and where they live, what they eat, etc, etc, so I picked up a "Nature's Children: Prairie Dogs" book and read it! and it was cool! I want to be a Prairie Dog! or at least live like one. here's an excerpt:
"If the prairie dog sees nothing to disturb it, it tilts its head back and makes a few short, sharp sounds, or chirks. With each chirk [btw, what the beans is a "chirk"???] its tail quivers and sems to signal 'all clear!' Soon more prairie dogs come out of their homes. They greet each other with kissing and nuzzling. When morning greetings are over, the business of the day begins. The prairie dogs feed busily, bask in the sun, take dust bathes, visit neighbours or wash themselves."
sounds pretty good to me! but yah, i guess i really don't have much more to say... i'd like to pray more with people. i haven't done that recently and i really miss it. and i think one day i would love to live in a community that's just like a prairie dog town!
Right now i'm into:
music: Dido (Mary's in India, Don't Leave Home), oldies, anything that's NOT from The Sound of Music :)
food: try Turtle Cheesecake, my friends!
smells: sunny morning air, and my baby cousin's hair
books: Jillian Jiggs... reliving that childhood, baby!
Bible story: The Israelites winning that battle because Moses held his hands up the whole time... sweet action
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
Here I lie
Naked before Your eyes
No robe
No rags
No peace
Nothing to hide
I stand before You tall
Nothing to give
I pull my pockets out in shame
I am not hot
And I am not cold
Awed by Your mystery
Yet deafened to Your call
Bone-weary and dry
Yet nearly satisfied
With the world in one hand
Stroking the cross with the other
My soul is chiming dissonance
No sweet harmonies
How do I completely surrender
When I'm not sure I want to be free?
and then i read colossians 1:1-14
I want to be holy, faithful. Loving my brothers and sisters. Faith springing up from hope.
What is in store for me in Heaven? What have I already heard about the word of truth? Has the Gospel come to me? Yet globally this Gospel bears fruit! Oh, how it grows, too! Does it grow among us, my friends? Do we understand God's grace in all its truth? Let us love in the Spirit, and never stop praying. Pray to be filled with the knowledge of His will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding, that we'd live a life worthy of the Lord--I want to be worthy of Him!--and may please Him in every way (such as bearing fruit in every good work and growing in the knowledge of God adn being strengthened so we can endure trials with patience, joy and thanksgiving. He's qualified me to share in the inheritance of His Kingdom.
wait, let's repeat that: He's qualified me to share in the inheritance of His Kingdom
hello? wake up, Janelle! why does this not consume my being? why is it not the most amazing thing I've heard all day? man, i have passion, but i think it's being outletted in the wrong ways...
What is this "heir-hood" all about? Freedom from death's dark dominion! Wait, am I free? what IS free? can anyone really be truly free?
And passage into His Kingdom! (but again, what IS this Kingdom? is it here, among us? is it yet to come and already been?) Redemption. Forgiveness. Man, I want to be one of our King's most faithful and obedient knights (err... or lady, i guess :) ) Who IS this King of glory?
Naked before Your eyes
No robe
No rags
No peace
Nothing to hide
I stand before You tall
Nothing to give
I pull my pockets out in shame
I am not hot
And I am not cold
Awed by Your mystery
Yet deafened to Your call
Bone-weary and dry
Yet nearly satisfied
With the world in one hand
Stroking the cross with the other
My soul is chiming dissonance
No sweet harmonies
How do I completely surrender
When I'm not sure I want to be free?
and then i read colossians 1:1-14
I want to be holy, faithful. Loving my brothers and sisters. Faith springing up from hope.
What is in store for me in Heaven? What have I already heard about the word of truth? Has the Gospel come to me? Yet globally this Gospel bears fruit! Oh, how it grows, too! Does it grow among us, my friends? Do we understand God's grace in all its truth? Let us love in the Spirit, and never stop praying. Pray to be filled with the knowledge of His will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding, that we'd live a life worthy of the Lord--I want to be worthy of Him!--and may please Him in every way (such as bearing fruit in every good work and growing in the knowledge of God adn being strengthened so we can endure trials with patience, joy and thanksgiving. He's qualified me to share in the inheritance of His Kingdom.
wait, let's repeat that: He's qualified me to share in the inheritance of His Kingdom
hello? wake up, Janelle! why does this not consume my being? why is it not the most amazing thing I've heard all day? man, i have passion, but i think it's being outletted in the wrong ways...
What is this "heir-hood" all about? Freedom from death's dark dominion! Wait, am I free? what IS free? can anyone really be truly free?
And passage into His Kingdom! (but again, what IS this Kingdom? is it here, among us? is it yet to come and already been?) Redemption. Forgiveness. Man, I want to be one of our King's most faithful and obedient knights (err... or lady, i guess :) ) Who IS this King of glory?
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
wow, tis been a long time. impishly long. i'd like to meet a leprechaun. quirky little fellas, i bet. anyway...
man, this week has been a chapter of Hell. but at the same time it's been so good. i have so much pride that i don't even realize it until I've done or said something completely foolish. God's been teaching me so many little things, through so many friends. my thoughts are so completely random and i've about 3 and a quarter dozen things running through my mind at once in the past week or so that when i even try to sit and think rationally or pray or even just talk with someone, i feel like i'm running on auto-pilot and the batteries are fading quick. beans, that's a gross feeling.
I think i need to ask 27 or so people's forgiveness... i've been so crabby and snotty and just a super crap jerk recently, for no real reason! i just want to please Christ. My heart feels beat up so much too... even from the Lord. like, so many prayers that i haven't seen acknowledgement from Him, let alone answers one way or the other. i think i need to be hit again with the simplicity yet intricate awesomeness of the Gospel. of the incarnation. lotsa prayer for that... especially now that it's coming up to easter. anyway, if you want to know more, grab me in the calls, or call me, folks! (463-7430). i'd love to write more, but Joel's sleeping in the computer room tonight so i gotta jetison. love. lovelovelovelovelovelovelove. amen.
man, this week has been a chapter of Hell. but at the same time it's been so good. i have so much pride that i don't even realize it until I've done or said something completely foolish. God's been teaching me so many little things, through so many friends. my thoughts are so completely random and i've about 3 and a quarter dozen things running through my mind at once in the past week or so that when i even try to sit and think rationally or pray or even just talk with someone, i feel like i'm running on auto-pilot and the batteries are fading quick. beans, that's a gross feeling.
I think i need to ask 27 or so people's forgiveness... i've been so crabby and snotty and just a super crap jerk recently, for no real reason! i just want to please Christ. My heart feels beat up so much too... even from the Lord. like, so many prayers that i haven't seen acknowledgement from Him, let alone answers one way or the other. i think i need to be hit again with the simplicity yet intricate awesomeness of the Gospel. of the incarnation. lotsa prayer for that... especially now that it's coming up to easter. anyway, if you want to know more, grab me in the calls, or call me, folks! (463-7430). i'd love to write more, but Joel's sleeping in the computer room tonight so i gotta jetison. love. lovelovelovelovelovelovelove. amen.
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
Hey dudes and dudettes! what is up?
you know what's so cool, but at the same time kinda bittersweet? I've been praying alot recently that the Lord would help me to get up early and read the bible and pray. and it's totally be working! in that I don't get outta bed until i've prayed for a couple minutes and read a few chapters. except i can't for the LIFE of me really remember what it is that i've read. i hang out with Jesus at night too, right before bed, but i like the whole "first thing in the morning" thing where it's the start of the day. i mean, how lame is being all like "yah, and uh, i dedicate this day I just had to you and surrender all of me unto You to be used for Your glory... tomorrow?" lol.. i've seriously said that before. like, known how much more focused and alert I am at night so devoted myself for the next day. and don't get me wrong, I think that I kinda need to be in constant reminder of being devoted, so it's a good thing, but at the same time, I want to notice a difference in my day when I don't spend quality time with Christ in the morning. and i mean QUALITY time... i know I'm not there yet. i think i'm gonna start praying for that though... that I'd really really see a change in the days I hang out and surrender first thing and the days I don't. apparently it takes 40 consecutive days to form a habit. but they never really tell you the other statistic--it only takes one day to break it! I think during this Lentish time for me the Lord is calling me to REALLY use it to make some good habits. ooo, it reminds me of that verse in Romans... gimme a sec, lemme find it...
---------I N S E R T -- J E O P A R D Y -- M U S I C -- H E R E -------------------------------------
ahh, most excellent. here it be... not Romans, 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 :)
"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that WILL last forever! Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it a slave so that after I have preached to others, I myeslf will not be disqualified for the prize"....
and there's also 1 Tim 4:8
"For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for ALL things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come!"
cool hey?? I mean, this life we live with Christ is awesome, but it takes discipline! i honestly love the feel of training for something, working hard to achieve goals, whether physically or training Billie (my horsie :) ) or in school or whatever! i love it! but it surely does take effort on my part. and that's what it'll take to have a feast with Christ every morning! that and a heaping tablespoon of his grace :)
Wow, another thing He's been teaching me is about blessing people. you know how like, Jacob got Esau's blessing from Isaac? those blessings were powerful! I'm reading The Final Battle by C.S. Lewis and people can actually, like, curse other people! it's like praying to Satan! doesn't that freak you out? it totally shouldn't though because Jehovah is oh so much more powerful, but curses and blessings DO affect people! God's totally been pushing me to pray for people with blessings! like not just "bless so-and-so" but like, the way they blessed people in the old testament! yah... He's so cool :) anyway, i need to get some ZZZZZZZZ's, so i'll see y'all later!
yay for Esperanza! Pray pray pray sooo much into it! Pray and believe and then expect the richest of the blessings and wonders from our Lord Jesus while we're there! Pray for miracles! for wonderous, miraculous, mind-boggling experiences! all to Him,
Janella
"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every though and make it obedient to Christ!" 2 Cor. 10:5
you know what's so cool, but at the same time kinda bittersweet? I've been praying alot recently that the Lord would help me to get up early and read the bible and pray. and it's totally be working! in that I don't get outta bed until i've prayed for a couple minutes and read a few chapters. except i can't for the LIFE of me really remember what it is that i've read. i hang out with Jesus at night too, right before bed, but i like the whole "first thing in the morning" thing where it's the start of the day. i mean, how lame is being all like "yah, and uh, i dedicate this day I just had to you and surrender all of me unto You to be used for Your glory... tomorrow?" lol.. i've seriously said that before. like, known how much more focused and alert I am at night so devoted myself for the next day. and don't get me wrong, I think that I kinda need to be in constant reminder of being devoted, so it's a good thing, but at the same time, I want to notice a difference in my day when I don't spend quality time with Christ in the morning. and i mean QUALITY time... i know I'm not there yet. i think i'm gonna start praying for that though... that I'd really really see a change in the days I hang out and surrender first thing and the days I don't. apparently it takes 40 consecutive days to form a habit. but they never really tell you the other statistic--it only takes one day to break it! I think during this Lentish time for me the Lord is calling me to REALLY use it to make some good habits. ooo, it reminds me of that verse in Romans... gimme a sec, lemme find it...
---------I N S E R T -- J E O P A R D Y -- M U S I C -- H E R E -------------------------------------
ahh, most excellent. here it be... not Romans, 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 :)
"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that WILL last forever! Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it a slave so that after I have preached to others, I myeslf will not be disqualified for the prize"....
and there's also 1 Tim 4:8
"For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for ALL things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come!"
cool hey?? I mean, this life we live with Christ is awesome, but it takes discipline! i honestly love the feel of training for something, working hard to achieve goals, whether physically or training Billie (my horsie :) ) or in school or whatever! i love it! but it surely does take effort on my part. and that's what it'll take to have a feast with Christ every morning! that and a heaping tablespoon of his grace :)
Wow, another thing He's been teaching me is about blessing people. you know how like, Jacob got Esau's blessing from Isaac? those blessings were powerful! I'm reading The Final Battle by C.S. Lewis and people can actually, like, curse other people! it's like praying to Satan! doesn't that freak you out? it totally shouldn't though because Jehovah is oh so much more powerful, but curses and blessings DO affect people! God's totally been pushing me to pray for people with blessings! like not just "bless so-and-so" but like, the way they blessed people in the old testament! yah... He's so cool :) anyway, i need to get some ZZZZZZZZ's, so i'll see y'all later!
yay for Esperanza! Pray pray pray sooo much into it! Pray and believe and then expect the richest of the blessings and wonders from our Lord Jesus while we're there! Pray for miracles! for wonderous, miraculous, mind-boggling experiences! all to Him,
Janella
"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every though and make it obedient to Christ!" 2 Cor. 10:5
Saturday, February 21, 2004
g'day all!
wow, JessL, great stuff you talked about. I must say, that career fair was super boring, but the best part? skipping out of it and walking around downtown a bit (shhh!) and just seeing all the people. wow. that was harsh. there was this one guy and he was sitting on the corner of the street and asking for change. honestly, i had about $3.00 in change, but wasn't sure how good giving him money would do. so i gave him my yogurt. and then i saw him a few mins later eating it and he grabbed his stuff and hurried off. it felt good to give him something, but at the same time, i had a good clothes on, some stuff in my back pack, a hardy waterbottle, comfy shoes... and i gave this guy YOGURT? i mean, like, it's like this King walking around with gold falling out of his pockets, he's tripping on his thick, long, gorgeous robe, jewels and glittering on every finger and on his crown, and he passes a commoner a handkerchief. nice, thanks dude, i'll be sure to wipe my face extra gently with this baby. i wanna do so much more! and like, my WHOOOOLLLEEE life i've wanted to get out of Canada and into Africa, Asia, South and Central America, etc, to do the Lord's work. and maybe that's where He'll take me. but so much of my heart is right here too. right where the Natives are oppressed and the druggies are shooting up right next door. i mean, we KNOW the language of our nation and the culture and the people. we may not be immersed in the everyday struggles of the "real world", but it seems to make so much more sense to like, stay here and defend the cause of the poor and the needy, speaking up for those who can't speak for themselves.
man, on another note, do you ever get it where it's like everything inside of you is running in different directions at once and you feel like if you open a window you'll lose an arm or something? holy moly rolly polly, the Lord's totally just been showing me recently what it means to have an "undivided heart". like, my heart and passions are focussed, yet soooo divided right now! i have so many idols and high places and blah. grrr! go away! it was cool cuz after I was at Robyn's (lol, SHARI'S) house tonight I went up to the barn and was thinking about some crap and I parked so that I had to run across my ring (like 200 feet). on the way back from the barn to the car i somehow got a prickle in my shoe but still tried to ignore it and run anyway. God was totally like "it's hard to run your best when you've got something lodged in your way, hey?" and i was just sorta stubborn and like "yah, but whatever, i don't really notice it", and He was like "suit yourself, but that thing will get infected if you don't take it out, and you'll really start to lag in the race. get rid of those thorns." kwap. i hate thorns... i hate that sometimes they don't go away. II Corinthains 12. i feel for ya, Paul. Hmm, what a faithful God He is though! We've been praying for good weather for the Esperanza car wash and it looks like Jesus is gonna do juuuuuust that! Blessed at the pure in heart... for they will SEE THE LORD! Father, grant me a pure heart, let me not lift up my soul to another. be blessed!!!
PS. one little boy once wrote to Mother Theresa, completely enthralled by her selfless works and devotion to helping others. He asked how he could change his world and do those same things as her, serving those who couldn't help themselves. He asked where he should go to make the most impact. She wrote back with a simple reply. it said: "Find your own Calcutta." Calcutta... Vancouver... Maple Ridge... Pitt Meadows... could even be chapels at Haney or Fuel. where ever it is, the Psalms say that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted, the downcast, and the weary. let us find that Calcutta and faithfully flood it with prayer and miracles and commitment. i feel that i've been way too slack on my faithfulness recently to some things i have responsibility in. let us make the most of TODAY by surrounding it with so much prayer and finding courage from the Almighty to do those things we cannot do on our own but He pleads us to do. yes Lord! stop thinking my friends... get on the move!
PPS. that last PS was really long. :)
janners
wow, JessL, great stuff you talked about. I must say, that career fair was super boring, but the best part? skipping out of it and walking around downtown a bit (shhh!) and just seeing all the people. wow. that was harsh. there was this one guy and he was sitting on the corner of the street and asking for change. honestly, i had about $3.00 in change, but wasn't sure how good giving him money would do. so i gave him my yogurt. and then i saw him a few mins later eating it and he grabbed his stuff and hurried off. it felt good to give him something, but at the same time, i had a good clothes on, some stuff in my back pack, a hardy waterbottle, comfy shoes... and i gave this guy YOGURT? i mean, like, it's like this King walking around with gold falling out of his pockets, he's tripping on his thick, long, gorgeous robe, jewels and glittering on every finger and on his crown, and he passes a commoner a handkerchief. nice, thanks dude, i'll be sure to wipe my face extra gently with this baby. i wanna do so much more! and like, my WHOOOOLLLEEE life i've wanted to get out of Canada and into Africa, Asia, South and Central America, etc, to do the Lord's work. and maybe that's where He'll take me. but so much of my heart is right here too. right where the Natives are oppressed and the druggies are shooting up right next door. i mean, we KNOW the language of our nation and the culture and the people. we may not be immersed in the everyday struggles of the "real world", but it seems to make so much more sense to like, stay here and defend the cause of the poor and the needy, speaking up for those who can't speak for themselves.
man, on another note, do you ever get it where it's like everything inside of you is running in different directions at once and you feel like if you open a window you'll lose an arm or something? holy moly rolly polly, the Lord's totally just been showing me recently what it means to have an "undivided heart". like, my heart and passions are focussed, yet soooo divided right now! i have so many idols and high places and blah. grrr! go away! it was cool cuz after I was at Robyn's (lol, SHARI'S) house tonight I went up to the barn and was thinking about some crap and I parked so that I had to run across my ring (like 200 feet). on the way back from the barn to the car i somehow got a prickle in my shoe but still tried to ignore it and run anyway. God was totally like "it's hard to run your best when you've got something lodged in your way, hey?" and i was just sorta stubborn and like "yah, but whatever, i don't really notice it", and He was like "suit yourself, but that thing will get infected if you don't take it out, and you'll really start to lag in the race. get rid of those thorns." kwap. i hate thorns... i hate that sometimes they don't go away. II Corinthains 12. i feel for ya, Paul. Hmm, what a faithful God He is though! We've been praying for good weather for the Esperanza car wash and it looks like Jesus is gonna do juuuuuust that! Blessed at the pure in heart... for they will SEE THE LORD! Father, grant me a pure heart, let me not lift up my soul to another. be blessed!!!
PS. one little boy once wrote to Mother Theresa, completely enthralled by her selfless works and devotion to helping others. He asked how he could change his world and do those same things as her, serving those who couldn't help themselves. He asked where he should go to make the most impact. She wrote back with a simple reply. it said: "Find your own Calcutta." Calcutta... Vancouver... Maple Ridge... Pitt Meadows... could even be chapels at Haney or Fuel. where ever it is, the Psalms say that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted, the downcast, and the weary. let us find that Calcutta and faithfully flood it with prayer and miracles and commitment. i feel that i've been way too slack on my faithfulness recently to some things i have responsibility in. let us make the most of TODAY by surrounding it with so much prayer and finding courage from the Almighty to do those things we cannot do on our own but He pleads us to do. yes Lord! stop thinking my friends... get on the move!
PPS. that last PS was really long. :)
janners
Monday, February 16, 2004
hey guys! I've been thinking recently, and all of the sudden the idea of Lent came to mind. LENT! I was like "fruit, what's lent?" So I asked Mrs. Campbell and looked it up on the internet and here's what i found!
it's pretty much 40 days (not including sundays) of mouring and sacrifice before easter. in some churches it's 40 days of fasting certain foods. it starts on Ash Wednesday and ends the Saturday before Easter. It's supposed to be a time of confession and recomittment. I've never done Lent before, but I think that it could be totally profound and a deeply intimate experience with Jesus. And I know that i'll have to constantly be checking myself... making sure i'm not just going on a power trip--like just proving to myself and others that i can go without something for 6 weeks. and to use my desire for that certain something as an "alarm clock" to remind me to go and pray RIGHT then, or something like that. hm... something to think about for sure. For anyone who's interested it starts Wednesday, Feb. 25th and goes until Saturday, April 10th. And you can fast anything: PlayStation, Slurpees, meat... something that you find it hard to "live without" from day to day. but i also think it's a seriously personal thing. but i've got over a week to pray about it, so we'll see how it goes! If anyone else is interested and wants to do some sorta accountability thing, here i am :) ciao!
it's pretty much 40 days (not including sundays) of mouring and sacrifice before easter. in some churches it's 40 days of fasting certain foods. it starts on Ash Wednesday and ends the Saturday before Easter. It's supposed to be a time of confession and recomittment. I've never done Lent before, but I think that it could be totally profound and a deeply intimate experience with Jesus. And I know that i'll have to constantly be checking myself... making sure i'm not just going on a power trip--like just proving to myself and others that i can go without something for 6 weeks. and to use my desire for that certain something as an "alarm clock" to remind me to go and pray RIGHT then, or something like that. hm... something to think about for sure. For anyone who's interested it starts Wednesday, Feb. 25th and goes until Saturday, April 10th. And you can fast anything: PlayStation, Slurpees, meat... something that you find it hard to "live without" from day to day. but i also think it's a seriously personal thing. but i've got over a week to pray about it, so we'll see how it goes! If anyone else is interested and wants to do some sorta accountability thing, here i am :) ciao!
Saturday, February 14, 2004
Woe to those who fear not God! Whose ferocious love rests in another, whose prideful hand shoves down the opressed...woe to those who have taken idols! Whose worship bounces off bronze bellies and praises flutter to the earth... woe to those all void of passion! Whose hearts don't leap nor weep. Emotionless, devotionless, atrociousness. Woe am I, for i've seen the Lord! My unholy face drawn into His...my reeking soul has beheld pure glory. Oh, that He may bless me indeed! Cover me in blood that I may be clean.
The praise of my tongue is the least You are due! To walk hand in hand with Your love... My whole being cries out for a spirit of worship to reign. These iron shackles trip me up, pull me down. I've tried to run, but i'm crawling on the ground. Yesterday they caught me in Tomorrow's empty promises. A silver key You hold in your hand...
Can we rise above the squalour when the prince has the chains done up tight? We reformed to his ways, dead in life. Stretching out hands up, we slip. Muddy feet, faces, arms and clothes. How can we be relieved, transformed unto the Almighty? Weak and arrogant in the prince of lies! We serve the one we detest. Dances with the devil! Too weak to lead, too tired to let go, he drags us through the motions. We let him spin us, dip us, twirl us into the confusion of our sin. Oh, let the King take me over! Take my hand, so bony, grubby.. His so firm, yet soft. Let us dance to His glory, in His life, though His death and resurrection, above all fear, beyond all hate. hate of you. of me. of nothing and everything. Let me dance, sweet Jesus, with YOU!
The praise of my tongue is the least You are due! To walk hand in hand with Your love... My whole being cries out for a spirit of worship to reign. These iron shackles trip me up, pull me down. I've tried to run, but i'm crawling on the ground. Yesterday they caught me in Tomorrow's empty promises. A silver key You hold in your hand...
Can we rise above the squalour when the prince has the chains done up tight? We reformed to his ways, dead in life. Stretching out hands up, we slip. Muddy feet, faces, arms and clothes. How can we be relieved, transformed unto the Almighty? Weak and arrogant in the prince of lies! We serve the one we detest. Dances with the devil! Too weak to lead, too tired to let go, he drags us through the motions. We let him spin us, dip us, twirl us into the confusion of our sin. Oh, let the King take me over! Take my hand, so bony, grubby.. His so firm, yet soft. Let us dance to His glory, in His life, though His death and resurrection, above all fear, beyond all hate. hate of you. of me. of nothing and everything. Let me dance, sweet Jesus, with YOU!
Happy Valentine's Day, guys! Yah know, I love Valentine's day :) I mean, red, white, and pink go really well together. And the ribbon-wrapped flowers and the little hearts everywhere. And the seasonal V-day candy and chocolate. and how the writing on cards and in shopping malls and on wrappers is all loopy calligraphy. Man, do men hate this time of year? Because it sure makes me feel girly! But I'm pretty materialistic on Feb. 14th because I'm unaware of the story behind the holiday, if there is one. Me and Jesus are going on a Valentine's date today. well, we sorta started it and then I got distracted (i swear I have ADHD.. j/k) but we'll try that again in a few minutes :) But yah guys, like, fall in love with Jesus again on this day. It's kinda wierd because so much of V-day seems like fluff and puppy love and cutesy smoochy lovey dovey gah gah emotions, which is NOT what i want my relationship with Jesus to be. like, it should be so much more... oh i dunno, grounded :) not that it's wrong to be giddy. pickles, be giddy and giggly in your love for Christ! but let's let this day be a reminder of how it's so soooooo much more than nuts and fluff... yah. :)
head over heels,
Janelle
XO XO XO (lol, sorry, couldn't resist!)
head over heels,
Janelle
XO XO XO (lol, sorry, couldn't resist!)
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Whoa-ho, it's been a looooong time since i've last blogged! so sorry about that! I've thinking about knowing the Lord. I mean like REALLY knowing him. really really. There's this verse, Jeremiah 22:16. it goes: "'He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know Me?' declares the Lord."
Can someone know the Lord and never have come in contact with His Son? Is it possible for people who don't proclaim that Jesus is the Messiah, yet love everyone and serve wholeheartedly to enter the Kingdom of Heaven? 1 Corinthians 13 pretty much says that Love is what endures forever. But then of course it's Romans that states that we must confess with our mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in our hearts that God raised him from the dead and we will be saved. but you can do that without knowing Christ, no?
I could read every single biography and autobiography, newsclipping, magazine article, and website on Vincent Van Gogh and know everything about his life: when he was born, who his girlfriend was, all his interesting habits, but not really KNOW him. i'd know all about him, no doubt, but he personally would still be a mystery.
I could examine every piece of Van Gogh's artwork, studying each line and analyzing every curve, until I was able to recognize his paintings from across the room and pull apart the meaning underneath each one. I'd know his masterpieces and his style, but the artist would still be unknown to me.
I could attend seminars, listen to speakers, join a Van Gogh fan club, and put aside certain times where i'd simply meditate on understanding his condition. but i STILL wouldn't truly KNOW him!
i think real knowledge, true intimacy comes from experience. I can't know any of my friends unless i hang out with them and discover what makes them tick, their pet peeves, their favorite jokes, their deep thoughts, their dreams and hopes, their fears and their frustrations. in the same way, i don't feel as though I truly KNOW the Lord. I certainly know of him, what He's done and famous for, the way He acted in certain situations, but ... it still just feels like i'm doing a lifetime project on someone reputable. and that totally devalues our God. takes away from the relationship. hmm...
I was at the Model United nations thing these past 4 days and it was really fun! imust say, one of my more memorable moments was this talk Lindsay and I had for over an hour late at night in bed. i dunno, it just totally got me thinking about true Christianity and what it means. We watched some dancers from teh Maxwell School of Ba'Hai for a couple hours earlier that day as part of the opening ceremonies for the MUN, and they were amazing! totally cool! but just the whole theology is sooo interesting. and i was talking to these students that go there and he let us see his school binder and ... man, i dunno. the whole weekend was just soaked in pluralism and multiculturalism. sooo interesting and sooo thought-provoking.
sorry that this has been kind of vague... i'm doing quite well emotionally, but like spiritually, i'm just kinda floating. like so much is in my head and so many thoughts and questions, my pursuit of truth seems to have been hindered by my desire for comfortability... erm... i guess it's just easier sometimes to take my brain out and keep it in a jar, not having to think about anything save history, french and what i'll do with my free blocks. but yah... i don't know, through all of everything, the Lord is sooo good! so good... hmm... like no matter how many questions i have, there's always the transcending peace :) awesome! ciao for now,
Janners
Can someone know the Lord and never have come in contact with His Son? Is it possible for people who don't proclaim that Jesus is the Messiah, yet love everyone and serve wholeheartedly to enter the Kingdom of Heaven? 1 Corinthians 13 pretty much says that Love is what endures forever. But then of course it's Romans that states that we must confess with our mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in our hearts that God raised him from the dead and we will be saved. but you can do that without knowing Christ, no?
I could read every single biography and autobiography, newsclipping, magazine article, and website on Vincent Van Gogh and know everything about his life: when he was born, who his girlfriend was, all his interesting habits, but not really KNOW him. i'd know all about him, no doubt, but he personally would still be a mystery.
I could examine every piece of Van Gogh's artwork, studying each line and analyzing every curve, until I was able to recognize his paintings from across the room and pull apart the meaning underneath each one. I'd know his masterpieces and his style, but the artist would still be unknown to me.
I could attend seminars, listen to speakers, join a Van Gogh fan club, and put aside certain times where i'd simply meditate on understanding his condition. but i STILL wouldn't truly KNOW him!
i think real knowledge, true intimacy comes from experience. I can't know any of my friends unless i hang out with them and discover what makes them tick, their pet peeves, their favorite jokes, their deep thoughts, their dreams and hopes, their fears and their frustrations. in the same way, i don't feel as though I truly KNOW the Lord. I certainly know of him, what He's done and famous for, the way He acted in certain situations, but ... it still just feels like i'm doing a lifetime project on someone reputable. and that totally devalues our God. takes away from the relationship. hmm...
I was at the Model United nations thing these past 4 days and it was really fun! imust say, one of my more memorable moments was this talk Lindsay and I had for over an hour late at night in bed. i dunno, it just totally got me thinking about true Christianity and what it means. We watched some dancers from teh Maxwell School of Ba'Hai for a couple hours earlier that day as part of the opening ceremonies for the MUN, and they were amazing! totally cool! but just the whole theology is sooo interesting. and i was talking to these students that go there and he let us see his school binder and ... man, i dunno. the whole weekend was just soaked in pluralism and multiculturalism. sooo interesting and sooo thought-provoking.
sorry that this has been kind of vague... i'm doing quite well emotionally, but like spiritually, i'm just kinda floating. like so much is in my head and so many thoughts and questions, my pursuit of truth seems to have been hindered by my desire for comfortability... erm... i guess it's just easier sometimes to take my brain out and keep it in a jar, not having to think about anything save history, french and what i'll do with my free blocks. but yah... i don't know, through all of everything, the Lord is sooo good! so good... hmm... like no matter how many questions i have, there's always the transcending peace :) awesome! ciao for now,
Janners
Friday, January 23, 2004
hello! Yes, i am still alive. alive and well! I've forgotten about being a blogger though, probably due to exams and such. but life is so good.
man, i always have these epiphanys late at night! so (once again) please excuse that which may not be entirely coherent.
lol, as my links aren't working, i cant' comment on the blogs i read just now (Shannon's and Jess L's)... so i'll say it on here, girls!
Shay: i love love love your heart. and the whole sitting IN prayer, not merely throwing up requests is so beautiful, and exactly what i need to be doing as well. may there be so many blessings for you that come with that!
Jess: Yah, i hear yah when it comes to talking about boys and marriage and relationships. dude, it's hard. it's so easy to just sit and talk about boys. which, as you said, is healthy :) but where's the line? i honestly don't know. but these guys are our brothers, precious to us and to the body of Christ. it robs them of true value and honour when we see them only as "potentials" (not that you do this, just rambling :) ) but yah, once again, thanks for your wisdom and i love how you put the Bible right into your blogs! yay!
gosh, Bible this past week and a half has truely been a blessing. except i know i need to throw out an appology to all those in my bible class, especially those who were making presentations when i was being distracted. i've been blown away by people in CHRP recently! i LOVED everyone's project for 2 reason: 1) most of them were truly from the heart and so full of wisdom and truth and, 2) it gave me a chance to see so many of my friends in a vulnerable position and totally do an amazing job at what they did. so thanks all you in Bible! i love you guys!
it's crazy, there were so many topics discussed in Bible... Worship, ghosts, halloween, Gandhi, desensitization, the poor, astrology, love, music, beauty, fashion, ... the list goes on! And i have walked away from the presentations so full of questions and such a desire to seek truth. everyone did an amazing job of looking into the Word for God's answers, but sometimes things just aren't answered. and it totally got me to thinking about WHY i get frustrated sometimes when i don't know answers to things, especially "spiritual" things. like, sometimes I just want Jesus to be black and white, with an opinion on everything, with a "right" path for my life, with absolute truths. And i need to totally repent for that... that's me putting Christ in a box. something i HATE to have happen to me... and something that totally takes away from the mystery, holiness, and wisdom of Yahweh. brutal...
another thing God's shown me about my life is: ME. everything i do is about me. seriously, everything, from giving money to help others to worship to school to relationships. i sacrifice time, money, means, etc, for ME. not intentionally, but the things i do i do in hopes to make me feel better. make me more comfortable. Oh Jesus, throw a different card at me! force me out of my gluttonous, pleasure living life! and gah, see, that's for me too! i need a serious humility lesson. and thankfully, we've got the best Teacher. reminds me of Phil 2...
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself. Each of you should look not only to your own interest, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be that of Christ Jesus: Who, in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant..." (and on... it's so good, read it! :) )
wow... yes Lord. and so, as mentioned in that passage, i know that I AM important and i am the temple of the living, mighty God, and so how i care for my self and think of myself is crucial, but at the same time, there's that whole "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me" verse as well. DENY myself. what is that really? whatever it is, i know i want to do it. every single day! every moment. i GOTTA walk the talk. man, totally! where is the love? mine is very teeny tiny and pretty conditional. and i think so much of being a follower of Christ is suffering for him, but i'm waaaaaay to comfy cozy to experience any of that. sweet pickles, i need Him bad!
"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who, WHO can be against us?" (Romans 8:31).
Janellio-yo-ho-wiggedy-whack-smack-pitter-pat-gotta-go
man, i always have these epiphanys late at night! so (once again) please excuse that which may not be entirely coherent.
lol, as my links aren't working, i cant' comment on the blogs i read just now (Shannon's and Jess L's)... so i'll say it on here, girls!
Shay: i love love love your heart. and the whole sitting IN prayer, not merely throwing up requests is so beautiful, and exactly what i need to be doing as well. may there be so many blessings for you that come with that!
Jess: Yah, i hear yah when it comes to talking about boys and marriage and relationships. dude, it's hard. it's so easy to just sit and talk about boys. which, as you said, is healthy :) but where's the line? i honestly don't know. but these guys are our brothers, precious to us and to the body of Christ. it robs them of true value and honour when we see them only as "potentials" (not that you do this, just rambling :) ) but yah, once again, thanks for your wisdom and i love how you put the Bible right into your blogs! yay!
gosh, Bible this past week and a half has truely been a blessing. except i know i need to throw out an appology to all those in my bible class, especially those who were making presentations when i was being distracted. i've been blown away by people in CHRP recently! i LOVED everyone's project for 2 reason: 1) most of them were truly from the heart and so full of wisdom and truth and, 2) it gave me a chance to see so many of my friends in a vulnerable position and totally do an amazing job at what they did. so thanks all you in Bible! i love you guys!
it's crazy, there were so many topics discussed in Bible... Worship, ghosts, halloween, Gandhi, desensitization, the poor, astrology, love, music, beauty, fashion, ... the list goes on! And i have walked away from the presentations so full of questions and such a desire to seek truth. everyone did an amazing job of looking into the Word for God's answers, but sometimes things just aren't answered. and it totally got me to thinking about WHY i get frustrated sometimes when i don't know answers to things, especially "spiritual" things. like, sometimes I just want Jesus to be black and white, with an opinion on everything, with a "right" path for my life, with absolute truths. And i need to totally repent for that... that's me putting Christ in a box. something i HATE to have happen to me... and something that totally takes away from the mystery, holiness, and wisdom of Yahweh. brutal...
another thing God's shown me about my life is: ME. everything i do is about me. seriously, everything, from giving money to help others to worship to school to relationships. i sacrifice time, money, means, etc, for ME. not intentionally, but the things i do i do in hopes to make me feel better. make me more comfortable. Oh Jesus, throw a different card at me! force me out of my gluttonous, pleasure living life! and gah, see, that's for me too! i need a serious humility lesson. and thankfully, we've got the best Teacher. reminds me of Phil 2...
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself. Each of you should look not only to your own interest, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be that of Christ Jesus: Who, in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant..." (and on... it's so good, read it! :) )
wow... yes Lord. and so, as mentioned in that passage, i know that I AM important and i am the temple of the living, mighty God, and so how i care for my self and think of myself is crucial, but at the same time, there's that whole "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me" verse as well. DENY myself. what is that really? whatever it is, i know i want to do it. every single day! every moment. i GOTTA walk the talk. man, totally! where is the love? mine is very teeny tiny and pretty conditional. and i think so much of being a follower of Christ is suffering for him, but i'm waaaaaay to comfy cozy to experience any of that. sweet pickles, i need Him bad!
"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who, WHO can be against us?" (Romans 8:31).
Janellio-yo-ho-wiggedy-whack-smack-pitter-pat-gotta-go
Thursday, January 08, 2004
Hey all! Here are some poems that i've written recently... :)
Revealed Identity
Will you dance with me?
Tap out this fearful melody
Across the floor of all my dreams
Can you dance with me?
Will you walk with me?
Hand in hand beside the sea
Painting out sweet nature’s themes
Can you walk with me?
Will you laugh with me?
Dispel the darkest insanity
Chuckle at mischievous schemes
Can you laugh with me?
Will you sing with me?
Whistle soft the harmony
Musical scales, crescendoed moonbeams
Can you sing with me?
And will you speak to me?
Whisper dear truths of eternity
Endless phrase and sentence streams
Please, come speak, to me
Freedom’s Songbird
I carry a finch in my pocket
A fragile little thing
She’s not much bigger than a mite
Yet everything makes her sing
Sometimes she chirps so loud
And beats her feisty wings
I think she wants out of my pocket
Her pecking is starting to sting
Up, aloof, beyond the sun
She soars so high and perches proud
Inspired, accepted, life is good
The faintest dreams are sung aloud
Far beneath the airborne finch
Desperate cries are heard
She circles slowly, listen now
She hears the cry, but what’s the word?
Trapped, imprisoned are the sparrows
Legs in nets and wings near broken
Bloody beaks sing not of joy
Only sheer pain is spoken
My finch, she pauses for a moment
Up here the sky is so blue
How could she leave it for that mess?
But what else can she do?
She touches down, alert and ready
Wasteland as far as she can see
Down here things sure aren’t pretty
But it’s where she needs to be
A Girl’s Best Friend
Cut an diamond
From a rock
How sheer and crisp
It rests
Each edge perfected
Vastly stunning
Is it brilliance
Majestically asserted, see
It shimmers upon
Velvet bed
But drop that diamond
In the ocean
Let it become dimmed
Pounding waves of
Crushing force
Smooth every corner
Down
Pounded against
Rock and shore
This little jewel
Groans
Sand in its cracks
Oily seaweed
Steals its gleam
Berated and numbed of
Excellence
For when you toss
Gems to the sea
Their preciousness
Is lost
And any opal
Pearl
Or ruby
Looks like
Any other rock
Nature’s Symphony
Take me up to the mountain
To the floods of flowing fountains
Let it rain
Under the fir find shelter
Leaves run helter skelter
Let it snow
Trim the peaks with smothered silence
Attack the valley with ashen vengeance
Let it sun
Victorious, rise up in conquest
Pursued, tumble into the west
Let it storm
Flatted ferns with exhalation
Forked shocks and thundering perspiration
Let it hail
Sleeted sheets not rain nor snow
Frozen orbs, look out below!
Be still
To hold the heavens of passionate weather
To quiet the bird of quivering feather
I do not hold within my grasp
The keys to such forbidden task
Revealed Identity
Will you dance with me?
Tap out this fearful melody
Across the floor of all my dreams
Can you dance with me?
Will you walk with me?
Hand in hand beside the sea
Painting out sweet nature’s themes
Can you walk with me?
Will you laugh with me?
Dispel the darkest insanity
Chuckle at mischievous schemes
Can you laugh with me?
Will you sing with me?
Whistle soft the harmony
Musical scales, crescendoed moonbeams
Can you sing with me?
And will you speak to me?
Whisper dear truths of eternity
Endless phrase and sentence streams
Please, come speak, to me
Freedom’s Songbird
I carry a finch in my pocket
A fragile little thing
She’s not much bigger than a mite
Yet everything makes her sing
Sometimes she chirps so loud
And beats her feisty wings
I think she wants out of my pocket
Her pecking is starting to sting
Up, aloof, beyond the sun
She soars so high and perches proud
Inspired, accepted, life is good
The faintest dreams are sung aloud
Far beneath the airborne finch
Desperate cries are heard
She circles slowly, listen now
She hears the cry, but what’s the word?
Trapped, imprisoned are the sparrows
Legs in nets and wings near broken
Bloody beaks sing not of joy
Only sheer pain is spoken
My finch, she pauses for a moment
Up here the sky is so blue
How could she leave it for that mess?
But what else can she do?
She touches down, alert and ready
Wasteland as far as she can see
Down here things sure aren’t pretty
But it’s where she needs to be
A Girl’s Best Friend
Cut an diamond
From a rock
How sheer and crisp
It rests
Each edge perfected
Vastly stunning
Is it brilliance
Majestically asserted, see
It shimmers upon
Velvet bed
But drop that diamond
In the ocean
Let it become dimmed
Pounding waves of
Crushing force
Smooth every corner
Down
Pounded against
Rock and shore
This little jewel
Groans
Sand in its cracks
Oily seaweed
Steals its gleam
Berated and numbed of
Excellence
For when you toss
Gems to the sea
Their preciousness
Is lost
And any opal
Pearl
Or ruby
Looks like
Any other rock
Nature’s Symphony
Take me up to the mountain
To the floods of flowing fountains
Let it rain
Under the fir find shelter
Leaves run helter skelter
Let it snow
Trim the peaks with smothered silence
Attack the valley with ashen vengeance
Let it sun
Victorious, rise up in conquest
Pursued, tumble into the west
Let it storm
Flatted ferns with exhalation
Forked shocks and thundering perspiration
Let it hail
Sleeted sheets not rain nor snow
Frozen orbs, look out below!
Be still
To hold the heavens of passionate weather
To quiet the bird of quivering feather
I do not hold within my grasp
The keys to such forbidden task
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
What would happen if all of a sudden, I started typing in a different language. I mean, THINK ABOUT IT. And what if i seriously had no idea I was typing in a foreign language. that would be hilarious! And then I'd just be sitting fedadf que gloik vreti pobbu io hagen daz tres isine guilot dunca aluh guten vas gratzi notre por cabayano! haben cette facon el chico?
Isn't it crazy how sometimes God chooses the most random things to teach us lessons? I mean, I'm reading a book right now called The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, and it's such a girl book and I think it's so funny, but there's this little kid in it (ok, she's like 12) and she's really sick and someone asks her what she's afraid of. And her answer totally struck home with what I'M afraid of! It was crazy, and she just worded it so well. And for a 12 year old she was pretty insightful (ok, ok, it's a book, but still :). She said she was afraid of TIME. Afraid that she wouldn't have enough time to do all that she wanted. or that she wouldn't use the time she'd been given to do what really counts in this world.
Holy hot bananas. That's ME!
When I think of this right now, I just get this picture of Christmas time all again. I had asked a few weeks ago that the Lord would totally reveal His gift to me this Christmas. So when I see Christmas right now, this time it's just me and Jesus in the room with the warm fire and comfy couches... and he hands me this gift and I totally tear off the wrapper and look down at a clock. Pretty much just an ordinary, non digital clock, which ticks softly, but confidentally loud enough. I don't say anything because I'm a little confused. I guess I was expecting a box of wisdom, or a gift bag full of joy, or a stocking of faith, or a huge wrapped tweezer to help me remove my thorn... but a... clock?
So i'm looking at it, nodding slightly, thinking "maybe it's got a psycho annoying alarm to make sure I wake up early enough to do devos..." Jesus can see me analyzing the meaning behind the clock and he laughs and takes it from my hands.
"It's TIME, Janelle. It's seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks..."
"Ohh... wow..." I feel pretty stupid
"And I haven't given Time to you to make you feel guilty or stressed. it's not here to nag you to pray or to read your Bible or even to go and minister to others. But I hope you do those things anyway. This clock is to remind you of how short life is... many things you'll only have one opportunity to do. And in giving you this clock, this time, i'm really giving you the chance to have a full, abundant life. so go and live it!"
pickles, what a rush! After seeing this it's like why the fruit am i still at a computer??? Where are the homeless? Where are the hurting? the broken! the lost! or even, where's my bible!? And my guitar... I should call people over to pray! But no joke, like time IS ticking away and we need to take hold (whoa, deja vu of Darren Jones conference :) ) of livin' life full out and dispel all apathy and complacency and laziness. Proverbs talks SO much of people who are procrastinators and lazy and do-nothing-ers... and it's not cool stuff. I need to get moving! Who knows when that clock will pause, shudder, and die out? Who knows how long you or I will be here for? no one but Jesus! But whether I'm here for another 7 seconds or another 700 years, may every single second represent an undivided focus... complete devotion to Jesus and His people. Wow. that's huge. yes Lord! May His wisdom fill you with awe and may we all fall ,once again, in love with Jesus Christ. amen :)
Isn't it crazy how sometimes God chooses the most random things to teach us lessons? I mean, I'm reading a book right now called The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, and it's such a girl book and I think it's so funny, but there's this little kid in it (ok, she's like 12) and she's really sick and someone asks her what she's afraid of. And her answer totally struck home with what I'M afraid of! It was crazy, and she just worded it so well. And for a 12 year old she was pretty insightful (ok, ok, it's a book, but still :). She said she was afraid of TIME. Afraid that she wouldn't have enough time to do all that she wanted. or that she wouldn't use the time she'd been given to do what really counts in this world.
Holy hot bananas. That's ME!
When I think of this right now, I just get this picture of Christmas time all again. I had asked a few weeks ago that the Lord would totally reveal His gift to me this Christmas. So when I see Christmas right now, this time it's just me and Jesus in the room with the warm fire and comfy couches... and he hands me this gift and I totally tear off the wrapper and look down at a clock. Pretty much just an ordinary, non digital clock, which ticks softly, but confidentally loud enough. I don't say anything because I'm a little confused. I guess I was expecting a box of wisdom, or a gift bag full of joy, or a stocking of faith, or a huge wrapped tweezer to help me remove my thorn... but a... clock?
So i'm looking at it, nodding slightly, thinking "maybe it's got a psycho annoying alarm to make sure I wake up early enough to do devos..." Jesus can see me analyzing the meaning behind the clock and he laughs and takes it from my hands.
"It's TIME, Janelle. It's seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks..."
"Ohh... wow..." I feel pretty stupid
"And I haven't given Time to you to make you feel guilty or stressed. it's not here to nag you to pray or to read your Bible or even to go and minister to others. But I hope you do those things anyway. This clock is to remind you of how short life is... many things you'll only have one opportunity to do. And in giving you this clock, this time, i'm really giving you the chance to have a full, abundant life. so go and live it!"
pickles, what a rush! After seeing this it's like why the fruit am i still at a computer??? Where are the homeless? Where are the hurting? the broken! the lost! or even, where's my bible!? And my guitar... I should call people over to pray! But no joke, like time IS ticking away and we need to take hold (whoa, deja vu of Darren Jones conference :) ) of livin' life full out and dispel all apathy and complacency and laziness. Proverbs talks SO much of people who are procrastinators and lazy and do-nothing-ers... and it's not cool stuff. I need to get moving! Who knows when that clock will pause, shudder, and die out? Who knows how long you or I will be here for? no one but Jesus! But whether I'm here for another 7 seconds or another 700 years, may every single second represent an undivided focus... complete devotion to Jesus and His people. Wow. that's huge. yes Lord! May His wisdom fill you with awe and may we all fall ,once again, in love with Jesus Christ. amen :)
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
Wow, i'm making coffee cake right now (did you know that there's actually NO coffee in coffee cake! that, my friends, is deception! :) ) and it's taking a LONG time to cook. so that's why you guys get 2 blogs in one night! Another thing i was going to mention was that i'm so full of questions... like i read something and just TONS of questions come to me! they used to totally confuse me and i'd get frustrated, but now they're more just really spicy challenges... and it's cool! but i was finding that i was so busy that i would just ask all these questions and journal them and then not go and actually find the answers. so to solve my problem... i now read the BIble with a commentary beside me! (most of the time!) seriously, it's SO interesting! Like, you'll be reading something and you'll be like "sorceror"... what does that word actually mean? and then you'll read the little section in the commentary and it'll tell you that that word comes from the word "Pharmakia" which means "the illigitemit distribution of drugs", so a sorceror was, in a sense, a drug dealer. and for me, the Word has just totally come alive with new meanings and such! it's so neat! but not that we should be relying on a commentary for answers all the time. savvy? like, the Bible is the only inspired Book, but sometimes it's totally helpful and you'll read something and it'll be even more meaningful because you truly understand it. :) so yah, that's my 2 cents. i think my cake is done now! hopefully? we'll see!
J Ro
J Ro
Yo! I haven't too much to say, and as it's after 1:00 am i'm sure most of this isn't comprehendable, let along legible :) but i'll try my best!
so basically, i was sitting here just now and was thinking to myself "What has God taught me recently? Where's he pointing things out to me in my life?" and i think more and more He's revealing to me who i am. and who He wants me to be. and how those are similar and how those may have differences. one big thing as i learn who i am, i notice certain personality traits that i don't like. and they're not neccesary BAD traits, but i'll look at them and be like "hmm... i wish i was more outgoing..." or "Gee, i wish i could make everyone laugh"... and "boy, it sure would be nice to laugh all the time" and i become almost disappointed that i'm not those things. and i dunno, like i know that the Lord has crafted me with precision and detail, so i'm thinking that it's almost like shoving the Lord's creation back into His face because it didn't turn out how i'd like it to be. but then again i don't know. i don't think it's wrong to strive to be more boisterous and humourous, etc.
another thing is I think He's let me spend these past couple months dreaming about humongous things, things that there's no way i could accomplish on my own, but are so beautiful at the same time because HE can do them... but now it's like He's saying i've spent enough time at the easel sketching and drawing and dreaming and planning and now
IT'S TIME
i totally feel Him nudging me out the door, saying "look, there it is! The whole world I've given you to use... now let's go and ACCOMPLISH those desires! stop dreamin' and start livin'!"
and it's cool. now i need to wake up every morning and just really remember the shortness of life is... i think i'm gonna dry a flower and put it on my dresser to remind me of how quickly the flowers and beauty and life can wither away and to spur me forward to action and not complacency. yes Lord! i love you guys :)
Jan-L
so basically, i was sitting here just now and was thinking to myself "What has God taught me recently? Where's he pointing things out to me in my life?" and i think more and more He's revealing to me who i am. and who He wants me to be. and how those are similar and how those may have differences. one big thing as i learn who i am, i notice certain personality traits that i don't like. and they're not neccesary BAD traits, but i'll look at them and be like "hmm... i wish i was more outgoing..." or "Gee, i wish i could make everyone laugh"... and "boy, it sure would be nice to laugh all the time" and i become almost disappointed that i'm not those things. and i dunno, like i know that the Lord has crafted me with precision and detail, so i'm thinking that it's almost like shoving the Lord's creation back into His face because it didn't turn out how i'd like it to be. but then again i don't know. i don't think it's wrong to strive to be more boisterous and humourous, etc.
another thing is I think He's let me spend these past couple months dreaming about humongous things, things that there's no way i could accomplish on my own, but are so beautiful at the same time because HE can do them... but now it's like He's saying i've spent enough time at the easel sketching and drawing and dreaming and planning and now
IT'S TIME
i totally feel Him nudging me out the door, saying "look, there it is! The whole world I've given you to use... now let's go and ACCOMPLISH those desires! stop dreamin' and start livin'!"
and it's cool. now i need to wake up every morning and just really remember the shortness of life is... i think i'm gonna dry a flower and put it on my dresser to remind me of how quickly the flowers and beauty and life can wither away and to spur me forward to action and not complacency. yes Lord! i love you guys :)
Jan-L
Sunday, December 28, 2003
Lol, ok, have you guys ever been to quizilla.com? it's hilarious! they have tons of those totally lame but curiously intriuging quizzes you can take... i took a LOTRs one and here's the scoop :P
Congratulations! You're Aragorn!
Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
hahaha... that's no fair! just because i said i liked mud wrestling. it's ironic though because the first time i took it i said i enjoyed candle light dinners and jaccuzis and i was Legolas who was self absorbed and obsessed with my looks and then i went back and saw mud wrestling (didn't notice it at first) and changed it and all of a sudden i'm a complete slob! hahaha... good times.
Congratulations! You're Aragorn!
Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
hahaha... that's no fair! just because i said i liked mud wrestling. it's ironic though because the first time i took it i said i enjoyed candle light dinners and jaccuzis and i was Legolas who was self absorbed and obsessed with my looks and then i went back and saw mud wrestling (didn't notice it at first) and changed it and all of a sudden i'm a complete slob! hahaha... good times.
Thursday, December 25, 2003
woof... where do i start? i guess Merry Christmas? hahaha, but seriously, i hope it rocked for one and all out there. Christmas for me was... good. no, that's a lie. i mean, nothing horribly drastic went wrong... i got the gifts i hoped for, the food was excellent, the hanging out was sweet (err, "spicy" is the new "sweet", eh Kristeen? :) ), and it's happening all again in 2 days when my rellies from the interior come down! hurrah! erm.... i'm sorry, i'm not being sarcastic, really i'm not. i honestly DID enjoy Christmas and i seriously DO love seeing my family and doing the whole kit 'n kaboodle this time a year, but i'm so empty. gosh, i'm empty. more than that, i'm rebellious. and bitter. crap, if there's anything i hate it's when i'm bitter. my thorn has been jammed in me deep, and i guess it's hard not to notice. it's like there's such a battle that wages war in me. Jesus has one arm and Satan has the other and they argue over who gets me. and the frustrating thing is, i'm really not resisting the devil that much. because what he has to offer sometimes seems so worthwhile, so beautiful. but yuck, what an awful, disgusting thing it really is.
hmmm... i feel as though I have a lot more to say, like about daily giving 100%, making a conscious decision to live for Yeshua, and to really honestly DO the things He's placed on my heart to do... but i think i'm gonna take a shower, read le Bible, and be back. hopefully :) talk to you guys soon!
Janelle
"seek the Lord while He may be found..."
hmmm... i feel as though I have a lot more to say, like about daily giving 100%, making a conscious decision to live for Yeshua, and to really honestly DO the things He's placed on my heart to do... but i think i'm gonna take a shower, read le Bible, and be back. hopefully :) talk to you guys soon!
Janelle
"seek the Lord while He may be found..."
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