Hey guys! ok, so i know i'm backtracking a bit, but i feel you deserve a better, more lengthy description of what i've been up to.
----Rewind to October 17th----
So my friend here, Geoff, made me some earrings out of fimo (modelling clay) and i had to stretch my ear lobes (i've got 4 holes total) to get them all to fit. but i love 'em!
today was our day of silence. we're still on the houseboats and every night we "dock" at some place alongside the shore. Today after breakkie we remained anchored and weren't allowed to talk or attempt communication with the other group members until 3pm. so i went for a hike to these waterfalls. sweet beans, they were a-MAZ-ing!
On the way back from the falls God asked if I could hear Him. The birds were singing uber loudly and the waterfall was crazy loud. So I was all like, "yes, of course!". and kept walking. Almost immediately the falls dulled and birds quieted and everything was still and i couldn't hear much, except for far-off noises. The Lord asked me again, "Can you hear Me?"
I paused and knew that He was there in the silence. "Yes, God, I can," I replied.
"No, can you hear Me?" He said once again.
This time I stopped and closed my eyes. And I could hear Him. He was singing. Singing. Singing over me! I was so blown away! It reminded me of Zephaniah 3:17:
"The Lord your God is with you; He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you; He will quiet you with His love. He will rejoice over you with singing."
Score!
He also taught me alot about my pride. Jesus showed me and the group as an entire dogsled team running a race. I wasn't the lead dog, but I was near the front. The Lord said that He's put me close to the front so that I can help the weaker ones. He's trained me for leadership, but I'm misusing and abusing that gift when i treat the rest of the team poorly. What's worse, my pride and misdirection may cause other dogs to trip and fall and on a team as such, if one goes down, many others will fall, and all are affected. God doesn't yoke me with others to boast of my experience, knowledge or strength (because in all honesty, i have and am nothing). I need to let the Spirit teach and lead through me as humbly and gently as possible. And with leadership comes responsibility. So I need to be the first to step up and take the shaft for things that go wrong and I need to be at the very bottom in order to help others climb. It's humbling. and I'm not humble. ouch.
"Search me, Oh God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting" (Ps. 139:23-24)
----Rewind to Oct 19th-----
Day one on the streets. So we met at the YWAM base on Commercial Drive in Vancouver and had a briefing on street missions. Then we were split into groups of 3. I was with Kevin and Megan and our first job was to complete a "scavenger hunt" type deal-io. We had to find out what the price of the cheapest hotel on Hastings was, listen to someone's lifestory, that price of a ticket to Hong Kong, the services available at Carnegie Center, find a soup kitchen to eat at, figure out how much it cost to buy ginger tea, etc.

The first thing we saw, however, was a dead man on the sidewalk. A bunch of police/first aid dudes arrived quickly, but he was almost immediately covered with a sheet. it was sad.

Then we found a Native Medical Clinic and while we were leaning over to look at a sign that told us all the places where lunch was served and what times, this one guy in the line sitting against the wall totally freaked at us. It was kinda hilarious. Converstation as following:
Man: "Hey! Can you give me a little space? You're leaning right over me!"
Janelle: "Oops, sorry about that."
Man: "This is an HIV Positive line ONLY. Do you have AIDS?"
Janelle and Megan: "No."
Man: "And do you WANT that?!? DO YOU?!?!?"
Janelle and Megan and Kevin: "Um... no..."
Man: "GOOD! Now get out of here!!!"
So we left.

Then we walked down this alley and this gu y explained to us the art of breaking into an ATM Machine, one of which was lying in pieces in that very alley. But he didn't lift it, he promised! lol. he did, however, know exactly how the thing was taken apart and all the 20's were jacked. We took the ATM's keypad back as show-and-tell for the rest of the group. The guy also asked Megan if i knew that my track pants were inside-out. She assured him that I did. and they laughed. (*Side note: I was TRYING to look homeless, ok? haha!)

Next we rung the door of this building that looked like it had some Buddhist designs on it. and we were right! It was a Buddhist temple/school. we went inside and looked around. and then a Rev. Lisa came and talked to us for 1/2 an hour! it was really interesting, esp because she mentioned how she grew up Catholic and prayed that God would show her a way to the truth and then she stumbled across this Buddhist temple and how she now can make sense of life and all she knew before, etc. she was really sincere and kind and invited us back, and she left us with a lot to think about.

We went to a Youth Action Clinic. the people there thought we were homeless kids and tried to sign us in and invited us to come to the youth awareness meetings to learn about safe injecting and preventing AIDS and becoming street safe, etc. it was wierd to have someone treat you like you actually were homeless. they were uber nice.

We ate at the Union Gospel Mission. mmmm! (no joke, my muffin was awesome!)

Panhandled on Robson Street. that was harsh. I got hard-core ignored. Some people gave me sympathetic glances, but i made no money. this one guy offered to take me out for coffee tho. but i couldn't leave Megan and Kevin (they were on other corners) and i really didn't need it, so i told him what was really going down.

That night we ate at a place called "Riddim and Spice." it's a Jamaican restaurant on Commercial Drive. we had Jerk Chicken! it was so awesome.

Then we had gelatto for dessert. no joke, we had gelatto 4 times in 3 days! ahhh! but i still love it.

----Rewind to Oct 20th----
Today I was put in a group with Peter and Niki. We picked up garbage on "The Drive" for about an hour. There was this guy selling clothes and other goods under the skytrain bridge. I was cold, and found this sweet grey wool sweater and Ryan (the vendor) sold it to me for $4! score! Then we met up with these 3 native guys on the street (Alan, Duane, and Joseph). we took them for lunch at McDonald's and in the line, Irene (a friend of the 3) walked in, so we bought her a meal too. We all ate there and then Irene's husband, Lionel, came in! So he finished off her meal. These guys were awesome! they talked about their street families and how communal and dependent they all were on one another. Irene told us about her pets: a coyote, a skunk, a raccoon, and rats. except that the skunk left. And one rat just had 2 babies! So she asked us for names. I suggested "Peter" (The real Peter laughed and agreed) and "Elvis" (because they loved talking about famous people, like John Travolta). another funny story, Alan packed away his 2nd cheeseburger and 1/2 his fries up in Joseph's Big Mac box cuz he wanted to save it for dinner. He asked if anyone had a backpack that he could put his burger in for the time being. and i was all like, "um... Alan, you're wearing a backpack" and he was like, "I AM???" and was all excited about that. haha!
They took us to their dumpster behind McD's, but we had to go get back to the YWAM base for the evening. We got SO many hugs, just over and over and over. it was uber amazing. and then Peter asked if we could pray for them. So we did, but when we started, only 3 of them were there with us. by the end of the prayer, the others showed up. and Duane was all like, "Why didn't you invite me to this? I want prayer too, you know!" and Lionel heartily agreed. so we appologized and prayed again. it was the best!

that night we ate at "The Addis Cafe" for Ethiopian food. It was SO AWESOME! then (surprise surprise) we went out for gelatto for dessert! except this place has 390 flavors! they change them daily, so we only saw about 200 of them. but it was insane! they had good flavors, but then some raunchy ones, like curry, rice, chili chocolate, balsamic vinegar, etc.

after that we went back to the base and watched some doc's on real-life stories of prostitutes. my group was Dee, Geoff, and Xena and it was our task to take a rose, walk around the industrial area of Vancouver and pray and then give the rose to a prostitute. it was good. but hard. the saddest thing was seeing the same vehicles circling over and over and the cars had a single man in the front. and lots had car seats in the back. heart-wrenching in the least. we honestly didn't know what to pray. we didn't want to ask that the girls didn't get picked up, cuz then their pimps would beat them mercilessly. but we didn't want to ask that they would get picked up either. gah!

---Rewind to Oct 21st---
Went on a temple tour. Muslim mosque, Buddhist temple, then Sikh temple. I've done a temple tour before, to the exact same places, so it wasn't as interesting as it was the first time i did it. but it WAS good, that's for sure.

And now? I'm at home! Until Monday morning. I've been so blessed already with the amount of people that i've been able to see, so that rocks. But it's psycho late so I should go to bed.
if you want me to write you snail mail, just send me your address (either comment on here or email it to wwjd_veggie_tales@hotmail.com). Here's my address from Oct. 25th-November 13th:
Sunnyside Christian Retreat Center
Janelle Robinson
c/o Outtatown
202 Birchcliff Road
Sylvan Lake, AB
T4S 1R6

Here's my addy from Nov. 14th-Dec. 5th:
Camp Evergreen
Box 492
Sundre, AB
T0M 1X0

mucho love!

hi! wow, ok, i know i PROMISED that i would blog like 2 weeks ago, but alas, our laptop has seizures, i swear. and then we can never get on. so currently i'm on the internet at the hostel we're staying at right now. ok, let me back up a bit...
Sylvan Lake... last week we had Blaine Greiner as our speaker. he was awesome! he talked on relationships and it was really great! and part of his teaching was practical team building stuff, so we did an encouragement night where we all shared the things we love about each other and a prayer night where we all shared things we were dealing with and a floor hockey tourney! i loved the hockey. brought me right back to gr. 11 PE class with all those psycho boys! i was so stoked! so excited in fact, that i do believe that I (yes, i know, hard to believe that gentle, mild Janelle could ever have an agressive bone in her ;)) may have bodychecked a few of my fellow peers hard core into the boards. ouch. but we were all ok! it was so much fun. and then we drove 9 hours to Sicamous (me and the other BC peeps spent so long trying to convince the team that yes, it IS pronouced "sick-a-moose" and not "sick-a-miss") which just happens to be the houseboat capital of canada (cool hey?) and got on 2 boats: the Sunset Drifter and the Ship of Dreams. Get this: TV, DVD player, Play Station 2, hot tubs, 2 bathrooms with showers, a complete kitchen, and beds in rooms for all of us ... on each boat! i think i watched a good 17 hours worth of movies and "Alias" that weekend.
*side note (esp for Christa, Lynz, Kelly, Bekah, and Bree): "Alias" is the "Stargate SG-1" of back home for a few of us. it's AMAZING! this one girl here has the first 2 seasons and we watch usually an episode a night! ahh! we're not addicted :)*
anyway, so it was awesome. there were these amazing waterfalls that we hiked to and all that jazz. and wow, so beautiful. we had a day of silence where we were sent on to the mainland and couldn't talk to anyone. it was good, but i didn't really feel like much was accomplished. it was only a 6 hour silence because of our schedule, but it was still good. we'll have more of those days to come that'll be the whole day.
then we drove to Hope to Camp Kawkawa which is where Site 3 (South Africa) is for the fall, and our male team leader's fiance is one of their girls leader's fiance. whew, that sentence was trippy to write. lol. and yah! so kawkawa for only like 4 hours. i bouldered around in their climbing wall room which rocked. and then 3 hours to Vancouver and we've been staying in (drumroll please) the Ivanhoe! hahaha! it's actually NOT that bad at all. not that divey. oh, except the men here (not our guys, the other residents) always use the girl's bathroom, so us girls always have to stand look out for one another.
we've been working this week with YWAM. it's been SO great! for the first day we lived on the streets and hung out with people and ate at a soup kitchen. i told my friends that my Uncle John (Affleck) worked at the Union Gospel Mission and they went in there and talked to him and ended up vollunteering! cool hey? it was funny cuz i got my meal from the UGM that day and when i got to the front and Karis and Tabitha passed me my muffin and bread i was like "wha?" and laughed. it was sweet. then on Tuesday we cleaned up garbage onthe streets. gosh, my time is almost up, but i'll try to put as much as i can down.
we met these 3 native guys and took them out for mc donald's. then these 2 others showed up so we bought them food too. and we spend almost 2 hours with them! it was awesome! they were so cool! and just so real and open and honest and fun. i'll write more later, or ask me in person :)
then last night we did a prayer walk and handed out roses to prostitutes. that was harsh. so many of the girls are SO young and they are all so skinny and look so desperate and sick and... gah, it was hard. again, more later.
yesterday morn we had some time off so we skytrained it to metrotown to shop. wohoo! so many of the girls here are using their student loans for spending money. lol, it's kind of funny, but it might hit them hard later. one girl has given me her debit card and said that i have to "approve" all her purchases. but really, i have no power. she's like "Janel (rhymes with "anal" .. just because. we all have nicknames), i really really love this hat" and i'm like "Xena (real name is CHristine, but there's another Kristine with us), you can't afford it. and you've already got one like it." and then she tells me to shove it and hand over her card or she'll beat me up. so i give it over, because she played rugby AND was a wrestler! lol. it's awesome.
today we did a temple tour, just like the one we do in Christian perspectives at school. we did Buddhist, Muslim, and Sikh. it was pretty nifty :)
what else? tomorrow is PMG (Peer mentoring group... 4 of us in groups that meet every week to hang out and pray and whatev) day and so me, Xena, Pan (Raeanne) and Julia are hanging out from 10-6. it's a surpise what we're doing. it'd be nice to go to Stanley Park or Granville Island tho, but we may have an assignment to do, so we'll see how it goes.
and THEN... i'm coming home for the weekend! no joke! my friend Jo is dropping me off at one of the exits on the way to Chilliwack and i'll be home until early Monday morn. so call me! let's hang out! all of you! i really must go, but i can't wait to see you guys this weekend. things are good. peace to all!
J

hey guys! i haven't been on here in a while, but i'll do my best to whip myself into shape :)
ok! so... things here in AB are AWESOME! the weather has been perfect and we've got a really pretty view of the lake thru the trees and the sun sets over it and gah! so nice :) (or soya nice as we all say out here)
I had thanksgiving dinner last weekend in Manitoba over homestay and we get it again tomorrow! score!
out speaker this week was Bill Pegg. He's from Abbotsford and goes to Fresh Wind. He spoke on listening prayer. it was awesome :)
We're heading into calgary today for a few hours. it's about an hour and 15 min drive from here.
was just alerted that it's time for lunch! taco salad and burritos! sweet deal. i'll try to come on tomorrow to finish this up. you guys deserve more :)
Music i'm into right now:
Kristine Martin... she's awesome! Go buy her CD!
Books: just read Angue, thongs, and full-frontal snogging and All American girl (yay Lindsay! there's a girl here who loves the same books we do!). those 2 were awesome. gotta run! mucho love!

hey folks,
jEF, i can't seem to post on your blog for some reason. but i loved your yesterday's entry. totally what i've been feeling... just wanting to experience completely everything in this world. to see the footprints our Creator made when He danced His Spirit over this earth. remarkable.
Man, today was an interesting day. to be perfectly honest, it sucked. I've always commented that i'd way rather be physically broken than emotionally broken, but today's horrendous back, neck, and leg pain could have rallied its way up there with heartaches and that sorta stuff. and then i went to the doctor's (for a different reason than the aches I had during the day) and i found out that i have a heart murmer and maybe some other stuff. It's like, just before I leave on this outdoor adventure wilderness challenging athletic program in less than a month my body takes a brutal beating. And then I have to go for x-rays, blood tests, a echo thing, and an ultrasound. i've been praying that God would give me too much to handle so that I HAVE to rely on Him. i've got a bad case of foot-in-mouth disease. and once again He's reminded me of 2 Corinthians 12... Paul's thorn in his flesh. May I learn to delight in these trials. Me of little faith...

..."To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Hey all. so this is what happens when i haven't blogged in a while. i do one and then 2 hours later i'm all like "ooh, i have more to add!" and do another one. so bear with me :)
So we took these personality tests last year and this past year in school and in gr. 11 i was all like "they can't put me in a box!" and "this won't tell me who i am!" and all that jazz. and then i ate my words as the results pretty much summed me up! it was hilarious. but not that a personality test can tell you who you are because it CAN'T, but the point is I went back and read the long blurb again a couple weeks back and i was like, "shoot, i AM like that, aren't i?". and one of the things that God's been teaching me is that I have put too much faith in people. now don't get me wrong, I love people and i think we were meant to live in community and bless each other and work with each other and hold each other accountable. but i think i've been in the wrong by holding people up to standards that no one can meet except Jesus and then being bloody let down because of it. I know in my life that i've let down every person I know and that every person I know has let me down. and that's how it's gonna be, unfortunately. but yah, Jesus has just accentuated the reason as to why HE needs to be the one to fulfill me and not merely my friends because although they are wonderful, they won't ever know me completely or be able to speak to me exactly as i need it or fill that void. and i think i've also thought that my husband will do that too. that He'll be like Jesus to me. that He'll fulfill all my deepest longings and desires and dreams and He'll say the right things and do the right things and just make me complete. wrong! ouch. poor guy. I long for people to ask questions of me, I long to be known and loved and to know and to love, but i need to see people as they are: sinful and struggling. just as i am. just as we all are. there's a chasm in me that i've tried to fill with so much that isn't Christ and recently it's been friends. and know what i've discovered? i have some pretty kick-booty friends! i honestly am SO blessed and encouraged by so so so many people! but i need to stop asking them to complete me. it's certainly not fair to them (eep, sorry guys!) and it's not their place to fulfill me. So a hearty YEE-HAW out there to all you guys who have been so amazing and patient and loving with me, and know that I deeply love and appreciate you all so very much; and to You, Lord... again, I'm sorry. may I never let another take Your place in me again.
you guys all are my superheroes... but Jesus is the most super :)

Hey folks! It's been a while, hey? I keep learning new things and being all like "wooo, i should put that on my blog!" and then forgetting or running out of time. But here i am, finally!
So my new quest? Discover what God's justice looks like and then to live it. Seriously, every sermon, every passage, every little diddly that i've heard recently has been about justice. it's crazy, but so cool. and i'm reading in Isaiah, which "coincidentally" (yah right) is all about justice too! And i guess i've always known that Yahweh is just and all, but if you asked me to make a list of the qualities of Jesus i'd start with loving, father-like, compassionate, faithful, teacher, brother, etc. and i'd put "just" on there, but I've never really seen the Lord as a judge, or displaying righteous justice, even though that's what He does. So i'm not sure if He's revealing more of His nature to me in all these scriptures and messages about being just, or if maybe He wants me to really delve into what it means to be quick to rush to bring justice to the circumstances around me. I just don't really know... But it's got me thinking... I mean, I don't really totally completely know yet what I want to do with my life. I have dozens of dreams and have been asking for more, but something that recently popped into my mind was bringing justice to the oppressed. literally. i mean actually. or whatever :) but seriously, to like be a lawyer for those who can't afford lawyers. for those who are already sentenced to death. for those who can't speak up for themselves or are outcasts in society and branded as a "drain on the population." that, my friends, who be soooo awesome. But i'm not sure if that's what He wants me to do. Oh, and reading Isaiah 58 and 59... i won't write them all out, but they are AMAZING. no joke, READ THEM. it's so big! Here's Isaiah 58:
True Fasting
1 "Shout it aloud, do not hold back. Raise your voice like a trumpet. Declare to my people their rebellion and to the house of Jacob their sins.
2 For day after day they seek me out; they seem eager to know my ways, as if they were a nation that does what is right and has not forsaken the commands of its God. They ask me for just decisions and seem eager for God to come near them.
3 'Why have we fasted,' they say, 'and you have not seen it? Why have we humbled ourselves, and you have not noticed?' "Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please and exploit all your workers.
4 Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife, and in striking each other with wicked fists. You cannot fast as you do today and expect your voice to be heard on high.
5 Is this the kind of fast I have chosen, only a day for a man to humble himself? Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed and for lying on sackcloth and ashes? Is that what you call a fast, a day acceptable to the LORD ?
6 "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?
7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter- when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I. "If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday.
11 The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.
12 Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.
13 "If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath and from doing as you please on my holy day, if you call the Sabbath a delight and the LORD's holy day honorable, and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,
14 then you will find your joy in the LORD , and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob." The mouth of the LORD has spoken.

enough said.

Happy summer days, guys! It's been so gorgeous and I've loved it! When was the last time I posted? hmm... not sure, so I just might recount past events you already know about. Please bear with me :)
Ok, so after exams I worked at the Craigs' (Jason, Jordan, Josh, etc, not Halael's family) with Laura and Christa doing some weeding. And then I went to Timberline. I was expecting a good week but NOTHING compared to how awesome it really ended up being! Seriously, it was so good. I was a wrangler (and I'm going back on Sunday to do 2 more weeks of wranglin'. yehaw!) and so I worked with the horses and with the kids riding horses all day long. Our day started at 5:45 am some morns and 6:45 others (depending if I was on morn feedings or not).  And then we ended at about 5:30-6pm every night. Then we'd have dinner and if there was a game in the evenings we helped being the bad guys or the hidden agents (lol, or whatever we were supposed to be). And usually there'd be some sort of wrangler or staff devo later on. and then there was campfire (which is oh so much fun! for seriously, i had a blast :)). and then lights out are at 11:00.  So right away I'm all like "poo, how am I supposed to find time for me and God?" so I started praying about it. and man, in all honesty I didn't spend that much time just one-on-one with Jesus that week, but He taught me SO much in all that went on. Like, all the morning staff devos and the evening wrangler devos and the late-night devos... EVERYTHING that was talked about in those times was EXACTLY what i needed to hear! I think Jesus was just telling me to soak everything up. and boy did I ever! gosh, it was like every word was directed RIGHT at me. I left so many of those community times either on the verge of tears, or already with them pouring down my cheeks. so good... so beautiful. And yah, not that I should ever replaced my quiet time with the Lord with other stuff, but I've been desperate for community for so long and beans, I think we get a taste of Heaven when we share ourselves with other believers. And i saw how close Jesus is when it's a group of broken believers. Man, brokenness is such a place where I'm at. Broken, yet stubborn. I was listening to Dido in the car on the way back from Vernon on Monday and there's this one song... here, I'll write it out. It's called "This Land Is Mine."
 
from behind these walls I hear  your song, oh sweet words
the music that you play lights up my world
the sweetest that I've heard
could it be that I'v ebeen touched and turned, oh Lord please
finally, finally things are changing
 
this land is mine but I'll let you rule
I'll let you navigate and demand
just as long as you know, this land is mine
so find your home and settle in
oh I'm ready to let you in
just as long as we know, this land is mine
 
after all the battles and wars, the scars and loss
I am still the queen of my domain
and feeling stronger now
the walls are down a little more each day, since you came
finally, finally times are changing
 
this land is mine but I'll let you rule
I'll let you navigate and demand
just as long as you know, this land is mine
so find your home and settle in
oh I'm ready to let you in
just as long as we know, this land is mine 
 
for all the days I've travelled alone
in this cold and colourless place till now
it's what I had to pay
 
this land is mine but I'll let you rule
I'll let you navigate and demand
just as long as you know, this land is mine
so find your home and settle in
oh I'm ready to let you in
just as long as we know, this land is mine 

I don't really know how to add to this. sometimes I hate taking a song and potentially twisting the author's original meaning to fit where I'm at. but seriously, she sounds like me. like, I'm at the place where I'm telling God that He's the one who's brought me this far, He can rule, and that He can make His home in me. Check yourself, Janelle... with those words of "surrender", I'm still saying, "But it's my life. I'm still queen. Don't forget that." I long to enter into His presence and truly completely surrender. to the point even maybe where things have to spin insanely out of control just so i am aware that I can't crown Him King but refuse to get off my throne. Praise Him for His patience with me, amen?
 
 
 

Hey guys... this is the order in which i wrote these songs. After looking at both of them I realize that it would "make more sense" to write them with "On His Hand" after "Scattered Pieces", but that's not how it played out in real life. so here goes :)

"On His Hand"
A mighty river flows
Washing away filthy remains
A beaming sun does rise
Flooding the fields with light

Do you not see
The mysteries around you?
Can you not feel
His presence in the win?

Like the stars
Winking in the skies
Like the waves
Beating on the sand
Your very name
Is written on His hand

He loves you so
More than you could ever know
He holds you dear
And whispers softly in your ear
Come to Me, My darling
Come to Me
Come to Me, My darling
Come to Me
Come
I'll set you free

"Scattered Pieces"
I never wanted to be like me
What went wrong along the way?
My spirit groans in misery
Will I one day be okay?

Every piece has been scattered
With a wretched, lonely prayer
I beg You, help me to discover
Why the depth of this dispair?

Set me free from who I am
So I can be released in Thee
Set me free from what I do
So I can do Your will for me
Let me flee from my disgrace
So in Your grace I find myself
Broken at Your feet

How could You take me back again?
See I'm just a shameful whore
Yet I find myself once more
Uncovered, shaking at Your door

Set me free from who I am
So I can be released in Thee
Set me free from what I do
So I can do Your will for me
Let me flee from my disgrace
So in Your grace I find myself
Broken at Your feet


I was with a friend last night and we were floating down the river, totally in awe at how pretty BC is, when we started talking about our futures and anticipations and fears. It dawned on me that I'm afraid of many things.

I'm afraid of rejection. Afraid of being real, and afraid that I'm fake. Afraid of searching too hard for the truth in case my realities have always been lies. Afraid of remaining who I've become and not being able to change. But afraid of change. I fear my fear... I fear that it will hold on to me and I'll never move beyond myself. I fear that I'm so inward-focused that I'll never be able to truly love others. I fear that my dreams, the ones that captivate and draw me, are mockers.

Discipline... i've been thinking alot about the training i am to receive from God in certain areas of my life to discipline me so that I can stand strong during these fears and struggles. And He has been training me and it's cool! but sometimes it hurts... and I just got this picture of me being the clay in the Lord's hands and I'm begging Him to shape me and mold me into His child and so He starts pressing and kneading me (the clay) and really mashing me up. and I'm all like "hey, wha? beans, what the heck are you doing? stop! this hurts!" and God says, "You want to be shaped by me, so you've gotta be softened up a little first. Trust Me."
i guess i just gotta learn sometimes :) love you all

interesting day... I realized last night that me and Jesus hadn't had a date for a while. so we set one for today, at this old abandoned barn that I discovered a few years back. I have to take a trail (that's pretty abandoned also) behind my house for about 15 minutes and then you come to another wider bike trail and then the barn/shed is off in the bush a bit. It's soooo quiet and sooo beautiful and peaceful and perfect there. so needless to say I was eager, not only to spend time with God, but also to return to our secret place which I haven't been to since the fall. So you can imagine my horror, surprise, disappointment, bitterness, frustration, shock ... [add any other expressive adjectives here] when I get up to the bike trail and it's nearly completely demolished and uneven because of large machinery tracks! Not only that but there were huge huge huge piles of dirt and filler where a line of trees used to stand. and the worst part? the path to my barn was now blocked by two big red boxes that read "DANGER: Explosives" and signs that said "NO TRESPASSING. $500 fine."

what the bloomin' bloomers.

arg! guys, this was one of my favorite places in the whole world! Me and my dog (and sometimes Kjer and other friends) would come up here and pray and laugh and take pictures and just enjoy the beauty. Me and Jesus would talk and cry and His presence was always so vivid there. i cried. i honestly did. and there was GARBAGE, like McDonald's crap all over too. who does that? and also, bear poo. it seems so lost, so forsaken (ok, it's a pile of crap, but still, it shows that bears still live there! and I bet they're more confused and hurt than I.) so i left. I took 232nd home instead of the trails because they were a little treacherous coming up (especially after that "tornado" yesterday! bloomin' blazes!) I went and sat in our boat in our tree shack instead and read and prayed. my friends... wow. Praise the Lord. in everything, all the time, for whatever reason! He's so worthy! I recounted my dreams to Jesus today. There's so much that is on my heart that I wanna do, but at this point in my life I don't know how to get out and actually live out those dreams. So I asked God why I had these dreams and what He'd do with them if i surrendered them to Him in faith. and it was so cool! He was like "I'll take them and multiply them and take you to the ends of the earth to fulfill them!"

there was so much more... like I was reading the Psalms and singing them and it was so cool. But then I started feeling like such a failure. And just how I've been such a moron to Kjerstin recently... for no real (or at least legit) reason! But gosh, it was just like pools of grace. and tears. and more grace... so much grace. And Jesus told me how He wants me to be real. no pretending. i need to be in full realization of my failures and my shortcomings and then REST IN HIS MERCIES. it's bloody OK to be a screw-up. because we all are. and the reason why so many of Jesus' followers were public outcasts is because they recognized their sin and let Him nail it on the cross. who knows, maybe that religious Saduccee struggled with lust or evil thoughts, but had been told that as a leader he must appear completely spotless. His desire to seem perfectly pious led to so many lies and cover-ups and he became fake. ugh. i hate the idea that i could be fake. sure, ok, i shouldn't go overboard and write "Following ALL of Janelle's actions, thoughts, words and motives in the past 18 1/2 years" and hand it out where ever I go (sounds a little insane, but i am one of extremes... :) ). but at the same time I want to be real with everyone. especially Jesus. and it's humbling... and hard... and I'm not there yet. but wow, He's so good, hey? Man, here's Psalm 113. It moved me so much today. Rest in His grace, my friends.

Praise the Lord.
Praise, O servants of the Lord,
praise the name of the Lord.
Let the name of the Lord be praised,
both now and forevermore.
From the rising of the sun to the
place where it sets,
the name of the Lord is to be
praised.
The Lord is exalted over all the
nations,
his glory above the heavens.
Who is like the Lord our God,
the One who sits enthroned on
high,
who stoops down to look
on the heavens and the earth?
He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from teh ash
heap;
he seats them with princes,
with the princes of their people.
He settles the barren woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
PRAISE THE LORD! (Ps. 113)

From Leslie Ludy's "Authentic Beauty":
"Just as there is a marked distinction between memorizing the definition of a rose and actually holding one in your hand, there is a huge difference between saying you know Jesus Christ and truly experiencing Him as your true Prince, your Hero, and the One you give up everything just to be with..."
Let us be a generation that pushes through the mediocre lifestyle of hypocrisy! I want to truly experience this world and this relationship with my Lord. I long for God to take me deeper with Him than He's ever taken anyone! And not because I'm more important, more worthy, or more in tune with Christ, because I would be the least worthy of that sort of intimacy. But because it is possible, I want to run for it. Because He gave it all to be with me, I want to really know what it's like to suffer for Jesus, to walk daily in His presence and to really really really let Him set me free. There's so much about surrendering that I need to learn to do...
In the past couple days I've really been hit hard with the importance of relationships. And I know i've talked about this many times before, but I know it's something that my Master wants to secure in me. I want to be a listener and an encourager and someone who, despite outside circumstances, or even though I'm late for class or have something "really important" to do that I would drop everything in a second to sit down and be Jesus to someone, anyone! Like, when it's crunch crew time, what remains? Not grades, not scholarships, not money, not any of my matieral goods... just people. Man, there's another quote that totally describes our society and even the selfishness of my soul:
"They said that they had noticed among us some gorged to the full with things of every sort while their other halves were beggars at their doors, emaciated with hunger and poverty. They found it strange that these poverty-stricken halves should suffer such injustice and that they did not take the others by the throat or set fire to their houses."
Justice... again and again that phrase has entered my mind.
"He has shown you, oh man, what is good and what the Lord requires of you: to do justice and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." (Micah 6:8)
Gosh... I want to be an advocate for those who cannot speak for themselves... for those who have no say... for those who are guilty, but still need to know His love, just as I need to know it. Jesus, send me to the nations as an ambassador for You! Let me lose myself in others! Strip me completely of all my selfish ambitions and desires and set in me a heart of compassion and a spirit of service. Let me KNOW You! Captivate my restless soul once again.

I desire mercy, not sacrifice...
I know not what this means. Or I guess I do, but I don't know how it looks. How to live it. There is so much I do not know. So much has happened in my life recently, but I think I've left God out of most of it. I don't want this to be a complaining blog however. But I'll just spew. Here goes.

Crap, how do I LIVE Christ? Like, life can go on for me and I can get up early and earnestly seek the Lord and talk to Him throughout the day, fellowship with other believers, worship Him, and even pour myself out before Him in tears and... nothing. Then I can have a day where I don't get up early, I really don't talk to Him that much, I don't spend any time talking about Him with friends or praying and... nothing. Seriously, I find it hard to discipline myself to get to know Him when it honestly doesn't seem to make any difference at all. Sure, there are TONS of things in my life that I need to give up and let Him destroy. And I offer them to Him. and I offer them to Him. and I surrender. and I surrender. and nothing changes. So I guess now i'm in a place of rebellion. It's easier for me to to hold on to my "golden calf." It's too emotionally and mentally and spiritually destructive otherwise. NOTHING BLOODY CHANGES. I feel like I'm fooling myself when I tell people (or myself) that my God is a healing God. I can't explain why He doesn't always heal or why some people don't experience Him or feel Him. But something in me explodes with passion to know Him and to have others know Him too. Every night I pray that I would see the Lord in dreams. EVERY NIGHT. Every morning I ask to see Him during that day, or to have divine appointments with people, or to walk in the Spirit constantly. EVERY MORNING. and every day I beg to be free, I place all my worries and fears on Him, and offer myself up as a living sacrifice to be used as His ambassador. EVERY DAY. and nothing changes. nothing. bloody. changes. So for the past... mmm... maybe 5 days I haven't. I haven't sought Him wholeheartedly, surrendered all of me, or worshipped Him lovingly. And wanna know what really gets me? Nothing changed. I mean, I've asked so many times that I would have a relationship with Jesus where I NOTICE when I haven't read my Bible or talked to Him because my day sucks, my attitude sucks, or I just feel off. It's heartwrenching when nothing changes either way. When I don't notice it. I feel like I've given and poured so much of me into knowing Christ and ... nothing. Crap, I hate saying that. Because I KNOW it's not true. But i refuse to live a partial life with the Lord! It's gotta be ALL or nothing. and more than anything i long for it to be completely consuming and fulfilling, but again, to be honest, other things are fulfilling me in life. I need to be brought to a place where I HAVE to rely on Him, I guess. oh, i don't know what I need. There's this verse that says "Seek the Lord while He may be found" and so often I wonder if He isn't to be found by me. Like, He's there, but ... nothing. I don't know how to live.
And all these different theologies... don't even get me started :)
"If you follow my teachings, then you are truly my disciples. Then you will know the TRUTH and the TRUTH will set you free." (mark 8:34)
thanks guys for listening :)

-exerpt from mine and Jesus' morning convo-

God: "I tell you, NOW is the time of God's favour, NOW is the day of salvation!" (2 Corinthians 6:2)

Me: Yes Lord! Man, my spirit groans within me... I present myself as a living sacrifice, but for some reason I keep crawling off the altar! I long for 100% total devotion, but my interests are so divided... my focus is blurred and I've become so worldly.

God: "No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs--she wants to please her commanding officer" (2 Tim. 2:4) And also, "What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For you are the temple of the living God!" (2 Cor. 2:16)

Me: Man, I'm the temple of THE LIVING GOD, yet I stumble in following Him because I'm disctracted by my armful of idols. Father, bring me to that place of undivided focus! I miss You... the REAL You. I want to experience ALL of You! The sufferings and trials, the intercession, the miracles, the worship, the glory, the fellowship and community, the power, and the righteousness!

God: "Rather, as a servant of God, you commend yourself in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weaposn ofrighteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonour, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, yet possessing everything. (2 Cor. 6:4-10)

Me: I want to be a freedom fighter and advance on the gates of hell, retrieving the lost and bringing them into the Kingdom! Set the captives free ... yes, Lord. I want to proclaim the Good News to all the nations.

God: "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news..." (Romans 10:15)

Me: I want to be able to give all that I have and am to the poor, the widows, the broken, the orphans, the outcasts.

God: "The Spirit of the Lord is on you, because He has anointed you to preach good news to the poor. He has sent you to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favour." (Luke 4:18-19)...

Let It Be.

"As God has said, 'I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be My people." (2 Cor. 6:17)

why must we obey that which we don't understand? i cannot see the result of my actions. i cannot look at my whole life as a map of winding roads and destinations, swamp lands and highways, mountain ranges and rocky beaches... I don't know where roads lead and paths connect. i'm glad i don't! i like life as an adventure.
sometimes i don't like being set apart. especially recently. it makes me confused and hurt and bitter and frustrated and emotional. but i know there's soooo much more that God's got planned for me, that I can't even see.
"those who obey my teachings are truly My disciples..." (Mark 8:34a)
I've never really pictured obedience as paramount in my walk with God. i mean, sure, it's there and there are things that I do and think later that i disobeyed Him, but just things like flipping out at my mom, or being a jerk to a friend, or wasting my time here on earth. but like, i don't really hear from God, so I never know day-to-day, what He wants me to do. so obedience for me is just more like trying to live each day under a shroud of worship and surrender my problems and worries to Him. so i long to actually hear His voice directing me where to go and what to do. but when that voice comes, am I too leery to trust and obey? hmm..

Oh Jesus, may the whole earth rise up in worship to You! May the trees dance and the birds dive and the creatures cry out. You said that if we stopped praising You the rocks would open up and praise You because Your creation cannot be silent before Your awesomeness.

"God, let me never let the rocks cry out louder than the voice You've given me! As long as I have breath to breathe, my lips with sing Your praise. Until the day in glory when I find the sweetest melody with words to rhyme, as long as I have breath to breathe, i will sing Your praise."

take me. break me. shape me. remake me. direct me. lead me.

for Your glory! You are so beautiful! Be ever near, sweet Messiah... Abba Father... je vous aime

1 John 4:18... perfect love

thanks Jesus for the little blessings each day...
like today, for example! I woke up, and lo, it was morning. But hark, it was sunny! And behold, it was also about 20 minutes earlier than I usually rise! I read 2 Peter 2 this morning and it was good. There's this one verse I remember and it goes "make every effort to add to your faith, goodness; and to goodness, faithfulness; and to faithfulness; self-control. In addition to that self-control, perseverence; and to perseverence, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love."
Man, it all comes back to love, hey? I didn't even really know that WE, in and of ourselves, COULD "add to our faith"... but maybe following Christ is 100% trusting Him and 100% personal effort?
someone told me yesterday that they've come once again to the point where they realized that all they really really want in life is to know Christ, but that they've put zero energy into the whole relationship part. Like, they just expected that once they believed, they'd automatically grow closer. i totally fall into that too... just being lazy and all like "meh, my place is secured in Heaven" and then just sorta shrugging off actually
getting
to
know
our
Lord.

[commercial break to let that sink in]

so back to more of today's blessings:
and so because I was up earlier, i was able to walk to the barn instead of drive. and indeed i did. and the weather is fantabulous! and then at the barn I even had time to quickly brush my horse and pick some plops from his paddock (whew, say that 10 times fast! :)). and i dunno, it wasn't that i had a major spiritual experience, but it made me want to get up earlier EVERY morning, just so that i can have time to wake up and enjoy Jesus in His glorious creation.
and THEN i get to school and forsooth, there be-eth only 4 of us in French 12 instead of our usual 8. pourquoi? ah, because the others are on a Geography field trip, hiking and stuff! (lucky bean curds) But our wonderful teacher was like, "well, i won't give you any more french work.. just catch up on whatever you want to!" and so i did some french and then watched the Physics class destroy a computer with hammers to retrieve the cathode ray nodes something-or-else-thinga-hoojits from inside. that was classic :) they broke ALL of the safely warnings on that thing!
and just now, as I sit in the library, my eyes lit upon the kids book section where they get info for doing reports on animals. well, i honestly was unsure entirely what Prairie Dogs were and where they live, what they eat, etc, etc, so I picked up a "Nature's Children: Prairie Dogs" book and read it! and it was cool! I want to be a Prairie Dog! or at least live like one. here's an excerpt:

"If the prairie dog sees nothing to disturb it, it tilts its head back and makes a few short, sharp sounds, or chirks. With each chirk [btw, what the beans is a "chirk"???] its tail quivers and sems to signal 'all clear!' Soon more prairie dogs come out of their homes. They greet each other with kissing and nuzzling. When morning greetings are over, the business of the day begins. The prairie dogs feed busily, bask in the sun, take dust bathes, visit neighbours or wash themselves."

sounds pretty good to me! but yah, i guess i really don't have much more to say... i'd like to pray more with people. i haven't done that recently and i really miss it. and i think one day i would love to live in a community that's just like a prairie dog town!
Right now i'm into:
music: Dido (Mary's in India, Don't Leave Home), oldies, anything that's NOT from The Sound of Music :)
food: try Turtle Cheesecake, my friends!
smells: sunny morning air, and my baby cousin's hair
books: Jillian Jiggs... reliving that childhood, baby!
Bible story: The Israelites winning that battle because Moses held his hands up the whole time... sweet action

Here I lie
Naked before Your eyes
No robe
No rags
No peace

Nothing to hide
I stand before You tall
Nothing to give
I pull my pockets out in shame

I am not hot
And I am not cold
Awed by Your mystery
Yet deafened to Your call
Bone-weary and dry
Yet nearly satisfied
With the world in one hand
Stroking the cross with the other

My soul is chiming dissonance
No sweet harmonies
How do I completely surrender
When I'm not sure I want to be free?

and then i read colossians 1:1-14
I want to be holy, faithful. Loving my brothers and sisters. Faith springing up from hope.
What is in store for me in Heaven? What have I already heard about the word of truth? Has the Gospel come to me? Yet globally this Gospel bears fruit! Oh, how it grows, too! Does it grow among us, my friends? Do we understand God's grace in all its truth? Let us love in the Spirit, and never stop praying. Pray to be filled with the knowledge of His will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding, that we'd live a life worthy of the Lord--I want to be worthy of Him!--and may please Him in every way (such as bearing fruit in every good work and growing in the knowledge of God adn being strengthened so we can endure trials with patience, joy and thanksgiving. He's qualified me to share in the inheritance of His Kingdom.
wait, let's repeat that: He's qualified me to share in the inheritance of His Kingdom
hello? wake up, Janelle! why does this not consume my being? why is it not the most amazing thing I've heard all day? man, i have passion, but i think it's being outletted in the wrong ways...
What is this "heir-hood" all about? Freedom from death's dark dominion! Wait, am I free? what IS free? can anyone really be truly free?
And passage into His Kingdom! (but again, what IS this Kingdom? is it here, among us? is it yet to come and already been?) Redemption. Forgiveness. Man, I want to be one of our King's most faithful and obedient knights (err... or lady, i guess :) ) Who IS this King of glory?

wow, tis been a long time. impishly long. i'd like to meet a leprechaun. quirky little fellas, i bet. anyway...

man, this week has been a chapter of Hell. but at the same time it's been so good. i have so much pride that i don't even realize it until I've done or said something completely foolish. God's been teaching me so many little things, through so many friends. my thoughts are so completely random and i've about 3 and a quarter dozen things running through my mind at once in the past week or so that when i even try to sit and think rationally or pray or even just talk with someone, i feel like i'm running on auto-pilot and the batteries are fading quick. beans, that's a gross feeling.

I think i need to ask 27 or so people's forgiveness... i've been so crabby and snotty and just a super crap jerk recently, for no real reason! i just want to please Christ. My heart feels beat up so much too... even from the Lord. like, so many prayers that i haven't seen acknowledgement from Him, let alone answers one way or the other. i think i need to be hit again with the simplicity yet intricate awesomeness of the Gospel. of the incarnation. lotsa prayer for that... especially now that it's coming up to easter. anyway, if you want to know more, grab me in the calls, or call me, folks! (463-7430). i'd love to write more, but Joel's sleeping in the computer room tonight so i gotta jetison. love. lovelovelovelovelovelovelove. amen.

Hey dudes and dudettes! what is up?
you know what's so cool, but at the same time kinda bittersweet? I've been praying alot recently that the Lord would help me to get up early and read the bible and pray. and it's totally be working! in that I don't get outta bed until i've prayed for a couple minutes and read a few chapters. except i can't for the LIFE of me really remember what it is that i've read. i hang out with Jesus at night too, right before bed, but i like the whole "first thing in the morning" thing where it's the start of the day. i mean, how lame is being all like "yah, and uh, i dedicate this day I just had to you and surrender all of me unto You to be used for Your glory... tomorrow?" lol.. i've seriously said that before. like, known how much more focused and alert I am at night so devoted myself for the next day. and don't get me wrong, I think that I kinda need to be in constant reminder of being devoted, so it's a good thing, but at the same time, I want to notice a difference in my day when I don't spend quality time with Christ in the morning. and i mean QUALITY time... i know I'm not there yet. i think i'm gonna start praying for that though... that I'd really really see a change in the days I hang out and surrender first thing and the days I don't. apparently it takes 40 consecutive days to form a habit. but they never really tell you the other statistic--it only takes one day to break it! I think during this Lentish time for me the Lord is calling me to REALLY use it to make some good habits. ooo, it reminds me of that verse in Romans... gimme a sec, lemme find it...
---------I N S E R T -- J E O P A R D Y -- M U S I C -- H E R E -------------------------------------
ahh, most excellent. here it be... not Romans, 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 :)
"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that WILL last forever! Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it a slave so that after I have preached to others, I myeslf will not be disqualified for the prize"....
and there's also 1 Tim 4:8
"For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for ALL things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come!"
cool hey?? I mean, this life we live with Christ is awesome, but it takes discipline! i honestly love the feel of training for something, working hard to achieve goals, whether physically or training Billie (my horsie :) ) or in school or whatever! i love it! but it surely does take effort on my part. and that's what it'll take to have a feast with Christ every morning! that and a heaping tablespoon of his grace :)
Wow, another thing He's been teaching me is about blessing people. you know how like, Jacob got Esau's blessing from Isaac? those blessings were powerful! I'm reading The Final Battle by C.S. Lewis and people can actually, like, curse other people! it's like praying to Satan! doesn't that freak you out? it totally shouldn't though because Jehovah is oh so much more powerful, but curses and blessings DO affect people! God's totally been pushing me to pray for people with blessings! like not just "bless so-and-so" but like, the way they blessed people in the old testament! yah... He's so cool :) anyway, i need to get some ZZZZZZZZ's, so i'll see y'all later!
yay for Esperanza! Pray pray pray sooo much into it! Pray and believe and then expect the richest of the blessings and wonders from our Lord Jesus while we're there! Pray for miracles! for wonderous, miraculous, mind-boggling experiences! all to Him,
Janella
"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every though and make it obedient to Christ!" 2 Cor. 10:5

g'day all!
wow, JessL, great stuff you talked about. I must say, that career fair was super boring, but the best part? skipping out of it and walking around downtown a bit (shhh!) and just seeing all the people. wow. that was harsh. there was this one guy and he was sitting on the corner of the street and asking for change. honestly, i had about $3.00 in change, but wasn't sure how good giving him money would do. so i gave him my yogurt. and then i saw him a few mins later eating it and he grabbed his stuff and hurried off. it felt good to give him something, but at the same time, i had a good clothes on, some stuff in my back pack, a hardy waterbottle, comfy shoes... and i gave this guy YOGURT? i mean, like, it's like this King walking around with gold falling out of his pockets, he's tripping on his thick, long, gorgeous robe, jewels and glittering on every finger and on his crown, and he passes a commoner a handkerchief. nice, thanks dude, i'll be sure to wipe my face extra gently with this baby. i wanna do so much more! and like, my WHOOOOLLLEEE life i've wanted to get out of Canada and into Africa, Asia, South and Central America, etc, to do the Lord's work. and maybe that's where He'll take me. but so much of my heart is right here too. right where the Natives are oppressed and the druggies are shooting up right next door. i mean, we KNOW the language of our nation and the culture and the people. we may not be immersed in the everyday struggles of the "real world", but it seems to make so much more sense to like, stay here and defend the cause of the poor and the needy, speaking up for those who can't speak for themselves.

man, on another note, do you ever get it where it's like everything inside of you is running in different directions at once and you feel like if you open a window you'll lose an arm or something? holy moly rolly polly, the Lord's totally just been showing me recently what it means to have an "undivided heart". like, my heart and passions are focussed, yet soooo divided right now! i have so many idols and high places and blah. grrr! go away! it was cool cuz after I was at Robyn's (lol, SHARI'S) house tonight I went up to the barn and was thinking about some crap and I parked so that I had to run across my ring (like 200 feet). on the way back from the barn to the car i somehow got a prickle in my shoe but still tried to ignore it and run anyway. God was totally like "it's hard to run your best when you've got something lodged in your way, hey?" and i was just sorta stubborn and like "yah, but whatever, i don't really notice it", and He was like "suit yourself, but that thing will get infected if you don't take it out, and you'll really start to lag in the race. get rid of those thorns." kwap. i hate thorns... i hate that sometimes they don't go away. II Corinthains 12. i feel for ya, Paul. Hmm, what a faithful God He is though! We've been praying for good weather for the Esperanza car wash and it looks like Jesus is gonna do juuuuuust that! Blessed at the pure in heart... for they will SEE THE LORD! Father, grant me a pure heart, let me not lift up my soul to another. be blessed!!!
PS. one little boy once wrote to Mother Theresa, completely enthralled by her selfless works and devotion to helping others. He asked how he could change his world and do those same things as her, serving those who couldn't help themselves. He asked where he should go to make the most impact. She wrote back with a simple reply. it said: "Find your own Calcutta." Calcutta... Vancouver... Maple Ridge... Pitt Meadows... could even be chapels at Haney or Fuel. where ever it is, the Psalms say that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted, the downcast, and the weary. let us find that Calcutta and faithfully flood it with prayer and miracles and commitment. i feel that i've been way too slack on my faithfulness recently to some things i have responsibility in. let us make the most of TODAY by surrounding it with so much prayer and finding courage from the Almighty to do those things we cannot do on our own but He pleads us to do. yes Lord! stop thinking my friends... get on the move!
PPS. that last PS was really long. :)
janners

hey guys! I've been thinking recently, and all of the sudden the idea of Lent came to mind. LENT! I was like "fruit, what's lent?" So I asked Mrs. Campbell and looked it up on the internet and here's what i found!
it's pretty much 40 days (not including sundays) of mouring and sacrifice before easter. in some churches it's 40 days of fasting certain foods. it starts on Ash Wednesday and ends the Saturday before Easter. It's supposed to be a time of confession and recomittment. I've never done Lent before, but I think that it could be totally profound and a deeply intimate experience with Jesus. And I know that i'll have to constantly be checking myself... making sure i'm not just going on a power trip--like just proving to myself and others that i can go without something for 6 weeks. and to use my desire for that certain something as an "alarm clock" to remind me to go and pray RIGHT then, or something like that. hm... something to think about for sure. For anyone who's interested it starts Wednesday, Feb. 25th and goes until Saturday, April 10th. And you can fast anything: PlayStation, Slurpees, meat... something that you find it hard to "live without" from day to day. but i also think it's a seriously personal thing. but i've got over a week to pray about it, so we'll see how it goes! If anyone else is interested and wants to do some sorta accountability thing, here i am :) ciao!

Woe to those who fear not God! Whose ferocious love rests in another, whose prideful hand shoves down the opressed...woe to those who have taken idols! Whose worship bounces off bronze bellies and praises flutter to the earth... woe to those all void of passion! Whose hearts don't leap nor weep. Emotionless, devotionless, atrociousness. Woe am I, for i've seen the Lord! My unholy face drawn into His...my reeking soul has beheld pure glory. Oh, that He may bless me indeed! Cover me in blood that I may be clean.

The praise of my tongue is the least You are due! To walk hand in hand with Your love... My whole being cries out for a spirit of worship to reign. These iron shackles trip me up, pull me down. I've tried to run, but i'm crawling on the ground. Yesterday they caught me in Tomorrow's empty promises. A silver key You hold in your hand...

Can we rise above the squalour when the prince has the chains done up tight? We reformed to his ways, dead in life. Stretching out hands up, we slip. Muddy feet, faces, arms and clothes. How can we be relieved, transformed unto the Almighty? Weak and arrogant in the prince of lies! We serve the one we detest. Dances with the devil! Too weak to lead, too tired to let go, he drags us through the motions. We let him spin us, dip us, twirl us into the confusion of our sin. Oh, let the King take me over! Take my hand, so bony, grubby.. His so firm, yet soft. Let us dance to His glory, in His life, though His death and resurrection, above all fear, beyond all hate. hate of you. of me. of nothing and everything. Let me dance, sweet Jesus, with YOU!

Happy Valentine's Day, guys! Yah know, I love Valentine's day :) I mean, red, white, and pink go really well together. And the ribbon-wrapped flowers and the little hearts everywhere. And the seasonal V-day candy and chocolate. and how the writing on cards and in shopping malls and on wrappers is all loopy calligraphy. Man, do men hate this time of year? Because it sure makes me feel girly! But I'm pretty materialistic on Feb. 14th because I'm unaware of the story behind the holiday, if there is one. Me and Jesus are going on a Valentine's date today. well, we sorta started it and then I got distracted (i swear I have ADHD.. j/k) but we'll try that again in a few minutes :) But yah guys, like, fall in love with Jesus again on this day. It's kinda wierd because so much of V-day seems like fluff and puppy love and cutesy smoochy lovey dovey gah gah emotions, which is NOT what i want my relationship with Jesus to be. like, it should be so much more... oh i dunno, grounded :) not that it's wrong to be giddy. pickles, be giddy and giggly in your love for Christ! but let's let this day be a reminder of how it's so soooooo much more than nuts and fluff... yah. :)
head over heels,
Janelle
XO XO XO (lol, sorry, couldn't resist!)

hey guys! This is gonna be short. I heard an awesome joke today. here goes:
How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
A buck an ear! (a buckaneer)
That, my friends, is probably one of the funniest things i've heard all day :) feel free to spread it around
~J Ro

Whoa-ho, it's been a looooong time since i've last blogged! so sorry about that! I've thinking about knowing the Lord. I mean like REALLY knowing him. really really. There's this verse, Jeremiah 22:16. it goes: "'He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know Me?' declares the Lord."
Can someone know the Lord and never have come in contact with His Son? Is it possible for people who don't proclaim that Jesus is the Messiah, yet love everyone and serve wholeheartedly to enter the Kingdom of Heaven? 1 Corinthians 13 pretty much says that Love is what endures forever. But then of course it's Romans that states that we must confess with our mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in our hearts that God raised him from the dead and we will be saved. but you can do that without knowing Christ, no?
I could read every single biography and autobiography, newsclipping, magazine article, and website on Vincent Van Gogh and know everything about his life: when he was born, who his girlfriend was, all his interesting habits, but not really KNOW him. i'd know all about him, no doubt, but he personally would still be a mystery.
I could examine every piece of Van Gogh's artwork, studying each line and analyzing every curve, until I was able to recognize his paintings from across the room and pull apart the meaning underneath each one. I'd know his masterpieces and his style, but the artist would still be unknown to me.
I could attend seminars, listen to speakers, join a Van Gogh fan club, and put aside certain times where i'd simply meditate on understanding his condition. but i STILL wouldn't truly KNOW him!
i think real knowledge, true intimacy comes from experience. I can't know any of my friends unless i hang out with them and discover what makes them tick, their pet peeves, their favorite jokes, their deep thoughts, their dreams and hopes, their fears and their frustrations. in the same way, i don't feel as though I truly KNOW the Lord. I certainly know of him, what He's done and famous for, the way He acted in certain situations, but ... it still just feels like i'm doing a lifetime project on someone reputable. and that totally devalues our God. takes away from the relationship. hmm...
I was at the Model United nations thing these past 4 days and it was really fun! imust say, one of my more memorable moments was this talk Lindsay and I had for over an hour late at night in bed. i dunno, it just totally got me thinking about true Christianity and what it means. We watched some dancers from teh Maxwell School of Ba'Hai for a couple hours earlier that day as part of the opening ceremonies for the MUN, and they were amazing! totally cool! but just the whole theology is sooo interesting. and i was talking to these students that go there and he let us see his school binder and ... man, i dunno. the whole weekend was just soaked in pluralism and multiculturalism. sooo interesting and sooo thought-provoking.
sorry that this has been kind of vague... i'm doing quite well emotionally, but like spiritually, i'm just kinda floating. like so much is in my head and so many thoughts and questions, my pursuit of truth seems to have been hindered by my desire for comfortability... erm... i guess it's just easier sometimes to take my brain out and keep it in a jar, not having to think about anything save history, french and what i'll do with my free blocks. but yah... i don't know, through all of everything, the Lord is sooo good! so good... hmm... like no matter how many questions i have, there's always the transcending peace :) awesome! ciao for now,
Janners

hello! Yes, i am still alive. alive and well! I've forgotten about being a blogger though, probably due to exams and such. but life is so good.
man, i always have these epiphanys late at night! so (once again) please excuse that which may not be entirely coherent.
lol, as my links aren't working, i cant' comment on the blogs i read just now (Shannon's and Jess L's)... so i'll say it on here, girls!
Shay: i love love love your heart. and the whole sitting IN prayer, not merely throwing up requests is so beautiful, and exactly what i need to be doing as well. may there be so many blessings for you that come with that!
Jess: Yah, i hear yah when it comes to talking about boys and marriage and relationships. dude, it's hard. it's so easy to just sit and talk about boys. which, as you said, is healthy :) but where's the line? i honestly don't know. but these guys are our brothers, precious to us and to the body of Christ. it robs them of true value and honour when we see them only as "potentials" (not that you do this, just rambling :) ) but yah, once again, thanks for your wisdom and i love how you put the Bible right into your blogs! yay!
gosh, Bible this past week and a half has truely been a blessing. except i know i need to throw out an appology to all those in my bible class, especially those who were making presentations when i was being distracted. i've been blown away by people in CHRP recently! i LOVED everyone's project for 2 reason: 1) most of them were truly from the heart and so full of wisdom and truth and, 2) it gave me a chance to see so many of my friends in a vulnerable position and totally do an amazing job at what they did. so thanks all you in Bible! i love you guys!
it's crazy, there were so many topics discussed in Bible... Worship, ghosts, halloween, Gandhi, desensitization, the poor, astrology, love, music, beauty, fashion, ... the list goes on! And i have walked away from the presentations so full of questions and such a desire to seek truth. everyone did an amazing job of looking into the Word for God's answers, but sometimes things just aren't answered. and it totally got me to thinking about WHY i get frustrated sometimes when i don't know answers to things, especially "spiritual" things. like, sometimes I just want Jesus to be black and white, with an opinion on everything, with a "right" path for my life, with absolute truths. And i need to totally repent for that... that's me putting Christ in a box. something i HATE to have happen to me... and something that totally takes away from the mystery, holiness, and wisdom of Yahweh. brutal...
another thing God's shown me about my life is: ME. everything i do is about me. seriously, everything, from giving money to help others to worship to school to relationships. i sacrifice time, money, means, etc, for ME. not intentionally, but the things i do i do in hopes to make me feel better. make me more comfortable. Oh Jesus, throw a different card at me! force me out of my gluttonous, pleasure living life! and gah, see, that's for me too! i need a serious humility lesson. and thankfully, we've got the best Teacher. reminds me of Phil 2...
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself. Each of you should look not only to your own interest, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be that of Christ Jesus: Who, in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant..." (and on... it's so good, read it! :) )
wow... yes Lord. and so, as mentioned in that passage, i know that I AM important and i am the temple of the living, mighty God, and so how i care for my self and think of myself is crucial, but at the same time, there's that whole "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me" verse as well. DENY myself. what is that really? whatever it is, i know i want to do it. every single day! every moment. i GOTTA walk the talk. man, totally! where is the love? mine is very teeny tiny and pretty conditional. and i think so much of being a follower of Christ is suffering for him, but i'm waaaaaay to comfy cozy to experience any of that. sweet pickles, i need Him bad!
"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who, WHO can be against us?" (Romans 8:31).
Janellio-yo-ho-wiggedy-whack-smack-pitter-pat-gotta-go

Hey all! Here are some poems that i've written recently... :)

Revealed Identity
Will you dance with me?
Tap out this fearful melody
Across the floor of all my dreams
Can you dance with me?

Will you walk with me?
Hand in hand beside the sea
Painting out sweet nature’s themes
Can you walk with me?

Will you laugh with me?
Dispel the darkest insanity
Chuckle at mischievous schemes
Can you laugh with me?

Will you sing with me?
Whistle soft the harmony
Musical scales, crescendoed moonbeams
Can you sing with me?

And will you speak to me?
Whisper dear truths of eternity
Endless phrase and sentence streams
Please, come speak, to me

Freedom’s Songbird

I carry a finch in my pocket
A fragile little thing
She’s not much bigger than a mite
Yet everything makes her sing

Sometimes she chirps so loud
And beats her feisty wings
I think she wants out of my pocket
Her pecking is starting to sting

Up, aloof, beyond the sun
She soars so high and perches proud
Inspired, accepted, life is good
The faintest dreams are sung aloud

Far beneath the airborne finch
Desperate cries are heard
She circles slowly, listen now
She hears the cry, but what’s the word?

Trapped, imprisoned are the sparrows
Legs in nets and wings near broken
Bloody beaks sing not of joy
Only sheer pain is spoken

My finch, she pauses for a moment
Up here the sky is so blue
How could she leave it for that mess?
But what else can she do?

She touches down, alert and ready
Wasteland as far as she can see
Down here things sure aren’t pretty
But it’s where she needs to be


A Girl’s Best Friend

Cut an diamond
From a rock
How sheer and crisp
It rests
Each edge perfected
Vastly stunning
Is it brilliance
Majestically asserted, see
It shimmers upon
Velvet bed
But drop that diamond
In the ocean
Let it become dimmed
Pounding waves of
Crushing force
Smooth every corner
Down
Pounded against
Rock and shore
This little jewel
Groans
Sand in its cracks
Oily seaweed
Steals its gleam
Berated and numbed of
Excellence
For when you toss
Gems to the sea
Their preciousness
Is lost
And any opal
Pearl
Or ruby
Looks like
Any other rock

Nature’s Symphony

Take me up to the mountain
To the floods of flowing fountains

Let it rain

Under the fir find shelter
Leaves run helter skelter

Let it snow

Trim the peaks with smothered silence
Attack the valley with ashen vengeance

Let it sun

Victorious, rise up in conquest
Pursued, tumble into the west

Let it storm

Flatted ferns with exhalation
Forked shocks and thundering perspiration

Let it hail

Sleeted sheets not rain nor snow
Frozen orbs, look out below!

Be still

To hold the heavens of passionate weather
To quiet the bird of quivering feather
I do not hold within my grasp
The keys to such forbidden task

What would happen if all of a sudden, I started typing in a different language. I mean, THINK ABOUT IT. And what if i seriously had no idea I was typing in a foreign language. that would be hilarious! And then I'd just be sitting fedadf que gloik vreti pobbu io hagen daz tres isine guilot dunca aluh guten vas gratzi notre por cabayano! haben cette facon el chico?
Isn't it crazy how sometimes God chooses the most random things to teach us lessons? I mean, I'm reading a book right now called The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, and it's such a girl book and I think it's so funny, but there's this little kid in it (ok, she's like 12) and she's really sick and someone asks her what she's afraid of. And her answer totally struck home with what I'M afraid of! It was crazy, and she just worded it so well. And for a 12 year old she was pretty insightful (ok, ok, it's a book, but still :). She said she was afraid of TIME. Afraid that she wouldn't have enough time to do all that she wanted. or that she wouldn't use the time she'd been given to do what really counts in this world.
Holy hot bananas. That's ME!
When I think of this right now, I just get this picture of Christmas time all again. I had asked a few weeks ago that the Lord would totally reveal His gift to me this Christmas. So when I see Christmas right now, this time it's just me and Jesus in the room with the warm fire and comfy couches... and he hands me this gift and I totally tear off the wrapper and look down at a clock. Pretty much just an ordinary, non digital clock, which ticks softly, but confidentally loud enough. I don't say anything because I'm a little confused. I guess I was expecting a box of wisdom, or a gift bag full of joy, or a stocking of faith, or a huge wrapped tweezer to help me remove my thorn... but a... clock?
So i'm looking at it, nodding slightly, thinking "maybe it's got a psycho annoying alarm to make sure I wake up early enough to do devos..." Jesus can see me analyzing the meaning behind the clock and he laughs and takes it from my hands.
"It's TIME, Janelle. It's seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks..."
"Ohh... wow..." I feel pretty stupid
"And I haven't given Time to you to make you feel guilty or stressed. it's not here to nag you to pray or to read your Bible or even to go and minister to others. But I hope you do those things anyway. This clock is to remind you of how short life is... many things you'll only have one opportunity to do. And in giving you this clock, this time, i'm really giving you the chance to have a full, abundant life. so go and live it!"
pickles, what a rush! After seeing this it's like why the fruit am i still at a computer??? Where are the homeless? Where are the hurting? the broken! the lost! or even, where's my bible!? And my guitar... I should call people over to pray! But no joke, like time IS ticking away and we need to take hold (whoa, deja vu of Darren Jones conference :) ) of livin' life full out and dispel all apathy and complacency and laziness. Proverbs talks SO much of people who are procrastinators and lazy and do-nothing-ers... and it's not cool stuff. I need to get moving! Who knows when that clock will pause, shudder, and die out? Who knows how long you or I will be here for? no one but Jesus! But whether I'm here for another 7 seconds or another 700 years, may every single second represent an undivided focus... complete devotion to Jesus and His people. Wow. that's huge. yes Lord! May His wisdom fill you with awe and may we all fall ,once again, in love with Jesus Christ. amen :)

Wow, i'm making coffee cake right now (did you know that there's actually NO coffee in coffee cake! that, my friends, is deception! :) ) and it's taking a LONG time to cook. so that's why you guys get 2 blogs in one night! Another thing i was going to mention was that i'm so full of questions... like i read something and just TONS of questions come to me! they used to totally confuse me and i'd get frustrated, but now they're more just really spicy challenges... and it's cool! but i was finding that i was so busy that i would just ask all these questions and journal them and then not go and actually find the answers. so to solve my problem... i now read the BIble with a commentary beside me! (most of the time!) seriously, it's SO interesting! Like, you'll be reading something and you'll be like "sorceror"... what does that word actually mean? and then you'll read the little section in the commentary and it'll tell you that that word comes from the word "Pharmakia" which means "the illigitemit distribution of drugs", so a sorceror was, in a sense, a drug dealer. and for me, the Word has just totally come alive with new meanings and such! it's so neat! but not that we should be relying on a commentary for answers all the time. savvy? like, the Bible is the only inspired Book, but sometimes it's totally helpful and you'll read something and it'll be even more meaningful because you truly understand it. :) so yah, that's my 2 cents. i think my cake is done now! hopefully? we'll see!
J Ro

Yo! I haven't too much to say, and as it's after 1:00 am i'm sure most of this isn't comprehendable, let along legible :) but i'll try my best!
so basically, i was sitting here just now and was thinking to myself "What has God taught me recently? Where's he pointing things out to me in my life?" and i think more and more He's revealing to me who i am. and who He wants me to be. and how those are similar and how those may have differences. one big thing as i learn who i am, i notice certain personality traits that i don't like. and they're not neccesary BAD traits, but i'll look at them and be like "hmm... i wish i was more outgoing..." or "Gee, i wish i could make everyone laugh"... and "boy, it sure would be nice to laugh all the time" and i become almost disappointed that i'm not those things. and i dunno, like i know that the Lord has crafted me with precision and detail, so i'm thinking that it's almost like shoving the Lord's creation back into His face because it didn't turn out how i'd like it to be. but then again i don't know. i don't think it's wrong to strive to be more boisterous and humourous, etc.
another thing is I think He's let me spend these past couple months dreaming about humongous things, things that there's no way i could accomplish on my own, but are so beautiful at the same time because HE can do them... but now it's like He's saying i've spent enough time at the easel sketching and drawing and dreaming and planning and now
IT'S TIME
i totally feel Him nudging me out the door, saying "look, there it is! The whole world I've given you to use... now let's go and ACCOMPLISH those desires! stop dreamin' and start livin'!"
and it's cool. now i need to wake up every morning and just really remember the shortness of life is... i think i'm gonna dry a flower and put it on my dresser to remind me of how quickly the flowers and beauty and life can wither away and to spur me forward to action and not complacency. yes Lord! i love you guys :)
Jan-L

Lol, ok, have you guys ever been to quizilla.com? it's hilarious! they have tons of those totally lame but curiously intriuging quizzes you can take... i took a LOTRs one and here's the scoop :P

Congratulations! You're Aragorn!


Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
hahaha... that's no fair! just because i said i liked mud wrestling. it's ironic though because the first time i took it i said i enjoyed candle light dinners and jaccuzis and i was Legolas who was self absorbed and obsessed with my looks and then i went back and saw mud wrestling (didn't notice it at first) and changed it and all of a sudden i'm a complete slob! hahaha... good times.

woof... where do i start? i guess Merry Christmas? hahaha, but seriously, i hope it rocked for one and all out there. Christmas for me was... good. no, that's a lie. i mean, nothing horribly drastic went wrong... i got the gifts i hoped for, the food was excellent, the hanging out was sweet (err, "spicy" is the new "sweet", eh Kristeen? :) ), and it's happening all again in 2 days when my rellies from the interior come down! hurrah! erm.... i'm sorry, i'm not being sarcastic, really i'm not. i honestly DID enjoy Christmas and i seriously DO love seeing my family and doing the whole kit 'n kaboodle this time a year, but i'm so empty. gosh, i'm empty. more than that, i'm rebellious. and bitter. crap, if there's anything i hate it's when i'm bitter. my thorn has been jammed in me deep, and i guess it's hard not to notice. it's like there's such a battle that wages war in me. Jesus has one arm and Satan has the other and they argue over who gets me. and the frustrating thing is, i'm really not resisting the devil that much. because what he has to offer sometimes seems so worthwhile, so beautiful. but yuck, what an awful, disgusting thing it really is.
hmmm... i feel as though I have a lot more to say, like about daily giving 100%, making a conscious decision to live for Yeshua, and to really honestly DO the things He's placed on my heart to do... but i think i'm gonna take a shower, read le Bible, and be back. hopefully :) talk to you guys soon!
Janelle
"seek the Lord while He may be found..."

help! i didn't change anything, but i no longer have comment thingers... and no more links. at least, i don't see them anywhere on my computer. i tried changing the template cuz i thought that might be it. but it's not. hmm... God let people make computers so that my patience could be tested and made strong! lol. love you muchly.

Whoa, two blogs in one day! that's simply nuts. but i wrote a poem. and it doesn't really accurately describe how i'm feeling like RIGHT now, but definately at times. so here it is! it's called Model Me.

Model Me

Why are you idols
So beautiful to me?
Gods of destruction
Scrutinous, seductive
You images without colour or soul
Why beckon the innocent into your arms?
The shapeless judgements, over shapen
You've touched the glass
Reflected your standards
To the dismay of your worshippers
With captivity you coyly skirt
About the seams
To make my worst enemy
That of myself
Hollow voices praise you (cranberried lips)
Blind, empty seekers (long lashed eyes)
I hate you
I love you
I am you
But don't you place
Dimples in my smiles
Don't dance your figures
Over our own
Sticks and stones
You sticks weighed in stones
You devour those who won't consume
Bars of guilt
Formed yet deformed
Hands on no hips
We crowned you our queen
And faithful are we
To the shadows you cast
In my mind's looking glass
Could we dethrone you?
Cut your life short
But I fear of the exile
Betrayal has promised
And so now we stay
Merely bones and some skin
And align in the army
Of crumbling manequins.

Greetings all! Hmm, interesting day. We had an awesome somosas talk in Bible about who we were versus who we've become and will grow into be, and about relationships and premarital sex, and dating in high school, etc. There were some really insightful things said. It was good.

something that just came to mind is this: i haven't FELT God in a while. idon't know when i last "felt" Him. but i'm doing soooo good. so good. like, thinking about who i was before this year was hard for me to do in Bible because so much of it is so personal and emotional and still tries to grab me sometimes. But before I was so full of fear and envy and self-hate and guilt. and like, i've been praying for so long that i'd be free from all those things that lock me in those cages, and i haven't seen any drastic changes, but the minor ones are worth praising Jesus for! but yah, and i've been sitting here going "ok... i haven't really specifically HEARD from the Lord in a while or felt His presence strongly..." but i still get the sense that we're just jogging along together, enjoying the view. and that's cool! but at the same time i'm not really sure if life is just good and i'm not compeltely pressing into Christ, or if life is good because we're just enjoying each other. does that make any sense? i still have such such such a deep passion to know the Lord so much more and just to go deeper and to have big dreams and visions and to have experiences with Him and share Him with other people. It just sort of seems like some of the hype is gone. which is good? or maybe not? lol, i'm no spiritual guru. but it's more like, do you ever go to worship or youth events and just get SOOO "high" on Christ and things are so awesome, but you go home and you're physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted? i sure have before! and it doesn't really seem right. like, i'm all for meeting Jesus through song and dance and utter surrenderings and all, but it's like we work sooo hard to get soooo enthused in the church during that revival time but then go home and start getting doubts and frustrations because that same hype isn't there. i'm certainly not saying i've reached a stage in my God journey where i'm beyond the fickleness of feelings and the abstract emotions, but now things are just SO PEACEFUL. SOOO PEACEFUL. and it's just so grood! great and good! i just want to take in so much of the Spirit and bless people soo much. Like, get lost in helping others. that's where we'll find Jesus! i've certainly spent enough time judging others or being afraid of "sinners" and separating myself from those who are "bad influences on me". it's just so bull. i mean, i won't put myself in a situation where i have a strong weakness and will very easily fall into sin, but the heart of Christ seems to be at the heart of people. all people. every person. those lesbians in the mall. that ungrateful druggie by the 7-11. the ruthless money lenders. the unrepentant and the repentant. those made righteous by His blood adn those who slander His name. hey, we all are the same. sinners. sometimes i look at "unfortunate" people and try to put a face to them...like the fact that they may be a prostitute because they were nurtured poorly and were kicked out of the house, or they're forced to live on the streets because they lost all their money and no one would take them in. some of them for sure are, in the world's sense, dealt a poor hand. but we are nothing better. Jesus... you are closer to the hell-bound adulterer than you are to me because I am too proud to associate with him. please, i'm so sorry... help me never... never never ever to judge again. show me where you are, where your heart is, and let me live in that space. Let this Christmas be one of utter humility and generosity and love... and then let Christmas last all year round.

Hey guys! You know, i think i need a crash course in blogging 101 because I simply cannot figure out how to figure out this figure out how to this out figure what this figure how out! is that how you spell figure? I think i've overspelled it and now it looks funny.
something the Lord's been once again drilling into my head: If at first I don't succeed, pray pray pray pray pray pray pray pray again. but seriously, the power of prayer has totally been revealed to me recently! and just things that I thought were "little" too! I just spend an amazing night with my elementary school bestest friend and whereas we've changed and discovered new things, it was just like old times! it seems so cliche, but we sat around laughing at the past, trying to courageously discuss the future, and renew promises to stay in touch. but she left and I went up to the barn (it's pretty much a tabernacle for me... so God-filled) and prayed for her and for me to remain close to her and all. Like, my heart just cries out for her to come to know the Lord and I want to totally be a part of that. and so many other prayers answered as well... i've been thinking alot recently about "living for the moment" and how I can do that and what exactly that is. I think God's showing me that so much of it is just lots of prayer and then jumping at every single single every every every single opportunity! Nehemiah... wow, good book. read it. but the first chapter has Nehemiah as a servant in a pagan king's household. nehemiah's heart is broken because he's realized the state Jerusalem is in. the king notices his distress and calls Nee (let's call him Nee :) ) to him to talk about what the problem is. Nee was put on the spot but recognized that the king could help him get back to Jerusalem to fix up that wall. So when he's summoned, Nee quickly sends up a prayer and then jumps at the chance to put his faith in action. and what happened? well, you should read it for yourself, but it's pretty amazing stuff!
hmm, another thing that's been forefront in my soul has been the desire for pure, honest community. like, i have friends, but none of them KNOW me. like really really KNOW me. and part of that is my fears and distrust, but i don't think i really KNOW anyone either! maybe certain aspects of others and maybe some deep things, but it's become so comfortable and easier to stay surface with everyone. it's all so fake. it's all meaningless! Mr. Kennedy talked to us on Thursday in Bible about community as well, and if you've ever been though one of his more emotional lectures, you'll understand what i mean when i say i was so passionate and frustrated, encouraged and discouraged, and ready to break into tears at any moment. my thoughts are, why do we even live with other people if we're gonna push them away our whole ives? why is it that our relationship with the Lord has become so personal that it's completely impersonal? ouch. that's so big. there's definately an intimacy with Jesus that is sacred in a one-on-one relationship kind of way, but where is the brokenness and the openness and the support and the accountability? I see it no where around me. and there's an emptiness. then we went to FIA that night (there's like 10 of us from Bible class that go to FIA) and had an amazing time in our small groups. I didn't hear from the grade 11s, but the girls and guys in grade 12 just had such a blessed evening, and it was only a TASTE of true community. craziness. there's something inside of me that longs to be explored and discovered. i LOVE it when people ask me questions. why? because they take away with them something that is part of me. It's like unwrapping a gift. Merry Christmas everyone! here i am... let's get to KNOW each other.

"These people come near to Me with their mouth and honour Me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship is made up only of rules taught by men. THerefore once more I will astound these people with wonder upon wonder; the wisdom of the wise will perish, the intelligence of the intelligent with vanish."


May the grace of our Lord be with you now and always!